|Reviews for Bird & Dragon|
| Ayx chapter 1 . 7/18/2010
I really like the imagery.
While reading it I noticed you used 'the' alot. I wondered how much stronger reading and vocalizing the poem might be if you removed 3/4's of them. It may be worth a shot...if you're looking to play around with the poem.
| Isca chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
"I washed the fire from your feet." This is a profoundly intimate image, for some reason; it's captivating.
"Gardens gabled from the gilded cage, sage slung." Talk about masterful alliteration. :)
"And we were unbroken." Heart-wrenching, yet beautiful.
| Gilee7 chapter 1 . 7/4/2010
[we turned down the music, / rode awkwardly singing along / to the wind as it sashayed through] The phrasing here is a bit awkward.
[and the enormity of another / eon of nights spent daintily spilt across / someone else's cold floor] I really like this part. Perhaps my favorite lines of the poem.
[gardens / gabled from the gilded cage] I can't make up my mind if I like this bit of alliteration or not. It seems a bit detracting from the actual poem.
[where once you / would have snickered at my seriousness] I do like the alliteration here, though.
[we were the last threads of / winter whistling along to] And especially here.
[incisors becomes beaks, molars becoming / motifs,] Either *incisors BECOME beaks* or *incisors becoming beaks*
This poem is quite heavy with the metaphors and symbolism and I honestly have no clue what it's about. I don't know what the "thirteenth evening" is referring to in the very first line. I would assume these two are lovers, but the speaker says they aren't, even though "any passerby (...) might disagree." I don't even get the bird/dragon metaphor. I guess the girl is the dragon, being daintier, more feminine; and the guy would be the dragon, bigger and more prone to rage and other guy-like behavior.
These two are obviously share a very close friendship, but perhaps the bird/dragon thing just means they're very different- almost opposites. The only thing in common between a bird and dragon is that they both fly. The female says she is the type to ridicule the war, whereas the guy takes things less seriously. Maybe the differences between these two keep them from being lovers, from truly being together, even though both may have feelings for the other, but they're both just afraid to take the leap? Their shared, yet repressed, feelings toward another may be the "light in the sky" that's referenced, the "drive,"- or car, rather- being their friendship. That theory would also explain the speaker referring to herself as "a dim hint."
That doesn't explain other lines, though, so I'm probably reading this poem completely wrong.
Regardless, I enjoyed it.
| ofbg chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
I like this piece. I like how it switches from reality to fantasy images. I also like it because I agree that summer is for late night fun.
| Black Sparrow chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
Inquiringly beautiful words, this was amazing.
I love the use of the single lines between some of the larger chunks and the way the length of the stanzas vary.
I love the line:
"pulling back bird wings from tight teeth,"
It just sounds so intriguing to me.
And the last two stanzas at the end:
"I sparkle to you
softly; a dim
but the night keeps humming by,
and we keep on driving, despite the
light in the sky."
You are a brilliant poet, never stop writing. This was simply amazing :)
| MargaretGraves chapter 1 . 6/29/2010
"when speaking we realized the weight
of each other, and the enormity of another
eon of nights spent daintily spilt across
someone else's cold floor."
That has to be my favorite part, I love the juxtaposition of words and ideas and images. Bea-u-ti-ful poem overall.