|Reviews for Nightchildren|
| Open your eyes chopstick chapter 1 . 7/16/2010
That's my username. I didn't feel like loggin in. Okay, so here's how it goes: I read it and review as I go along, first pointing out mistakes. Then, I go to the good part and tell you what I liked, and WHY i liked it. Ready?
"Without volunteers like you the doctors wouldn't be able to treat the injured."-comma after "you"
"When the first plane had hit the first tower he had hurried immediately downtown."-comma before "he"
"As Joe had said, without him and the hundreds of other volunteers helping to get the injured to safety there was no telling how many would die."-comma before "there"
Oh my gosh...the whole dialogue between the priest and joe about faith was silly. It didn't move the story forward, and frankly, it's overused. That type of convo shows up in a lot of movies. I got bored.
"And unfortunately there will a great many that will need my aid as well."-sounds awkward
"Don't loose your head."-"lose"
"Everything he must be going through and he still doing everything he can to help other people."-"he's still"
"In fact, I married him and his wife in 1996"-need a period
"Executive secretary for her fathers' company."-"father's"
"To see him work you wouldn't think he would have such a burden on his mind at the moment."-comma after "Work"
okay, so here's my review on the chapter: slow and boring. Okay, so planes crashed and everyone is in a panic. I could see it, but I don't feel it. You should use more discriptions. For example, I could see that Steph was sad about his wife, but I need to feel his sadness and anger and complications. This was a lot of tell, not show. I couldn't get into it. And the end of the chapter did not rope me in.
I did like the first sentence of the story though. It lead to the next sentence very smoothly since it provided a question to the reader. "Why is he helping someon into a stretcher?" I really wanted to know, so i read on. that's good. Hooking your reader with the first sentence is good. I also like how you went straight into an action scene. There's emergancy in it. It's usually a good way to rope readers in. The characters seem complex. First chapter, so I can't really dwell into that much.
Anyways, good luck with this. I like your persistancy...you have a lot of chapters up.
If you ever feel like R&Ring my story, try "A Princess Summoning." I think it needs more reviews. haha. Or, if fantasy isn't your speed, "Finding Karma." Thanks.