|Reviews for 99 Days|
| MadameVictoria chapter 1 . 8/5/2010
That was very interesting. You did change tense a bit here and there. But other than that it was well written.
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 2 . 8/3/2010
Uh, no lie, but you did kind of butcher the characters. D: Let me see if I can help you work a few things out, though. :)
Techniques: This chapter was A LOT of telling and no showing. I felt kind of betrayed. There was a part where you were just describing Daniel's misery. Aah, man. I was so disappointed. That could have easily been described if Natatlie had tried to talk to him, or maybe if he had gotten his own scene where he was just thinking about Mandy.
The dog, also, could have easily been described by the drunk teens. Maybe one of them tries to touch it and the other says don't, it's all scruffy, or something to that effect.
Pace: This chapter went kind of quick, especially the transition from dead girl to helpful spirit for Mandy. I mean, didn't she go through her trauma of coming back as a ghost? Why did she want Mr. Hanley to save the dog? How does she suddenly have all these plans? The progression of events is moving at a startling speed.
Relationships: The relationship between Natalie and Charlotte is starting to look like it's about to fray apart. Which I like. It's realistic. Most would think a murder would bring them closer, but things like this usually drive friends apart. Also, Natalie's heartlessness on the matter really seems to be putting things on edge.
Characters: Natalie has stayed in character through the past two chapters-fantastic! She's heartless and kind of psychotic in her own way, which I love. I wonder what role she's going to play in all this. o: I mean, what could she do? Hmm. Intrigue!
I'm still not feeling it from Mr. Hanley, though. He's really got to get some life into him. Maybe in the next chapter? I just really need to see him as you see him.
Ending: Was quite a cliffhanger. I would like to know what's all going on her. Maybe Mandy will take over the body of the dog? Maybe she'll keep trying to contact Mr. Hanley and let him know who killed her? Hmm. I like it so far, keep it up. :)
| VelvetyCheerio chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
Opening: Now, this isn't too say that your story is bad, but the opening was weak. Also a little confusing.
[The chirping of birds and the strong sun fighting through the winter clouds shone on the used-to-be pallid-walls-but-yellowed-by-age of West Point High School implies that it is spring]
Shone should be shining, since the tense is present. Also, "used-to-be-pallid-etc..." I think it would make a lot more sense to put "but-yellowed-by-age" after "used-to-be-pallid" part. The flow of that sentence just didn't work for me. :/
Scene: I think two scenes really stuck out to me in this chapter. The first one was with Daniel and Mandy talking and Natalie sort of in the background watching. At first I thought she was nervous or something, like she didn't want to disturb Mandy and Daniel. But then when she left it made me think maybe she was jealous.
The second scene was of course, when Natalie pushes Mandy in the water. I can believe she did that! They're murderers! Well, Natalie is. And Charlotte is an accessory to the crime, now. I wonder what's going to happen to them.
Dialogue: Mr. Hanley surprised me in that he was talking about religion in a school. Though, it's whatever. It's fiction. :P I wasn't getting much of a feel for his character, though. I couldn't *feel* the eccentricity in his words.
Natalie really came off as a mean girl to me, though. She was snotty and green with envy, I loved it.
Writing: I loved that you used present tense to write this story. There were some parts where you kind of switched back into past, but overall, you pulled it off. It's something I've always wanted to try, but it's so hard for me. I just can't seem to keep everything right in present tense. There is a lack of emotion in the writing, though. Aside from Natalie, I'm really not feeling any of the other characters. Not even Mandy. :( I think you just need to work on giving the characters more life, get them into situations where their personalities will come through.
Enjoyment: I like where things are going so far. What else can I say? XD Murder just happened in the first chapter! O: I don't think I could ask for more. There will be more though, right? ;P Overall, a good chapter.
| KryssiHollie chapter 1 . 7/4/2010
Wow. :o Write more! WRITE MORE! You know what's weird? As you
described Mandy drowning it was so detailed, I imagined myself
drowning it was like...just..wow.
I hope someone saves Mandy though...she seems so nice..
| drurylane chapter 1 . 7/3/2010
Pro's: The story is interesting! The use of imagery and descriptive language is good. I can definitely feel the mood. I also appreciate the realistic dialogue.
Con's: There were a few times that I had to go back and read some sentences over again, because the wording or grammar didn't completely make sense to me the first time.
Although this incomplete story has left me hanging, I cannot wait for the second installment!