|Reviews for Untangling the Web|
| rv-the person chapter 2 . 9/1/2010
lol i love how u started off with that dream, and wow u had great visual effects...i could imagine the whole scene perfectly. I dont know how many times i hav said this but u are truely an amazing writer...at this age. you're like 10 years ahead of yourself LOL.
But seriously, i was pretty surprised how the building wasnt there and i like the part when a truck was about to hit her and when she saw the blue eyes behind kath. :D
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 8/28/2010
I have to admit, I'm starting to not like Cami. Kathryn has been really supportive of her throughout, but she just ignores her as soon as a guy arrives? I dunno, it doesn't seem like a good friend thing to do. And I think you could have built up a more negative side to her mother; right now, I don't think Cami is justified. To me, as her mother is an only parent, she would need to work hard.
'work had been her main priority, to get her mind off of the bitter loneliness. [Which seems fair enough - everyone has their own ways of dealing with grief and Cami doesn't seem to take that into account]'
Unless that's what you wanted to go for, I'd say maybe try making Cami a bit more empathetic.
'Was it possible that I was their next victim?' - That seems like quite a big conclusion to jump to, and a bit random. I think there needs to be a bit more thought behind it.
Other than that, the plot is building up nicely and compared to the old version, you've got a lot of lovely detail here that makes it easy to picture it and get drawn into it.
| Guest chapter 3 . 8/23/2010
Here from the Roadhouse
I agree with your author's note- to me this is the best chapter because of the following: there is more detail/descriptions, the transition from one scene to another is a lot smoother, the illustrations are more vivid, and each event unifies the chapter as a whole, so kudo points for you :D.
Ah, I think I've read this scene before (the waking up and the father thing. I was fortunate to read the first draft haha). I think you've definitely improved ten fold :D. I gobble up the details like candy-nom nom nom!
To be perfectly honest, I didn't like Cami in this chapter, and I'm not sure weather or not you intended that (making the main character a little less likable). She seemed really self-centered, especially the scene conversation with Jace, Cami, and Kathryn. If they were really close friends, wouldn't she be more interested in what Kathryn is going to say rather than Jace? Maybe she's being overly friendly because he saved her life, but still- friends would pick up on the seriousness of their pal's reaction and respond rather than pushing it aside. Then again, that's just me- I'm just making a suggestion lol.
And yeah, Kathryn is a good friend- she even supports her, and all Cami does is care for herself. I got annoyed at the part when she said "more about them, less about me." or something similar to that matter.
I thought it was funny that everyone she encountered is somehow conveniently related to her in some odd way. I thought it was too coincidental that the person who saved her and the person in her daydreams just happened to be her new classmates- how small is this town?
Oh, and the letter in the end seemed really mysterious. I'm not sure who wrote it, or how the person KNEW she was having these visions despite the fact that the only person she's ever told is Kathryn. Is it inherited? Is that why the father was killed? Oh yeah, about the father thing- I really liked it in the beginning, but I thought it was a little harsh for the character to say that the happiness was a lie, and that his smile was somewhat fake. I'm not sure if I like our main character as much as I thought. Maybe she's a little irritated and confused about everything- dunno lol. And as for the letter, did she believe it because her father was mentioned? Or did she believe it because unbelievable things are happening to her?
Overall, I liked the mystery of it all, I just found it a little difficult for me to take all the coincidences so seriously (like I said, it is just me lol).
Everything was fine, but my only concern, however, is the formatting of the dialogue. I saw a consistent pattern throughout the chapter. I will not spoon feed you the details, but I'll give a few examples: ("Hey." I said, mustering up a small smile.). After "Hey" should be a comma, not a period. That goes for the rest of the dialogue that you ended up having description after it.
Now, for the things you can tweak:
-No matter how much I tried though, that one weak little word kept on penetrating my thoughts.- I don't think "weak" is the correct word to describe it. Since it keeps coming back to haunt her, shouldn't it be a powerful word?
-The way he was beaming so brightly was a lie, a façade.- I don't think his smile was a lie, but I found it odd why she would think it was fake. The happiness is real, the "staying together forever" was the one that was a lie, not the happiness. (just ranting, I don't really know where I'm going with this but I just thought I'd point it out anyway lol). Also, I thought "so brightly" could be removed, the word beaming already expresses that image.
-Those simple yet heartrending words that at such a young age I merely giggled at because I didn't realize what was going on.-I thought this sentence was a little long. Try to break it up, there's nothing wrong with shorter sentences :D
-She flashed me a smile so wide that people might've mistaken her for the Cheshire Cat, despite the well known factor that she was human, and didn't disappear constantly - everything after "cat" could be taken off because it is unneeded.
That's all I caught. Overall, I thought you did a great job. I hope you enjoyed this review, and I can't wait to hear from you soon :D
| pollyspocket chapter 3 . 8/22/2010
So far I don't see anything wrong with your writing here. Your work reminds me of a Young Adult teenage girl novel mashed together with a Psychic novel. ) That's good. I hope that's what 'feel' you're aiming for.
I did want to say that the character Jace reminded me of Jace in The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare; blonde hair and everything, but that's okay. Actually, this is very much like a real novel I read a few days ago. It has that 'feel' and the style. Very good job.
The blue-eyed character is making me very, very nervous. I'm wondering why he's there, and since he's so mysterious, it's hard to focus on Jace right now, you know? But this story is still good and good enough to be published in my opinion.
| Narq chapter 3 . 8/19/2010
Oh~ she's in trouble!
anyways, I noticed one that really bugged me:
"I patiently waited for the hallways to clear before I made my way to my next class. My shoes clicked against the granite tiles as I hurried down the hallway, my footsteps echoing loudly as I went. I was still on my way to my classroom, when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. I spun around to face a guy with a lost expression written all over his face." now, how many "I"s are there in this paragraph?
Exactly. there are too many of them. the reader knows this is from first POV so you don't need to keep on reminding htem. the only time that you should have such a high frequency of "I"s is an action scene where you want the reader to be constantly knowing. THIS IS ME!
other than that, I think you did a great job and I'm really excited!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 3 . 8/19/2010
Finally, I'm back to repay the debt. :D Okay, so I can really say that this is your best chapter as of yet. As for the possible errors in writing, I'm sad to say I can't help out that much because I'm not even an intermediate in the subject. Anyway, it's good to see an in depth look into Cami's character. The part on her father's death was especially strong given the fact that when it happened, she didn't have the capability to react due to her age at that time. Also her conflicts with her family was also very realistic albeit I feel that you could have included a certain snippet of cause and effect at the very least in this area, but eh that's only me saying because of my own personal preference in character exploration. -.-
Anyway, I can see that you did well in her own anti-social aspect without overplaying the sympathy card, which in a very real sense portrayed her own inner strength. But still I'm glad that she's got a good friend in the form of Kathryn. However, I'm wondering if you could have included the finer details of how their friendship developed instead of just a simple mention. As for Jace, well he seems pretty much enigmatic to me so far as in I've yet to get an idea on what kind of person he is. But then again, it would suck quite a lot of things got spoiled, so I'm not blaming you here. ;) In fact what you've done here is a good step because that will give the readers a strong interest in him as a character.
As for the final scene, it's good to see Cami interacting with with her mother. However, a stronger show of cause and effect could bring a further improvement to the whole relationship factor. And damn there's the weird letter as well. That was a good cliffie you left the readers here. Will be wondering what will happen next. :)
P.S: Just a clarification. Are there any more reviews that I'm owing you? If so, please let me know. I'd hate to play the defaulting game without any legit cause. -.-
| esthaelum chapter 3 . 8/19/2010
Hehe. I loved the awkward scene where Cami finds Jace and tell him that she the girl he saved! I can just imagine them looking awkwardly at each other and some long silence between them :3. I can see that Cami and Jace are quick to make friends with each other. Then again, he did save her life, I suppose. I just found it a bit quick... Probably, because I'm not a big fan of abrupt friendships, but considering how they met, I think it's fine.
I wonder who was that guy she bumped into... She seemed to pay an awful lot of attention to him since there was at least two whole paragraphs describing how he looked like. He must be an important character then. Well, I hope to see more of him in the future. He sounds interesting!
Anyway, this was a nice chapter! I enjoyed reading this :)
| this wild abyss chapter 3 . 8/18/2010
This was a good chapter, I thought. The plot moved on a little too quickly for me, and there were a few grammar/clarity issues that distracted me, but for the most part it was pretty good. I think you balance the characters' personalities nicely.
| Kobra Kid chapter 3 . 8/18/2010
This was a great chapter. The plot moved forward a lot, which is awesome! :) The letter at the end sent chills down my spine, definitely the last sentence 'I know who killed your father'. He wrote it almost nonchalantly, like 'oh, one last thing.' That was great, so kudos for that! The dialogue was also very realistic!
I just have one suggestions. There were numerous grammatical errors, definitely with the dialogue. So take a quick look over that and you'll definitely spot them. :)
Besides that, excellent job!
-Can you payback via Ace Of Spades?
| dreamingotwilight chapter 3 . 8/18/2010
I once again love the idea for your plot! It's not very cliche. The main problem I have with this chapter is pacing. You jump from one thing to the next, but I think that would be easily solved with some editing.
Keep writing! Update soon!
| Katerzzz chapter 1 . 8/18/2010
Do I owe you a review? If I do, count this as one, and let me apologise for my lateness!
Brilliant opening chapter, really meaty and a good start. I am a flashback freak if you've ever looked at Jack's London, and I love flashbacks, so I am right at home here :P Really interesting plot line and the characters really jump out at you which I think a good story needs! Have to go now because laptop battery is dieing but look forward to reading the rest! Ta for now!
| Kobra Kid chapter 2 . 8/17/2010
The flow of the whole chapter was done very well. Nothing was abrupt or all of a sudden, if you know what I mean. x) The dream in the beginning was intense & very vivid, which was great!
I just have two things. 1. I love Cami, she's an awesome main character. But let her voice show through the narration so we can get a better hold of who she truly is. :) and 2. Mix up your sentence structures. Most of them are really long, so try a few dramatic, short ones. :)
Besides that, excellent job!
-Can you payback via Ace Of Spades? Thanks :)
| deefective chapter 2 . 8/14/2010
Very dramatic beginning here. It's a dream so it probably should be but I liked how everything flowed quite nicely together. It was intense and almost whimsical, even though it wasn't written to be so. I also liked how poetic it was. It was actually quite well written and lovely to read because it was so poetic and dramatic. Although, some of your descriptions were a bit too 'purple-prose-y' for me. I noticed it all had to do with the eyes, though. That can be a hard thing to write about, especially if you don't want to keep saying "eyes" all the time. But I find using words such as "orbs" and "circular crystals" (tears?) is overdoing it. The part was poetic enough without that and you could find other ways to say mention the eyes.
As for the rest of this, it was also well written. I like the voice of the main character, Cami, but I think you need to let her personality show more in the narration. I got a sense of what was happening around her but I didn't get a sense of her. Also, the ending there. Did she get hit by the truck? If so, no matter how "slow" the truck may have been going, it's still a truck. It would have hurt a lot more and she probably would have been thrown a bit. Trucks and cars weigh a lot more than we all think and they're still very powerful, no matter how slow they're going. But other than that, nicely done.
| DarkHawk14 chapter 2 . 8/13/2010
So I definitely want to know more about these two new boys, as well as what's up with the dreams. Meeting some of Cami's family would be nice too, and I think it'd help give her depth.
The part with the music shop being closed off was a bit predictable, but otherwise, I like where this is going. Keep it up, your writing is very easy to get into, and it keeps everything interesting, even in ordinary everyday scenes. :)
I like your characters, and the way they talk with each other seems really real and natural. Keep writing, I want to know what happens! :)
~DarkHawk14 from the Roadhouse
| DarkHawk14 chapter 1 . 8/13/2010
First of all, I have to say that I loved your description of Kathyrn. I could picture her in my mind, and all her exuberance. :) Great job.
I already want to find out what Cami's dreams are caused by, and who it is that she dreams about.
Sorry, I'd leave a longer review, but I'm too busy clicking the 'next chapter' button. Keep up the good work!