|Reviews for Right hand, left breast|
| Skyward Ending chapter 1 . 2/6/2011
Ooh, I liked this. I like how it flows from one topic into another but isn't random in how it moves.
The paragraph about Charlie was a bit out of place and I'm not entirely sure its purpose was completely relevant relative to the rest of the piece. Also, there are a couple weird tense issues that threw me off a little-especially the last line-but it didn't detract too much from the piece. That ending line was great nonetheless.
I really liked how the title fit in with the piece-right hand left breast like pledging allegiance, loyalty, while their crime was based on infidelity.
| Light The Match chapter 1 . 8/2/2010
Congratulations on winning July's WCC!
I think that it is a fantastic story, and you deserve to win.
The first time I read the beginning, I felt it is too confusing and it bores me a little. When I got to the middle, it started to make sense, but not until the very end did the threads started to connect in my head. And at that time, it didn't make much of an impression on me.
The second time I read it, I realize the importance of repeating the lines I have to applaud your great use of the prompt. The irony of the tattoos that they got is a clever idea.
Often, the transition between paragraphs, or lines, as the case may be, seems a little halted, as if more words are necessary to smooth the changes.
I especially like the character developments. The sentences reveal more and more about their personalities and I can picture these people in my mind.
Overall, it is a bit of a difficult piece to understand, but once you do, it becomes very enjoyable and you can appreciate the complexity of this well-written story.
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 8/1/2010
I love how everything adds up perfectly to make sense in the end. The series of seemingly unrelated images are soon connected by the thread of narrative to form a complete story of its own: one that the reader is left to imagine, instead of being spoonfed by the author.
Just the thing I needed on a dreary Sunday afternoon :)
Thoroughly enjoyed this from beginning to end. You definitely deserved the win at this month's writing competition. Please, do keep up the good work. It's hard to come across work as good as yours nowadays.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 7/19/2010
First of all, congratulations on the WCC victory.
Now, for your in-depth review:
The first thing I would like to comment on is your fantastic inspiration from the prompt. It was not macrofiction, but micro. You had unique-and very intruiging- individual characters, and that definitely gave your story a solid foundation.
I would like to get my only complaint out of the way early on-there was a slight discrepancy, at least in my mind, between the complexity of the characters and the "level" of the language you used. The words were just a little bit too fancy at points, especially at the beginning. It jarred me a little bit. After you began to describe the actual tattoos, however, the problem disappeared entirely.
You spent essentially no time on direct characterization, but instead you opted to inject incredible description into one small facet of your characters-to great effect. Not only did you use a time-tested writing technique, but you also took the focus away from the physical appearance of your characters-when I read this, I hardly pictured their faces at all, only microscoped shots of parts of their bodies: a finger, a pair of lips speaking, the top of a woman's breast. That really helped the story stay grounded, and helped slow it down until the end, which was good enough to get it's own paragraph.
I read your story the first time, impressed by the connection to the prompt in the first paragraph. However, I was only mildly stirred until the very end. You pretty much blew me out of my seat at that point. When I read this the second time, knowing what I knew... All I can say is wow. You put a great deal of thought into this piece, and it shows brilliantly.
Congratulations on the win-it was absolutely deserved.
| Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 7/17/2010
I love this piece; the mood/set up/characterization/voice structure- which was extremely stream of consciousness by the way was all executed wonderfully.
SUBJECT: The subject is pretty obvious, though you never specifically spell it out to the reader. What I got from it (and I’d image that all readers will take something different away from it) is that they [the lovers] had killed Brian, either by their act of love, or by the physical act of murder, it’s never really spelled out which, but I’m leaning more toward murder. I really liked how likeable the lovers were, yes, they committed a crime, and all the tattoo descriptions kind of made me invision biker gang stereotypes but I felt for them. The emotions/feelings that they have for each other help to explain the act that they committed if not condone it for them. And, I also liked how you left that open for the reader to interpret. It’s not a black and white issue.
ENJOYMENT: Overall very enjoyable. You don’t give a lot away to the reader; a lot of it is left up to be interpreted by us – the relationship between the woman and Brian/her daughter/her father/ with the lover himself. You give us just enough to show us the picture but we have to do the rest. And having said that, it wasn’t a complicated puzzle that we had to put together, which was very good on your part as a writer.
RHYTHUM: The beginning was very strong, but I have to say that the end was a little jumbled on its first reading. The style of the piece is a bit chaotic, but toward the end you start to repeat yourself over with the same ideas presented in the begriming, and although the stop/start motion worked in the beginning I think it bogged down the piece toward the end. I would have liked a bit more clarification on that front, and I actually think you could have written a bit more and it still would have worked out fine.
CHARACTERIZATION: Lastly, and I think this is the strongest aspect of the story itself, is the characterization. This is a character story, not an action/event driven story. The event is very cloudy, and the narration of back and forth mimics the action of the characters thought processes. The lovers aren’t named but as I said before I’m fascinated with their relationship, the need to brand themselves with their sins; the act itself of them being together. All very strong, yet subtly done. Masterful, if I do say so myself. Keep up the good work, and congrats on winning WCC.
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 7/8/2010
Wow, I really liked this. Loved how it tied to the prompt and all. It had such a neat vibe and idea to it. Really cool.
I like how you tell the story of these two lovers just by telling when, where, and why they got their tattoos. It's like a mystery, almost, until the end, and the story seems even cooler when you finally understand it.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| Your-Magpie chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
i really enjoyed both your style and the plot written. i also enjoyed the non-use of dialogue, almost as if their actions and the things that were not said were the things being said.
although i did find some of it misleading, and i wasn't fully sure of the plot.
overall, i love your style very much, and i wish you luck in this months story challenge!
| Nesasio chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
This story didn't end up where I expected it would but I still thought it worked out well in the end. :) It's interesting the way the characters get the tattoos to remind them of their sins but also sort of to flaunt them. They're practically revelling in their sins at the end...gotta love it. Good luck with the WCC!
| Lea Ai chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
Interesting concept, and definitely fitting the prompt. I was slightly confused though...was Brian the one committing adultery or was she? I kind of got the impression that it was either: Brian committed adultery with the other man's wife and she and the other man killed Brian and got together afterward, or she was committing adultery with the other man and the other man killed Brian to get him out of the way. Did I hit it with one of those two? Good luck in WCC!
| lianoid chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
No, shit, eh? I was going to write something along the lines of your title. Too weird.
...in that blue-black ink that no one use anymore,...
-Edit: Change “use” to “used”.
And it had not been fun, not at all.
-Personal: I find the use of the word “fun” in this sentence is a little too much repetition for my taste. Consider revising to read: “And it had not been at all” or something similar.
She had known it would, she had told him it was one of the major reasons she had chosen to do it there.
-Personal: I might change the comma to a period.
It was on the palm face of his right forefinger, the one who had pulled the trigger.
-Edit: Change “one who had” to “one that had”.
I’m really not enjoying the non-use of contractions. I think this reads a little too stiffly, and if you used contractions instead, it would loosen it up.
Not gonna lie, this one confused me a little. I think it was all the specific directions interchanging between the man and the woman. Left breast. First tattoo. Right whatever. Fourth tattoo. His first. Et cetera, et cetera. This is just personal preference, of course. Sometimes I find it difficult to absorb things when I’m overloaded with too many specific directions and what not.
Also, I found that this was a little too obscure for me. The maximum word count was two-thousand, so you definitely had room to add more details. I mean, I don’t need to know everything about their lives, but I just found the lack of details – regarding physical attributes, past motivations, back story, et cetera – further added to my confusion. It was difficult to absorb everything. I’m assuming from the title you wanted to focus primarily on the tattoos and the spots on their body, however I would have really appreciated some other details that could have helped pull and firmly root me into the story.
| Ghosts chapter 1 . 7/5/2010
"...that when he spent too much time of her brests..."
Shouldn't it be "to" and "off". Or maybe I don't understand. I am confuse.
Also, I like this, built up well, I needed to read over it again after I skimmed it the first time.
Note: Not exactly a "K" type of story, now, is it?
| Davvn chapter 1 . 7/4/2010
... well then. o.o
It's pretty good. I like how you never actually say anything outright but you build up all of the facts until we understand.
You should watch how much you repeat things, though. We understand that the tattoo is on her left breast, you don't have to say it again every other paragraph. (:
| vitriolicvermilion chapter 1 . 7/4/2010
The last line just pulls everything together and makes it all make sense.
| ThatSpookyMaidmentKid chapter 1 . 7/4/2010
Well, I liked it.
It's Short, it's simple and it's good.