|Reviews for Untangling the Web|
| The Saturday Storytellers chapter 1 . 4/13/2011
It looks like you make clear the premise of this story right from the beginning. And it's a good subject: dreams. Such potential for strange happenings and clever explainations. I'm looking forward to it.
"Imagine a world where the blissful feeling that comes whenever you lay down and close your eyes at night never comes. Now imagine they slowly sink to reality." I'm not sure I understand what 'slowly sink to reality' means in this context.
Oh! So this is the Dreams Come True re-write! I just keep on coming back to this story, somehow! Right, well, if you want me to check out this latest version then here goes...
It's always a risky start opening a story with dialogue, but I think you get away with it, here. You put a lot of description in immediately afterwards and it's atmospheric.
"...as the clock ticked by slowly." I think this should be 'ticked slowly by'.
I would say, though, that your description of the actual surroundings ends at the mention of the clock. Perhaps a bit more would suit - is the light grey and watery, perhaps? Is there chalk-dust in the air? Is it too cold, too hot? What does the graffiti on the desk say? That kind of thing.
Then, as you've got several sentences of stuff about the teacher and your character, that can go in a new paragraph.
All of this is just a suggestion, of course - I can be quite a demanding reader and am happy to put my opinion forward, but this is only my opinion, so please excuse me if you think I'm being very exact, here.
"I swore teachers enjoyed listening to themselves talk." 'Swore' here is too simply past-tense for me. I know many stories - including this one - are presented in past tense, but given the context, I think it needs to be altered slightly. 'Could have sworn', perhaps?
The sensory talk about how chalk on a board sounds is brilliant - I liked it. Or didn't, because it's that awful screeching sound, but you know what I mean. Excellent choice of detail, here.
"...as if it would help to withstand the agonizing wait..." as if it would help me?
"Was it just me or did the last five minutes of the last class of the day seem like the longest wait in the world?" Nice connection to human experience, here. We've certainly all been there.
"Lucky for me I was practically a portable T. V. because..." Ah, hello! We have lift-off! Now, this is another change in direction for your story, and a very significant one. So far we've seen mundan stuff: a bored teenager trying to survive the final five minutes of a school day. Here, we're moving onto something really quite odd, and I'd say it certainly deserves its own paragraph!
I mean, this isn't just dreaming or even day-dreaming. This is clear and vivid visions. So at this point (bearing in mind I have only a hazy memory of the details of this story), I'm thinking: neurological problem. with a possibility that your character has a very creative side.
"Not so much daydreaming as it was a never-ending fantasy." I've got a bit of a catch going on, here: you initially said that whenever your character closes her eyes, these visions happen. This suggests strongly to me that they happen whether she wants them to or not. And yet, the word fantasy, to me, has implications of the fantasist driving her fantasy. So it sounds autonomous rather than automatic, if you see where I'm coming from. But then, that's only what the word means to me and is not strictly the objective truth, so it's my £0.02 and nothing more.
"I was afraid I would end up in a psychiatric ward..." Aha - realism. Glad to see it.
"It's not like it's harming anyone in any way, so why bother complaining?" Well, whatever the character thinks goes, but if it were me I think I'd be worrying if it might not be a brain tumour.
"Her bleak eyes, dark and tainted with specks of yellow..." Yellow in the eyes instantly says 'devil' or 'demon' to me! So you've got my attention - if I saw demons when I shut my eyes I think perhaps I'd keep my gob shut after all.
""Miss Sanders!" My eyes fluttered open and I switched back into reality..." I didn't realise until after this bit (that's three times the name 'Sanders' is used) that your character is Sanders. When the woman/demon says it, I think Sanders is male, and someone she knows who your character probably doesn't. When someone says, 'Miss Sanders', I think that's the name of the teacher, or that your character has just randomly said it because she *does* recognise the name after all.
My humble suggestion? As it appears to be your character's name, to make her identify with this when the dream-woman says it.
"I raised an eyebrow at her but luckily the bell rung..." It would be 'rang', in this case.
Quick and nifty exit by Sanders, there!
"I was swept up into the deluge of students persistently trying to empty the hallways and get as far away from school as possible." 'Persistently' doesn't quite work for me, here. It creates more of an impression that each individual student is trying repeatedly to get out - almost as if they keep bumping into the walls or something. I am getting a sense of the general mass exodus, though.
"With my head ducked down so that a veil of dark brown bangs fell in front of my hazel eyes..." This feels like a self-description for its own sake. If I may go on a bit of a rant here, I've never been quite sure why authors are so quick to describe eye colour - it seems like such a small detail to me. And in this case, your character's very keen just to get her head down and be on her way rather than self-appraise.
"That was typical me." I'm a little unsure exactly what you mean, here. Are you panning out of showing us you in school generally, or talking about what you were like in that class a moment ago, or your instinctive withdrawal from everyone in favour of putting your chin into your chest and shuffling along? My initial impression was the first choice - the 'was' feels like you're putting the previous events a fair distance into the past.
Ah, so here's your hyper friend! Quite sweet that you describe her blonde as 'dirty' - that's always been quite a grown-up look, I think. But here's it's on a very girlish school pupil. There's no problem with this, I actually quite like the unexpected characteristic.
Oh! So actually she's rather more womanly than I thought. My initial thought was that she was still the girl side of adolescent. But you say she trumps most people in the looks department, which has as much to do with body language and mannerism as the body one has.
I don't think I've read a story with an average-looking protagonist and a beautiful friend, so the potential friction here could be interesting. Especially if it came despite both girls' best efforts - jealousy can be an insidious thing. But I don't think that's the focus of this story, so I'm guessing that won't come up.
But I'm always ready to be surprised.
"Unfortunately though he's not that bright if you know what I mean, but isn't that always the case?" Ah, the lava lamp.
Hmm. You know, I think I can see a whole lot of resentment bubbling under the surface. Currently fairly deep, but that could all too easily change.
"I shut my locker door and stared around at the nearly empty hallways." Ahh, the solitude descends! Well, Cami said she didn't want to interact with the other students much. One way to avoid this is to leave after them rather than try to push through the crowd.
""Says who?" I asked, taken off guard." Really? Surely Cami would have been able to second-guess that Kath would want to gossip? I mean, I'm a Cami (at best) and can't see what else there is to say about the up n' coming date, but there you go.
"I leisurely walked down..." The word 'leisurely' doesn't quite fit in, here. It's an adjective when I think you're looking for an adverb.
The piano description feels a bit wordy, and yet doesn't quite impart the pristine clarity of the music, or the passion or skill of the musician. I think you're getting there but I feel the wording needs a touch more tweaking.
"Yet, here I am, being drawn to the soothing sound of its melody and probably trespassing as I furiously tried to get closer to its alluring sound." Furiously feels a bit too strong a word, here. I think 'fascinatedly' would be too unusual, clunky and long a word, but I think its meaning fits more - your choice what to use, of course, but furiously doesn't seem right to me.
Continued by PM...
| MissGreySunshine chapter 3 . 10/17/2010
I agree with you when you say that this is the best chapter so far. The first two, I understand, have to be some background and basic information on the characters, but, this is the most like a chapter of a book to me, because of the length and how the storyline progresses (would have never guessed the blue-eyed boy went to her school).
I like the way the dialogue is set up, because it isn't always quotation marks when someone speaks, which makes it more interesting to look at, let alone read.
Another aspect of this story I found to be intriguing is how the thoughts aren't as coherent and put together as I was expecting-it requires some thought on the part of the reader. And while that is more work, it also makes it more enjoyable, by not being the cookie-cutter FP story.
Overall, very well written, even if it wasn't 6 AM.
Keep going with this!
& keep writing!
PS: Sorry about the long wait... School and stuff...
| Yui Hina chapter 3 . 10/2/2010
wow, it's really good. much better that mine (obviously) Anyway, hope you'll update soon.
PS: Thanks for the review
| Katerzzz chapter 2 . 9/28/2010
Really tragic chapter, I found myself crying through the majority of it. Really well written. Intrigued to find out whether the hitting with the truck will involve any injuries.
Keep Writing :)
The Angel Waiting at Hell's Gate has been updated, if you'd be so kind as you review back, when you are ready :)
| HoodedStellaish chapter 3 . 9/28/2010
Hey there! You probably hate me right now for waiting a week before reviewing… But I am extremely sorry and here’s your super review!
I adored this chapter with the whole “oops, I’m sorry, did I ran into your sexy body?” part (I’m paraphrasing here). It was so adorably sweet! I think you need to hurry up and update because I’m hooked.
Onto the review!
::That was the one and only thing that could set them apart. And it did.:: With this, I think you could pull this off as one sentence. If you replaced the period with a comma it’d be fine, and it’d have the same impact as the period.
::I was merely three years old:: The “merely” was unnecessary.
::Those simple yet heartrending words that at such a young age I merely giggled at because I didn't realize what was going on.:: This was very awkward to read, try revising.
::I didn't know it was wrong to laugh, but yet I did.:: This sentence was good, but the “yet” did not belong.
::Define: okay?:: This one is very tricky. When you used the colon it came across like this, “The definition of Apricot: is a b c.” With this, get rid of the punctuation between “Define” and “okay” and it’d be fine.
::Half the people in the cafeteria I barely even knew but I ignored them nonetheless.:: This one was kinda hard to understand, and whether that was my own lack of sleep or whatever, I don’t know.
::Okay may I would erase that last one.:: This has a typo and I have a suggestion. “Okay, [maybe] I would[n’t say that last one]…”
And that was it. Awesome job! Can’t wait for the rest!
~Stella akak HoodedStellaish
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 1 . 9/18/2010
wow, powerful dreams :O sweetness and tragic. I felt so sorry for that little boy. Cami sounds like me when in school, but I don't know :P. Anyway good job with the first chapter. I look forward to more
| HoodedStellaish chapter 2 . 9/17/2010
Stella from the RH, and I just realized that I reviewed this story forever ago. Insanity? I think so. I don't know if I reviewed for a reply, so can you let me know? You can tell when I go into detail, or if I just babbled then I didn't reply. I'd appreciate that!
Okay, time for the notes on this chapter!
::They were silently begging me and asking why I didn't save them.:: Adverbs are the classic sign of "Telling" in the "Show, don't tell" thing writers are always going on about. Luckily, I have a solution for you. Cut out the adverbs completely, and ask two questions when an action is being portrayed. "Why" and "how." If you can answer those two questions then you will have the "Show."
::Any further and you would've landed out the window!:: I think "Fallen" is more appropriate in this sentence.
::It was a Saturday for god sake.:: Then why would her mother be going to work? Try Friday. It makes so much more sense.
::It was a coffee shop/lounge where people usually hung out or studied while drinking cheap yet exceptionally well made and tasty coffee.:: The description on this one is way too long. In fact, it’s insanely long. My first comment is, is it a coffee shop or a lounge? And the third description was just too much. Try, “…well made, tasty coffee,” because it doesn’t require too much thought behind reading it.
::I looked at his face, taking in his soft honey blonde hair.:: You said his hair was shaggy raven black hair when she first saw him.
Alrighty, so those were all my notes. Please don’t kill me for being mean, etc. it’s just the way I work. I apologize. Please PM me and let me know if I did babble or I replied because as much as I’m sure you’d appreciate the freebie, I’m not in the mood to give one (I’m sorry). I’d appreciate it! Great story! Loved it!
| Vroooommmmmm chapter 3 . 9/8/2010
nice piece again...very well written...long but nice...the plot is really developing wud like to read more...nice pace and grammar...congo...u have depicted the characters very well...wud like to know more abt the newcomers though...
| Serendipitist Swan chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
You've got a writing style that easily hooks readers. I especially liked how you described the piano music. I played piano for two years until I too dropped it. They way you said how each seperate key combines to make music was beautiful and completely true. You're making me wish I kept up playing.
| Vroooommmmmm chapter 2 . 9/6/2010
wow..a story with a tinge of fantasized horror...wow...wat do you mean the building was never entered into...she took the detour in a vision?
and the truck...i was like dead ready to find out whether she will be hurt...
the chapter is not boring since it is a plot chapter..as usual nice pace..i wud give it a 7/10
it wud be good if u develop an aura of suspense...there already is but u cud embellish it more...
keep writing :)
| Vroooommmmmm chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
this is a story with a neat pace...i liked how you described the lecture...it really showed... i could get things pretty well...neat grammar and good vocab...nice sentence formations...some preposition mistakes here and there but i think i can ignore...just have a relook...
She's the only person that knew about my "dreams"
for an average reader, she's would seem like "she is"...i cud get it as she was...but an average reader wont...ur tone in every sentence is almost like as if u r telling something of the past...like yelled,chased...by that one would concur that it is "she was"...but it wud be better if you didn't cut down and said she was...then "that knew"...obviously she is not a thing..if it is a thing, the proper usage would be which..but I know it is not :P...so replace that by "who"...
these r just little mistakes..just have a relook as I told..
otherwise great piece of work...
keep writing :)
P.S: pls pay the review back via True Love True Sacrifice (Romance/Hurt/Angst/Comfort) and/or the Midwich Messiah(Fantasy) at ur leisure.
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 2 . 9/6/2010
Hey there. :)
I thought that this chapter was well written. I like the way that you describe things, and I can relate to the characters and sympathize with Kathryn especially. :)
To be honest, I don't know why you said that you weren't happy with this chapter. I thought that you did a great job with it. :) The only thing that I thought you could tweak a bit was the beginning paragraphs about her "vision." It was a bit repetive, and I thought that some of the wording sounded a bit funny. An example would be: "...with clear colored tears dripping down like a tiny waterfall and forming a pool of bitterness underneath them." I understand what you were trying to convey, but I felt that the description was too much. :P Otherwise, I liked the dream/vision sequence. :)
I thought that you balanced the seriousness/drama in this chapter well with Cami's enthusiam. xP I like her character. :D
I was really hoping that Kathryn would find the music store, but I wasn't expecting it to be closed. That definitely added a nice twist to the story. :)
Ooh! She finds him! Hooray. :D That's it. I'm definitely loving this story. :P I liked the ending, and the ominious line that she remembers from her vision as she blacks out. :D It piques my interest; what exactly does this whole vision mean? I'm gonna guess something supernatural? :D
Okay, I'm done rambling now. :P Good chapter, and I hope that you update this story soon! :D
~Avid, via the RH/Gossip. repaid review. 1/1. :D
| Mintiee chapter 1 . 9/5/2010
hey :) Review repay
First thing I notice about this is that you've opened with a risky beginning. It's bad enough to be bored yourself. It's even worse having to read about someone else do it. It's better to begin with a good hook, like a bit of action or a note of suspense or a funny quip, anything to catch the reader's attention and keep them interested. In fact, I think a lot of the beginning isn't really needed The only thing that strikes me as important was the daydream. There are plenty of more exciting ways to write that in, rather than your main being bored out of their mind in a classroom.
That aside, I loved the eeriness of the piano and your characterisation of Cami and Kathryn. Your narrators voice is very strong and you have a skill with words. I could picture everything happening very clearly and your vocab is great! The visions added great suspense and were shocking enough to make me want to read on to figure out what's happening. All in all, I think this was a really good opening, maybe with the exception of the first few paras. I think you have a really promising story here and I like what you have so far. Great work! :)
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 3 . 9/3/2010
Hey there, long time no review! I thought the depression that your protagonist was going through was written really well, and I felt so bad for Kathryn, who's only trying to help. At first, I thought that Jace and the other guy were somehow related, or even the same, but now that the other guy is 'real', I don't know what to expect!
The note at the end was mucho creepy!
Spotted one error:
Okay may [maybe] I would erase that last one.
~ Sakina, from the Roadhouse x
| rv chapter 3 . 9/1/2010
um WOW..."i know who killed your father" this chapter was amazing! you're right so many important things happened...keep it up..and write till the end :D