|Reviews for Forever is a Long Time|
| Your-Magpie chapter 1 . 7/19/2010
Opening: had such a setting to it. the calendar gave it a place with walls, and the rest of the description filled it in for me, but i liked how it started with the date and the calendar; the time of the beginning of the story being the catalyst. The short snappy sentences (which actually did remind me of a dream!) and the uncertainty - the rhetorical questions- of the narrator. It hooked me in the theme of the blanched, quick firing descriptive style that shows you all the parts of the person's appearance, and hones in on it so quickly, that it's almost film like, you can really imagine it.
Because this is a really ominous chapter/styling, i like how off handed sayings like 'Neat as a pin' are in this. It makes the narrator seem to have an eerie edge to them.
Using rhetorical questions made me think too.
I really like how you made the person see the woman next to her holding her, then she notices. Really shows how you've gotten under the nails of the character.
I've always enjoyed the non-speaking stories- or stories in the sense that they dont have tags around the writing, or " marks. Makes it vague, dramatic, mysterious, and open to interpretation. I would say though, that using this too much in general does slow down the pace a lot, seeing as dialogue shows actions, or makes them, so be wary of that.
"...I'm not walking, but floating. i'm floating past the streetlights..." that was a really creative way of proceeding. i liked how lyrical it flowed as well.
OMIT: She, HERSELF, looks different. The 'herself' doesn't seem to do anything different to the sentence as opposed to without it.
The way you showed her realising something was wrong- the moment where she knew it wasn't an ordinary day- was really good. I liked how you showed that, and it made me curious.
I think you overuse short sentences in the third paragraph in the third break. It makes me run over all of the sentences when there are loads of full stops and i find it hard to follow.
Character: you have fleshed her out nicely, but i think that light humour, or her wry take on a few things wouldn't go amiss. She sounds scared, shocked and in a bad place, but surely your heroine of the story doesn't let this get her down?
Pace: up until that second break, not that much action happens, however, as a one-off writing piece, I don't think it matters that nothing has progressed- but has rather backtracked to explain the foundations of the story- as long as the rest of the story doesn't fit into that pattern.
Overall: i think that as a one-shot that you conveyed the theme really well. I felt for your characters, but at the same time wanted more out of them, a little more realism to them. it also took me until the second break to realise it was a girl- some readers like the mystery of not knowing if it was a girl or boy, but it frustrates me. The use of non-dialogue tags, and setting it in the past tense was really interesting, and i always enjoy reading in those formats.
I liked how the title was also the ending sentence, really rounded it off, and somehow gave closure to me by the end of your work. Without it, i would have wondered what happened to her, and without her dad. But the last sentence says it all with firm finality.
To conclude, a really interesting piece, and i hope to read more from you.
- From the Review Game: Stories- Depth.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
Opening: The first paragraph, while not very in depth or moving, was strong in a way all its own. It starts by telling the reader what day it is, and then describes the setting in vivid terms that leave just enough to the imagination. Right away you’ve established the ‘when?’ and ‘where?’ of the scene, and you do it in such a nice way. Since the narrator is seeing everything for the first time, the reader is given a better image of what the room is like.
Dialogue: So, there wasn’t actually and straight up dialogue in this piece, and I think it worked. You told what the characters were saying without quotation marks, and rather than hindering the flow of the scene, I think it added to it.
Writing: Your writing was beautiful. It expressed everything perfectly, and I saw the setting and the images your were trying to put forth perfectly. At times, I did feel that your descriptions were a little too long, and that they could have been cut down a little, but other than that it was fine.
Enjoyment: I really liked this. It presented a situation that was unique, and then fleshed out that scene in a vague way that drew me in further. There were no spelling/grammar mistakes to detract from my reading, and on the whole it was a very well-written piece.
| RandomUser674 chapter 1 . 7/1/2010
That was a very well-written story. The ending made me very sad. Great imagery. Keep writing!