Reviews for Untangling the Web
Charel Lebl chapter 1 . 7/13/2010
Very realistic! The dialogue is exactly how I would imagine it. And the dreams are very interesting...I'm extremely curious to see how they turn out. I'd say it has a lot of promise. Keep Writing!

~CL
Aspiemor chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
Okay from the opening I thought it would be a reality story but after reading the end I can see the fantasy. Both were goo. I can relate to annoying teacher, I have met some in my life time. I did like Kathryn and how Cami seemed to have some form of disdain or at least embarrassment towards her. Though the dream bit has interested me. So far this isn't like any usual fantasy story I have read. I look forward to more
Narq chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
lol - I must say when I saw your teacher "McNeil", I went back to your profile to see where you were from. You see, I've also a teacher called "McNeil" which kinda has a similiar personality to what yours is ;) (but we're in different places so different person then).

Okay, into the chapter. I think you were very brave taking this into a high school setting because people expect that to be very boring. Hopefully you can prove to those that it isn't. So far, I'm not sure if you have, but I"m willing to stick to you and see if you will!

"Well you found me so, what's the big news?"

- I felt that this was punctuated weirdly. Comma after "well" maybe? and maybe either a comma also before "so" or a full stop.

“Guess what Zach Garcia just asked me?" She said, an unusual extra sparkle in her green eyes that surprisingly ticked me off."

- no captial for "she". And this is personal, but I'm not especially fond of hte word surprisingly. You should be able to show this surprise instead of saying it.

She scoffed and playfully hit me on the shoulder showing she was insulted that I wasn't excited that she was coming over.

-This is way to tell-y for me. The reader should be able to see that the scoffing and playfully hiting on the shoulder meant that she was insulted. You shouldn't have to SAY it.

"Mommy.." The boy cried.

-This should be either "Mommy..." the boy cried. OR "Mommy," the boy cried.

"Why cry for the woman you murdered," The man said, anger seething through every word he spat at the child.

- First problem with this, it should be 'the' with no captial, and if the man was so angry as you show up there, he wouldn't just 'say' it. Other words such as "hiss" or even just "spat" and then you could tweak the sentence into "Why cry for the woman you murdered," the man spat, anger seething through every word. (at the child is not needed because we know he is talking to her).

Also, I noticed that there were mistakes with your tenses. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but even if it is, you'll need to have a reason why.

Hang in there, I know you've got it in you!

Narq.
Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
You're writing definitely improved from DCTNSAM! :D. So you deserve a round of applause!

I really liked all of the vocab words and descriptions you intertwined within your story. They really painted an image in my mind and I could picture everything perfectly. The dialogue was realisic as well, so kudos for that! I really didn't see any errors whatseover, and the ending was my favorite part. I really love creepy, dark, errie writing :3.

Hehe, anyways, on a less serious note, Kathryn reminds me of myself. :3. I'm usually like her, except for the whole gossip thing. I hate gossip. xD.

Update soon, thanks!

~B. Cross from the RH

P.S. Could you please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you!
lianoid chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
Overall, I didn’t find this very interesting. I’m rather weary of stories that take place in high school because, well... I find it all rather boring. This story follows a similar pattern I’ve seen used in many other stories that take place in the same setting. We start with a student in class. Student thinks about how much they hate school, jocks, popular people, their teacher, homework, whatever. Student has a stream of sarcastic, cynical, and/or otherwise ordinary thoughts. Student gets in trouble for not paying attention. Bell rings, student goes to locker, meets up with friends, has lunch, whatever. School is over. / I just don’t find this pattern all that interesting and it usually puts me to sleep.

One thing that I didn’t particularly like or understand, was the narrator’s mixed feelings about this girl that’s supposed to be her best friend. One minute she’s thinking about how annoying she is and how “somehow” she’s her best friend, and the next she’s okay with her. Huh? Does this girl have no backbone? If I find someone so incredibly annoying, there’s no way in hell I’m going to let them follow me around from kindergarten all the way to high school. I think I’m a pretty nice person, but no way am I going to put up with that all day, let alone for years. This just doesn’t seem very realistic to me, and actually frustrated me quite a bit.

On the other hand, your descriptions were well constructed and clear, and everything was easy to picture. Aside from me not being interested in this, I think your writing is pretty solid. The part that sparked a little bit of interest was the mysterious piano player. I think it was wise to put that near the end; thus insuring people would look forward to the next chapter.

Edits

You need to check your comma placement in several areas. I didn’t point them all out, but there were quite a lot. You also need to check your tenses; I didn’t point out the problem areas since I see Emily has done so already. Also, your dialogue and dialogue tag punctuation needs some polishing. I have pointed out a few examples below, but there were many more that I did not address.

"Well you found me so, what's the big news?" I said while I made my way toward my locker and she eagerly followed like a cat, just itchy for a prey that she would absolutely not let get away.

-Edit: Toss a comma after “Well”.

-Personal: The speech tag/action sentence is WAY too long for my taste. Break it up into two smaller ones, why don’t cha? Something like “I said while I made my way toward my locker. She eagerly followed like a cat...” would be better, in my opinion.

“Guess what Zach Garcia just asked me?" She said, an unusual extra sparkle in her green eyes that surprisingly ticked me off.

-Edit: Change “She” to “she”. I haven’t encountered a great number of these types of errors in this piece, but I’m just gonna throw this one down so you don’t make the same mistake throughout the rest of your story. We’re talking dialogue and dialogue tag punctuation, now. When you follow up dialogue with your basic “s/he said, s/he whispered” et cetera, the ending punctuation within the dialogue needs to be a comma – unless of course an exclamation or question mark is warranted. The first letter of the first word outside of the dialogue needs to be lowercased – unless of course a name, place, et cetera. This rule applies even when the ending punctuation is an exclamation or question mark. When you follow up dialogue with an action (i.e. “I can’t believe it!” He stomped the ground, blah, blah, blah) the final punctuation inside of the dialogue needs to be a period – unless an exclamation or question mark is needed. The first letter of the first word outside of the dialogue then needs to be capitalized. In this situation, this rule applies even if the final punctuation is an exclamation or question mark. Make sense?

“We're going to see that new movie, umm what's it called…." She tapped her index finger on her chin repeatedly trying to find the answer, " Whatever it doesn't matter, but you know what this means right?" She said staring at me expectantly.

-Edit: I believe the comma after “answer” should be a period. I’m a little hazy with this type of situation; since you ended the previous stream of dialogue with ellipses. However, you threw a period after the ellipses, which would signal the end of that sentence (although you don’t necessarily need the fourth dot; however it is acceptable), so I believe the comma should be a period. Two more things: Remove the space between the comma after “answer” and the closing quotation mark (nitpicky, I know); and let me brief you on this type of dialogue/dialogue tag formatting. If you have a sentence like, “Well,” she began, “how do you feel about it?” the comma after “began” works because the first part of the dialogue is not complete. (Also, please note the first word in the second part of the dialogue after the dialogue tag begins with a lowercase letter). “Well, how do you feel about it?” is the full sentence, and is broken up by “she began”. In the case of your sentence above, the comma after “answer” doesn’t work because the first stream of dialogue is complete; you haven’t broken it up into two parts. The dialogue that follows “answer” is a new sentence, so punctuation following “answer” should be a period. I hope I explained that clearly enough. It was a simple error; I’m not trying to be harsh about it. I’m just making sure you know the punctuation rules for these sorts of situations before you continue on with the rest of your story; it’s no fun receiving reviews that tell you to make the same edits. :)

-One more thing (I’m a pain, I know). There’s another minor spacing issue. Remove the space between “Whatever” and its opening quotation mark.

"Says who?" I asked, taken off guard

-Edit: Place a period after “guard”.

I sighed. "Fine if you must."

-Edit?: Not 100% sure about this one, but I think there should be a comma after “Fine”.

She scoffed and playfully hit me on the shoulder showing she was insulted that I wasn't excited that she was coming over.

-Personal/Edit?: Either place a comma after “shoulder” or change to read “She scoffed and playfully hit me on the shoulder to show she was...” This is a mix of personal opinion and a questionable edit. P

...which was probably like two mph compared to her twenty-five mph.

-Edit?: Although I know what “mph” is, I think you should write it out. It’s almost like writing “5” instead of “five”.

"Mommy.." The boy cried.

-Edit: Throw one more period in there to complete the ellipses, and change “The” to “the”. I forgot to mention this, but the ellipses function just the same way as other punctuation when followed up by a dialogue tag. If it’s followed by an action (i.e. He stomped the ground), then the first letter of the first word is rightfully capitalized. In this sentence, the dialogue is followed up by a speech tag and therefore the first letter of the first word should be lowercased.

"You're a devil child!" The man said slapping the boy across the face.

-Edit: Same thing here. “The” should be “the”.

"Why cry for the woman you murdered," The man said, anger seething through every word he spat at the child.

-Edit: Although I sense this is a rhetorical question, it still warrants a question mark at the end. Also, change “The” to “the”.
WutNow chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
Here from the Roadhouse!

Omg... why did you have to begin with THAT? Damn math! XD! I just remembered how old I am and how ancient history those subjects are to me now XD lol.

The story seemed familiar, and it is when I realized that was fortunate enough to read the first draft. I just wanted to say that you have improved famously- your description is more juicy and vivid, your description of the characters flowed instead of feeling forced and injected into the sentences, the dialogue was put to a minimum in the chapter, but affective, and the interaction between the main character and her friend is realistic :) Great job:) Oh I'm so proud of you haha.

The beginning was a little cliche for me (it starting at school), waiting for it to end, etc, but I was entertained by the vividness of the chapter ( I gobble those up for breakfast! Nom nom nom). Oh, I realized that you described the other characters well, but lacked the description of what are main character looked like. I thought you needed some way to squeeze that information into the story somewhere.

I liked how you described the weird "universe of dream" the main character has when they close their eyes. If that happened to me, I would have seen a doctor. I'm a little surprised of how accepting the character is about their ability to do that.

For the things you can tweak- I thought you needed a better way to show how the main character was attracted to the music they heard. Just become someone plays music doesn't mean you go investigate right away. I know you briefly described how the main character used to play the piano, but I thought there needed to be a better reason. How were they drawn? A familiar music they heard in their dreams? A song they didn't hear for a long time? A music that tied to tragic event in their lives? Etc.

-I swear teachers enjoy listening to themselves talk.- I don't think this should be itallicized

- ...the way she scraped the chalk against the board like a dog's - add "was" between the and board

There were a few minor errors here and there, but a simple reread would fix that :). Overall, I thought it was a decent chapter. Um, also, I thought ending could have been a little more climactic. I had a feeling that their daydream would affect them, but it wasn't as climactic as i thought it would be. Maybe because I already predicted it happening? Yea, Maybe it is just me- sorry!

I'm off to the next chapter!

-Agent
Melody-kun chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
Great beginning so far! I just have two things. One, about the day/dreams - I find them a little too weird for Cami to find nothing to say about it. Are the dreams all she had known or had they changed into this? Two, sometime your sentences are a little too long, not sure if they're run ons, but I feel you should edit nonetheless. Anyway, I shall definitely continue reading and reviewing for the sake of it, (You don't need to review mine.) I love it so far!
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
Nice opening; I like how you started it with the lesson and then delved into the actual plot. I'd be careful of tense changes though; you seem to switch between past and present. I think, as well, that the relationship between Cami and Kathryn needs a bit more depth to it; right now, it seems like Cami doesn't actually like her best friend, I get the impression that she finds her annoying; you might want to add something more about their friendship and the sort of 'positive' side of it.
Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
Okay, you might not remember me, but I've actually reviewed the previous write of this story. Just forgot where I've stopped at that point of time though. -.- Anyway, my memory is a bit fuzzy in terms of the original version, so forgive me if I can't come up with any comparison. Okay ,so firstly it's good that you've managed to input an everyday life event as the starter and linking the whole thing into the focus of the plot. I still remember the piano part though and I don't think you've done anything to tweak the whole part, which to me is a good thing since I'm not one for drastic changes unless it's there to improve the characters and stories. And Kathryn really seems like the stereotypical dumb blonde to me. No offense meant to you if you're one though. After all, I did use the term stereotypical. :D But if there's anything I can suggest in improving, it will be the fact that the final dream scenario could have been so much more better if you can given the adult man a stronger show of emotions so as to heighten the impact. Apart from that, nothing much to say.

P.S: I think you've finished reviewing The Eternal Grail up till the updated chapter, so I hope you can return this review via A Ranger's Tale. Do take note that I'm looking for a beta to correct the grammar issues and what not, so just ignore any such mistakes.

- From The Roadhouse. :)
MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
Interesting start. I remember having read this some time ago, but a fresh start of the story would be exciting! :)

Cami's voice is not unusual, but memorable. Her tone of sarcasm is something I can relate to. One thing I noticed was the underplay of these daydreams. If she had had them often, we would have liked to see her take on them. It is pretty standard in this chapter - calling herself a portable TV and all that. But we miss out on the reason for her annoyance at these dreams - do they intrigue her, affect her concentration, she can't stop thinking about them etc.

The relationship between Cami and Kathryn is a bit odd, but I hope we see it warming up later! :) Kathryn seems like a happy go lucky kind of girl, not much into the in crowd, but not aeons away either.

You need to watch your tenses though. You alternate between present and past like:

The way she /scrapes/[scraped] the chalk against the board like a dog's aggravated claws constantly scratching against the bark of an ancient tree, /is/[was] so unpleasant that just thinking about it /sends/[sent] shivers rippling up my spine.

There are a couple more.

The story starts on an interesting note, and hoping to see more

soon! :)

-via the roadhouse
Piptik chapter 1 . 6/30/2010
Hiya!

"The way she scraped the chalk against the board like a dog's aggravated claws constantly scratching against the bark of an ancient tree, was so unpleasant that just thinking about it sends shivers rippling up my spine."

Ah, my ears actually began to hurt from reading that! DX XD

"And her rambling has begun."

lmao I feel sorry for Cami P

"If you're a guy don't try that at home because it will most likely lead to a fist fight and a broken nose."

Do you mean not try to hit Cami or don't play fight? I'm kinda confused because guys play fight more often then girls...

~"Race you!" She yelled, and before I could even respond or ask what the hell she was talking about, she dashed out of the parking lot, onto the sidewalk and out of my view.~

Hahaha, I always try to do that with my friends and barely any of them actually join in XP

~"You're a devil child!" The man said slapping the boy across the face.~

Geeze, that dad's a jerk o_

"No one was there; it was as if the whole place had been empty from the start. Out of fear of being caught, I picked myself up from the floor and fled."

Interesting ending )

Will Cami visit the piano place again? I hope so, it was interesting and kinda suspenseful! XD

Great start so far, can't wait to read the second chapter 3 Cami amuses me, and I absolutely love Kathryn XD

-Piptik

(Returning Review)
lookingwest chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
From Roadhouse

I swear teachers enjoy listening to themselves talk.

-Edit: within the first two sentences you've got a problem with your tense. Pick past or present. Since the first sentence was in past tense, and that's usually the tense that most author's find easiest and more natural to obtain, I'm going to switch your presents into past. So the following edit should be made for this sentence: "I [swore] teachers [enjoyed] listening to themselves talk."

The way she scrapes the chalk against the board like a dog's aggravated claws constantly scratching against the bark of an ancient tree, is so unpleasant that just thinking about it sends shivers rippling up my spine.

-Edit: present tense, should be past tense. Change "scrapes" to "scrapped" and "is" to "was"

Is just me or does the last five minutes of the last class of the day seem like the longest wait in the world?

-Edit: "Is" should be "was" and "does" should be "did"

"Miss Sanders!" My eyes flutter open and I switch back into reality...

-Edit: "flutter" should be "fluttered" and "switch" should be "switched"

I raise an eyebrow at her but luckily the bell rings signaling the end of school and everyone simultaneously rises up.

-Style Edit: would omit "up"

-Edit: "raise" should be "rose", "rings" should be "rung", and "rises" should be "rose"

I quickly grab my books...

-Edit: "grab" should be "grabbed"

...I sweetly smile at her and take a rain check on her lecture as I dash out of the classroom.

-Edit: "smile" should be "smiled" and "dash" should be "dashed"

I get swept up into the deluge of students...

-Style Edit: "I was swept into the deluge of students..."

...I shuffle my feet quickly across the floor...

-Edit: "shuffle" should be "shuffled"

I really don't know what I'm trying...

-Edit: "I'm" needs to be "I was"

...and I turn to look for the source of the outburst.

-Edit: "turn" should be "turned"

I try to slowly creep away so I don't draw any attention to myself and hopefully so she doesn't find me.

-Edit: "try" should be "tried", "don't" should be "didn't" and "doesn't" should be "wouldn't"

Ironically, this rambling lunatic is none other than...

-Edit: "is" needs to be "was"

Hard to believe isn't it?

-Edit: "isn't" needs to be "wasn't"

Here I am, like a lonely snail that attracts no attention what so ever, but of course Kathryn has to always have the spotlight wherever she goes.

-Edit: "am" needs to be "was", "attracts" needs to be "attracted", "what so ever" needs to be one word: "whatsoever", "has" must be "had" and "goes" should be "went"

I'm not jealous or anything because it's always been like that every since we...

-Edit: "I'm" should be "I was", "it's" should be "it has"

...I enjoy living under the radar.

-Edit: "enjoy" needs to be "enjoyed"

...for God knows how long, it's just natural...

-Edit: "knows" should be "knew" and "it's" should be "it was"

...Zach Garcia is a guy in her Chemistry class...

-Edit: "is" should be "was"

Unfortunately though he's...

-Edit: "he's" should be "he was"

Alright, so overall, you REALLY need to check your tenses, this chapter is just riddled with so many different switches back and forth, and it's unfortunately quite distracting. So I'd suggest just going through another read through and editing all the present tenses to switch into past, which will make the first chapter flow a lot better.

I liked the narrative voice of Cami though, she's got a great sarcastic way of describing things, and when her best friend shows up it was pretty amusing to see her introduction and then the contrast to her first avoidance to actually liking her friend's presence. I did feel that extreme annoyance and then shift to "oh she's the best friend I've ever had' was a little unrealistic, but interesting nonetheless, and it engaged me as a reader. I thought the settings were pretty mundane, but you spiced it up with this "dreaming" stuff that Cami does, sounds interesting and it's enough to leave me wanting to figure out more!
esthaelum chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
Im not a very big fan on stories that start with dialogue... I dunno. Maybe it's jsut cos Im immediately thrown into confusion xD

Hehe. But this is funny. I do agee that I think teacher enjoy listening to themselves talk... I loved how you told us that the teacher kept on talking. It does seem like an ordeal to have to listen to her... T_T

I usually dont liek reading high school stories like this, but this was good. I loved how you wrote Cami's thoguhts and narration. It really did make the story more lively and fun to read.

Roadhouse~

Repay via The Unwanted?~
this wild abyss chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
From the Roadhouse:

- It’s always nice to read a story that starts with dialogue.

- Ugh! I know what you mean about chalk. I’m so glad that most schools use whiteboards nowadays.

- In my opinion, putting dialogue or anything into all-caps is a bad idea. It looks unprofessional and childish. Italics sound just as good, thought I don’t suggest using them all that often, either.

- Okay, you need to stick to one verb tense. It’s confusing and hard to understand. This is a MAJOR issue, and it really needs to be fixed.

- Well, this was a very interesting chapter. I like the way you incorporated the visions into the flow.
Charlotte Russo chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
Good start. I think that next chapter you might want to explain how long she's been having these dreams for, and what caused them in the first place.

There's a new Leo DiCaprio and Ellen Page movie coming out that deals with the concept of dreams becoming reality, but I'm intrigued to see what happens in your story. I don't think I've ever read anything like this on FP before, so it's refreshing to see.

Another suggestion I have is to strengthen the relationship between Cami and Kathryn because it doesn't seem like Cami likes being friends with Kathyn. If they're best friends, then I would think that Cami would be happy for Kathryn when she says she's going on a date with Zach (bias aside). So yeah. I'm looking forward to chapter two.

:D

XOXO

Charlotte
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