Reviews for Untangling the Web
Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 2 . 7/27/2010
Erm sorry that I can't suggest anything constructive for now. Somehow or another, my brain switched off. -.- Anyway, the dream sequence was really interesting. Good usage of words to form the imagery and a relevant extent of reaction from Cami as well. The interaction between her and Kath was also quite well from start to the end. That part on the building and that weird dude really invoked my interest as to what is truly going on here. That plus I suspect he's got something to do with the moment of the truck. Apart from that, nothing much to say. Sorry that this review is awfully short and out of depth. Definitely not the kind you're looking for, but I'm really under a state of major brain fart. x.x

P.S: Pay back via A Ranger's Tale. you've stopped at the first chapter. :)

-From the Roadhouse. :)
WutNow chapter 2 . 7/26/2010
Here from the Roadhouse!

Howdy there! To answer some of your author's note... I'm sorry to be nit picky and all, but I think it is best to put them on the bottom of the page instead of the top. The reason I say this is because it shows no spoilers for the chapter, and it also goes straight into the story. And I don't think you should say "I don't like this chapter" because I think to myself "If the author doesn't like their own writing, will I?" etc, you know what I'm saying? So be positive and don't doubt yourself :D. Sorry, anyway, here's my review XD:

Overall Content:

I thought the chapter had an acceptable transition from the previous one. So the dream sequence included the school? As well as her walking into the piano store? I found that part interesting. I thought your descriptions have improved, and I really liked the pacing of this chapter. It didn't feel like it was an info dump, but a gradual transition. I'm a little confused about her relationship with Kathryn though. I know they are not sisters...Roomates maybe? That wasn't quite clearly stated (and if you did I'm sorry that I missed it, I just woke up XD). Also, to be honest, I didn't really buy Kath's interest in her friend's story. Though I do like the close relationship you built for the two of them, I just felt like the situation felt a little pushed. For example, if someone told me a weird dream, I wouldn't go investigating if it meant anything or not. If I were Kath, I'd be a little suspicious, curious, but not determined enough to find the source. Then again, Kath probably knows a lot of her visions, but I'm pretty sure not to the extent where things actually happen, you know? I don't know, maybe it is just me (sorry for being nit picky today XD).

I really liked the way you emphasized the color of his eyes though. The description was vivid and I really liked it. In whole, I thought it was an okay read. There was some climactic events in there that I felt sort of rushed (near the end), maybe you could have described it a little more? Than again, who has time to think when a truck is headed their way? Haha

Now, for the things you can tweak:

-Why I stood there and watched as they were ripped to shreds, hurt and abused- you didn't answer the question... and without an answer I feel like the sentence was incomplete.

-Blue eyes seared into my vision. Bright blue orbs- I'm the kind of person that doesn't like to see repetition of the same word near the sentence, and I find it like neon lights whenever I read a story. I think you can say this sentence without repeating the color blue. For example: "A person's eyes seared into my vision. Bright, blue orbs" etc.

-Then the crystal circles floated over to a piano and I noticed that they were attached to an older boy this time- "crystal circles" felt a little iffy. Maybe "circular crystals" instead? And also, I think you could pick a different verb than "attached" to the boy... it just sounds weird. "Belonged" might be a better choice of word.

-His small[add comma] fragile fingers caressed the cream colored keys of the black piano.- love all the detail you added here :)

-I woke up with a gasp and with sweat dripping down from my temples and covering my entire body.- too much "and." Try to rearrange the sentence to make it flow a little nicer.

-I shrieked and immediately jumped in any direction- I don't think "any direction" should be placed there. Just say jumped.

-Vanilla Mocha Frappuccino ... Hm... YEs... YES! MUHAHA XD

-The next thing I know [knew][add comma] I'm [I was] kneeling down on the sidewalk.

Those are the only things i caught. I hope this helps! I hope you enjoyed this review and I can't wait to hear from you soon :D

-Agent
esthaelum chapter 2 . 7/26/2010
I love the part with the dream. I think you wrote that really well. It was beautifully described, like it was some sort of a serene dream, but it was also very mysterious and vague. The only thing that I didn't quite like was this part:

'Black Notes surrounded him: A, E, C#, D, B,, G# F# and a countless others followed.'

- Now, for someone who is oblivious to music as I am, I have no idea how to picture (or hear?) that scene. I don't think you need those notes there, but that's just my opinion.

Oh dear. Did she get run over by the truck..? That's what you get for jaywalking... *sigh*

Hmm... I think that boy was was the one in her dream. Why else would she react that way when seeing him..?

Roadhouse~
MeAsIAm chapter 2 . 7/26/2010
This was an interesting chapter.

You had left the last chapter at an intriguing note, so the 'dream' seems to be fitting at the start.

Black Notes surrounded him: A, E, C#, D, B,, G# F# and a countless others followed

- What is the significance of these notes, if any? I could imagine the notes floating around him :) Maybe the notes are countless as she could only recognise the first few as they came out, but those that followed were many in number and in speed?

Cami's lukewarm attitude towards the visit to the music store seemed a little strange to me. I think I have mentioned this in the last review, but whay does Cami think about her dreams/visions? It really intrigues me that over all she does not have to say anything about them, which are an integral part of her life.

The end was really good. Will be waiting for more.

via the roadhouse
deefective chapter 1 . 7/25/2010
You have a pretty awesome narrative going on here. I loved the voice of the main character, Cami. I could tell you took time to develop it and make it perfect. There's this almost boy-ish undertone to her narration that really does make for an interesting tone. I liked the fact that it was consistent throughout. There wasn't a point where I thought you were interjecting your own voice into this, which can happen a lot with story writers, so that was good. The dialogue between Kathryn and Cami was a bit rough around the edges, though. It felt rigid and less flowy than the rest of this piece. I think maybe it's because this is just a first chapter. I have a feeling it'll get smoother. Interesting scene at the end there, with the dream. It certainly leaves some ideas laying around at the end there, which is great. I liked the fact that it was ambiguous enough to keep the reader guessing and making up their own conclusions. Other than that, nicely done.
Narq chapter 2 . 7/24/2010
Nope, not boring and definately note long! I think it was intruging. I'm not sure what the story is heading onto, neither am I sure what the hell is going on :P But I think you're doing something right because the change in setting was definately welcomed (and you did this chapter/setting well so good job!)

A, E, C#, D, B,, G# F#

- what's the significance of this? Is there a anagram in it or something? (I don't think so), otherwise, maybe you could show how it sounds, and how it makes her feel?

I noticed your "twenty minutes later" "ten minutes later" ect, and though it is a style thing, I'd reccomend you take it out - unless it is critical to your story, ie, if your story is a detective story or something of that sort which makes the timing important.

The ending could be a bit more fast paced - I think a good way to do this is the use more jumbled/scrambled/SHORT sentences. Let's take this for example: "I said nervously. Those electric blue eyes gazed back at me... the floor."

First, you don't need the "nervously" because you've SHOWN that in your dialogue. Then, " I glanced across the road for Kathryn's worried face and I noticed she was making her way over to me, looking both ways before she scurried across the street." - whoa, way too long a sentence. Break it up. " I glanced across the road for Kathryn's worried face. Looking both ways, she scurried across the street." (now, even that isn't tight enough!) Next, "I gazed back at where she was formerly standing before the whole incident and my breath caught in my throat." - "I gazed back at where she was formerly standing. My breath caught in my throat. (this is cliche, too, so consider changing that)" also, " before the whole incident and" is not needed because you have formerly, so is redundant. Then, "A smug grin spread across his thin lips, or at least they looked thin from a distance, and I narrowed my eyes at him." - do you need the "or at least they looked thin from a distance"? is it important or does it contribute to your characterisation in any way? If not, then take it out. No "and" new sentence, "I narrowed..."

Phew, do you get what I'm getting at? Make your sentences tighter. Be careful of unnecessay repetition ie redundancy.

Hope I helped.

Narq.
S. M. Saves chapter 2 . 7/24/2010
"Black Notes surrounded him: A, E, C#, D, B,, G# F# and countless others followed.": If there were "countless" others played then what is the significance of the notes that you've listed? Are they the notes that make up the melody? Is the reader supposed to note (Ha!) that he's playing in the key of A? Perhaps, instead of listing the notes, place in the significance of the key signature instead. What does this piece with three sharps sound like?

"My dreams [had never been as dark or eerie] before but ever since I'd stumbled upon that mysterious piano player yesterday, they'd been out of control. So why [now were they] different?": Are her dreams similar to her visions? If so, note that they are the same; that she sees the same figures and the words "vision" and "dream" are interchangeable. I also changed up her description of the shift in dream content because I tripped over that particular set of lines. They just seemed awkward. Also, she had stumbled upon the piano player "yesterday"? So why couldn't it be a one time deal? Unless she's considering the vision of the boy being abused by his father and this nightmare together. Still, "ever since" implies in my mind that a significant amount of time has past but that's how I look at it.

How did Kathryn get into her house? Teleportation?

"such a simple task as going down to a music store": Simple? Why the change of demeanor? Cami hadn't seemed so keen on the idea to begin with. Kathryn has quite a talent for changing opinions.

Since noting the time doesn't play much of a role in this part, take out the "in the next twenty minutes". And I'm with Cami, I was surprised Kathryn wasn't rambling too. She was so enthusiastic in the first portion on going to the music store. What killed it?

"a male crossing guard [who] was standing"

"I gave her a smile small": Heh. "small smile".

Take out "ten minutes later". It's not dire information the reader needs to know. Unless they're racing against time to get to Le Java?

"a waitress came up to us[,] a pen and note pad in hand.": Or place "with" where the comma is.

The "five minutes" can be kept in since it serves a purpose (new record).

"The truck beeped"? Have you heard a truck horn? It's more like an annoying wail. Sounds more like a beetle is driving towards her.

Use "ground" not "floor". "Floor" makes it sound like they're inside, not out. Or use sidewalk or concrete.

I would like you to rewrite the ending in such a way that makes it more fast-paced. Cami just saw the guy from her vision. Make the reader know that this is pretty freaking important! Isn't she even a little bit desperate to get to the bottom of this? I'll start you off since I'm probably being a screwball in asking you to rewrite a significant portion of your chapter.

"I bolted up from my seat, startling her, and fought my way through the crowded store towards the front door. A rush of chilly October air struck me, stinging my face as I exited the stuffiness of the overcrowded shop. The sudden change in atmosphere wasn't my main concern. I whipped my head left and right, searching for those familiar blue eyes. It wasn't like me to act this way, all insane and desperate, but that ring was the only link to my dream. And I had this nagging feeling in my gut that maybe, just maybe, it held the power to make the visions stop."

Whew! That's just something rough I put together, but you catch my drift? There's nothing fatally wrong with this chapter. It just needs some hammering out. That's all. Oh and about the high school setting being overused comment. Yeah, it's true, but in a way you can't go wrong with it because it's one of those universal settings that most readers can easily identify with since most people have had the joy of going through high school. It's up to you, though, to make your high school settings stand out from everyone elses'.

Hope this review helps.

S. M. Saves
this wild abyss chapter 2 . 7/24/2010
Hello!

So, this is certainly an interesting premise for a story. I really like how you stick the visions/dreams or whatever into the plot. Nicely done.
S. M. Saves chapter 1 . 7/20/2010
After twenty-some-odd reviews on this chapter, I highly doubt you want any more critiques on spelling/grammar errors so I'll leave them out of this review. ;)

"five more minutes": Really? It seems like the narrator just got to class and already we're at the five minute countdown to freedom? The progression of time feels a bit sped up. A quick fix would be to start the line with something like "After an eternity of babble, I risk a glance up at the clock: five more minutes".

"practically a portable TV": Try to draw a comparison between her visions and a TV (changing channels, static, how a TV is dark when it's first turned on, etc). You throw out the comment about how the narrator is like a TV but don't actually put out why other than the "unusual vision".

"skinny and dirty blonde version of Tigger": Haha moment. Interesting description. If she was actually Tigger she probably would have pounced on the poor narrator. That would have caused quite a scene. Haha!

(really I wasn't): Remove the parentheses and replace with commas. (Crap! Was that a grammatical comment?)

"being friends with Kathryn for God knows how long": But we know how long they've been friends - since kindergarten. Might want to remove that part.

"ask what the hell she was talking about": This seems strange since Cami has known this girl for most of her life. Hasn't Kathryn ever challenged her to a race before?

"probably trespassing": Trespassing? In a store during normal operating hours? Unless she's going through an "Employees Only" door, she should be alright.

Ugh, I hate that! The feeling that you've played something before but you can't remember the name of the piece or when you played it. It burns me! (I play clarinet.)

Ghost piano? Spooky! ;)

Overall, it's a beginning with a twist at the end. Really. I identified real well with the narrator having gone through the whole high school thing myself so I was able to see everything. I'm going to give a cautious critique: pick up the motion just a tad. This dragged out a bit. Then again, you could post chapter two and I could be swept away at a hundred and twenty mph. That's why I give it cautiously cause I don't have a clue what you have in mind for us readers in the chapters to follow.

Good luck and thanks for reviewing my work.

S. M. Saves
AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 7/18/2010
Hello. :)

First off, I have to say that I love logarithms. :P

I felt like you described everything in a believable way, and I could easily put myself into the Cami's shoes. :) I also thought that how easily she accepts her 'visions' is unique as well. The visions that she had really piqued my curiosity, and I'm wondering how this will affect her relationships with her friends and such. :P

I do like Kathryn's character, even if it is a bit cliche at times. :P I love it when friendships form between two unexpected people. :P

Great job on this first chapter. :) Can't wait to see what happens next! :D

~Avid, via the Roadhouse. repaying reviews. 1/1. :D
lipleaf chapter 1 . 7/18/2010
The way you transition from being completely normal in the beginning and then turning into supernatural/fantasy is and interesting. You pulled the shift off quite well- there wasn't any spontaneous burst of magical abilities or a stranger that leads her to new worlds. It's a gradual change. I think there are a few patches where you need a comma or two, but there doesn't seem to be too many technical mistakes.

In some places, the writing sounds a bit young- that is to say, juvenile. I can't completely explain it, but there are subtleties like word choice and diction level that create that feeling.
HoodedStellaish chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
Hello!

First off, I loved the mystery to this story. Personally, (being a spaz myself), I could relate more to Kathryn, but I really liked Cami too. I loved how she could close her eyes and then BOOM-! Vision! That was outstanding in the creativity department. Very good job!

I really suck at this "advice" or critique stuff when it comes to the narration, but all I can say is that if it's been done before, ditch it. If it's been done before, it's cliche. That's the best advice I can offer, and be unique! Show us what we're see, and sometimes you *do* have to tell them. So keep it up!

~Stella
ByYourSide chapter 1 . 7/16/2010
Wowza, poor Cami. It would freak me out SO much to have visions like that. I'd be terrified. I think my mind would break.

Her friend Kathryn is a real piece of work. She seems fun to be around, though, for sure. I don't blame her for getting so excited over Zach Garcia, and for wanting to talk about it for ages afterward. Talking about boys love.

I wonder if there was anyone playing the piano...

A haunting and creative beginning. Good job! :)
Creeping Collarbones chapter 1 . 7/16/2010
Thanks for your review!

The way she scraped the chalk against the board like a dog's aggravated claws constantly scratching against the bark of an ancient tree, was so unpleasant that just thinking about it sent shivers rippling up my spine.- Great similie! I don't think the comma after tree is needed, though.

The dialogue is very realistic and exactly how I imagined them to be.

The dream sequnences were done well.

This is interesting so far! (:

Good job!
Kurisuten chapter 1 . 7/16/2010
I'm not sure that I ever repaid my review to you! Well, if I did, here's another one :)

High school settings are a bit overused, though I know it is hard to avoid if the character IS supposed to be a high schooler. Overall, you made it interesting enough to where I read it all the way to the end, and that is great since the piano section and the dream is quite intriguing!

I don't really have much to add besides what everyone else has said. Watch your tenses, and perhaps add more of a positive air to Cami's friendship with Kathryn. I feel like I'm just saying the same old thing. xD

Keep on writing! I can't wait to see what you do with this :)

~Netty-chan214 from the Roadhouse
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