Reviews for Untangling the Web
Scriber08 chapter 1 . 8/7/2010
I wish I would have taken a look at this chapter so much sooner. The first chapter was very intriguing because of the different turns in the plot. It went from the last few boring minutes in the classroom to the lively interaction between her best friend Kathryn to her being enchanted by some music to suddenly being warped into a dream. I really enjoyed your descriptions, you could really visualize the scene. Everything was nicely paced and you really got a feel for who the characters are. I think another reason I was intrigued was because in my story Domain of Power the main character also has these vivid dreams and sometimes loses his grip on reality. The ending was eerie yet left me wondering what was next. Overall really nice start!
dreamingotwilight chapter 2 . 8/6/2010
I actually really really liked this! It was surprisingly unpredictable. I didn't expect to see the boy in the coffee shop, or for a new, mysterious boy to save her. I loved it! So subscribing... and I just realized this is a romance so all the better.

In terms of setting, you do a very good job of honing in on your main character, but leave the rest of the area a blur. Like when she left the coffee shop, I sort of made up my own setting in my head, but if you had written one instead, it would've been all the more life like! Talk about the wall, the smells, the weather, the crunchy ground, the "green, Smirnoff" truck. More details! You don't have to actually use these, just trying to give examples.

In terms of Kathryn, she is sort of a flat character. Very mary sue. The usual happy, energetic, pretty girl... throw in some other trait to make her seem less perfect, please?

Other than that, wonderful, intriguing, and exciting! :D
dreamingotwilight chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
Sorry it took so long to return your review...

In the beginning, I was surprisingly interested and sucked into the story, but I'm not quite sure where this story is going at all. The piano part was very eerie, I liked it, but I kind of zoned out a bit from lack of action haha. Good though, you're a very good writer; your words really set where you are well, I could see the school in my eyes and her vision. I just I wish I knew what was going to happen in this story~
Yui Hina chapter 2 . 8/6/2010
ur story is interesting, not too long. Hope u'll update soon.
Wounded-Petals chapter 2 . 8/5/2010
Well, there isn't much that I can say about this chapter...wait, that's wrong. I can say a lot. This chapter was interesting matter of fact. There were a few grammatical mistakes in it, but since you said that you normally look over it I figure they're things that can be fixed for sure.

The interaction between Kathryn and Cami was good again, there were a few times when the dialogue felt a little bit forced, but other than that the chapter is good.

Update soon.

W-P
Wounded-Petals chapter 1 . 8/5/2010
This story seems like a very intriguing idea, and I like the way that you set things off. Starting out semi slow with her in class and being bored to the point of going into a daydream... It's something that many people can relate to.

I liked the interaction between Cami and Kathryn, they come off as best friends and sisters as well.

This was a great first chapter, but the only thing that I would be careful of is that sometimes when her thoughts are spoken they change tenses. I'm not certain if you wanted it that way or not.

Onto the next chapter.

W-P
pollyspocket chapter 2 . 8/3/2010
Instantly, we start with a dream, which is great, by the way. I sense the dreams come into the storyline, so it makes it all the more fun to read them.

Kathryn doesn't seem too different than the regular, bubbly female friend of a character, and I'll have to admit, but I can't say this is a bad thing either. ;) It may just be fine to the story.

And then we meet *him*, the boy with the blue eyes from her dream. This makes the reader snap out of the usual scenes we've been seeing and instantly connect with the romance genre that moves into this story, the mysterious guy, somewhat romantic, no?

Once Cami gets hurt, there is another guy there, which also raises the level of intensity this chapter holds. Good work.

I enjoyed the read.

-Heart
J. D. Bennett chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
I love the first paragraph. Not the dialogue, but the paragraph beneath it, which I guess is considered the second paragraph, but I digress. Your use of the senses is just great. Normally in descriptions there is just one sense: vision. The reader imagines the image in their mind. Here, you use the sound of the chalk on the chalkboard. It adds a whole different dimension, which brings the story more to life. Same with the "tick tock" of the clock. More audio. Brilliant.

Cami and Kathryn don't seem to have a very good relationship. Cami seems pretty annoyed with Kathryn. They don't have much positive banter. Is Cami REALLY not jealous?

Her dream in the piano shop is interesting. Are these dreams foreshadowing? And who was playing the piano? Or was it just a hallucination?

This was a good chapter. The plot may play out to be a little stale, but as long as you keep it fresh with these dreams, it should be perfectly fine. I don't mean to sound condescending or anything but your profile says that you're 13 and THIS IS SO GOOD for being written by a 13 year old. I didn't write nearly as good at 13. Grammatically it's flawless and it has a nice flow with good vocabulary. Keep up the excellent work! Cheers!
Launo chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
I love the description in the beginning of the chalk. I like the pace of the story and the point where it starts. The style was really beautiful.
short circuit chapter 2 . 8/3/2010
Okay, I noticed a lot of commas missing in this chapter. You're also missing spaces after ellipses, and ONLY use three dots for them. As many reviewers have said before me, the mentioning of names of the keys is pretty unnecessary, especially for readers not well acquainted with music. Your adjectives describing hair and eye colour are also a bit cliche, and you overuse "electric blue eyes".

Otherwise, I commend you for your wording yet again, another cliffhanger ending, and the mystery that you convey which surrounds the entire plotline.
short circuit chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
I really, really like the way you use your words so skilfully to create such lovely description, even in simple situations like with the classroom scene. Just a tip: Try starting sentences with adverbs. Your variety of sentence-starters is already good, though.

You're missing a couple of commas here and there, but it's nothing major. I also like the ambiguous cliffhanger ending, from a writer's perspective. It's a good technique to draw readers in.
pollyspocket chapter 1 . 7/29/2010
I can see this character has sarcasm and bluntness, an enjoyable trait for me as a reader. The line at the beginning about Teachers Like To Listen To Themselves Talk is quite true, actually. ;)

I wonder if her dreams do actually come into the story, I'm presuming they do. I find dreams in stories to give good insight into the true heart of a character, so putting one in Chapter One was quite clever.

This is more of a character that talks to the reader, as different than just telling the story. Also a good trait to a character and the way you present it!

And the ending, where she faints, is a good way to end. The piano player interested me to no end and the cliffhanger was hard, I mean, it literally stompted on your toes hard. XD

Thank you for writing this, it was a very enjoyable chapter.
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 7/29/2010
I liked the relationship between Kath and Cami - for some reason, it seems more solid than in the previous version? Like they seem closer. The only thing I'd suggest is taking the 'ever' out of '"He said that this building has been closed for five years and no one has ever entered it since then."' that line, it might make it flow a little bit better.

The appearence of the blue eyed guy was done really well, though I think you could have built up her thought process in regards to that a bit more; to me, it seems as though that's all she is currently thinking about, maybe you could have her thinking 'I have to find him' or something? Just to emphasis why she wasn't looking when she crossed the road?

Anyways, nice work so far and I look forward to the next chapter!
Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 2 . 7/28/2010
I was a little distracted by some of the dialogue; in the first half of the chapter, you could've condensed the waking up scene to make it less significant as I have the feeling that that part is just filler.

Other than that, the storyline in here was a nice surprise, especially the ending. Everyone expects the hot guy to save the girl, so it was great for you to go against expectations! :)

~ Sakina from the Roadhouse x
Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 1 . 7/28/2010
This is an intriguing chapter, and definitely makes me want to read more. I thought a few of the sentences seemed to be a bit contrived, it feels a little too much like some of the other high school stories I've seen on this site, but this is contrasted quite nicely by the surreal dream sequences and the piano scene you had at the end.

I found a few errors here:

She finally turned to me, her soft lips mouthing something that I cannot [could not] quite comprehend… "Sanders, Sanders" A voice repeatedly called…

Of course, it's none other than… [I'd change this to the past tense]

I could [couldn't] care less though because at least I could stay here for a good ten minutes listening to the music before I got caught, or hopefully, escaped.

~ Sakina x
75 | « Prev Page 1 .. 2 3 4 .. Last Next »