|Reviews for Domain of Power|
| ShortcakeMattie chapter 4 . 6/28/2011
That's creepy... being able to dream about real events. It's sad that Barbarius was lost at sea. His disappearance still obviously affects his family. I liked how you included the firefly scene from the beginning. It was a nice flashback, or scene to recall. I will read more later!
| ShortcakeMattie chapter 3 . 6/28/2011
Yay. Troy is alive. But that celebration is short lived since he can't remember his family. Even though the chapter is from Troy's perspective, you still manage to capture the pain his family is going through since he can't remember them. Well done.
I'm going to guess that there's something between the slave girl and Troy which is why she's upset? I might be wrong though. On to the next chapter!
| ShortcakeMattie chapter 2 . 6/28/2011
Whoops. I was wrong about the first chapter. It's Troy, not Barbarius. Sorry about that.
"I am sorry father," he said softly.
Edit: "I am sorry, Father," he said softly.
"I never meant for this to happen to you Troy," he whispered softly over him.
Edit: "I never meant for this to happen to you, Troy," he whispered softly over him.
I can see why Apollus and Troy's father is mad at Appolus, but I can also see Apollus' side in wanting to go out with his friends.
This chapter is so sad. I hope Troy recovers, but by the sounds of it he's not going to make it.
| ShortcakeMattie chapter 1 . 6/28/2011
The children and innocence in the beginning really sets a calming effect, even if Barbarius is has to start acting as a king like his father wishes.
"Troy you want to race down the hill to the edge of the pasture grove," my friend Romeos said with a mischievous smile as we slowly rode our horses side by side.
Edit: "Troy, you want to race down the hill..."
Although we were opposites I had gotten closer to him than his twin brother Julius.
Edit: Although we were opposites, I had gotten closer to him than his twin brother, Julius.
I was riding Midnight my new horse across the dull browns and greens of the pastures that still lay damp from the cold rains.
Edit: I was riding Midnight, my new horse, across the dull browns...
"It is not safe boy," I whispered in his ear. "It is time to go back home."
Edit: "It is not safe, boy," I whispered in his ear.
Who is he? Is the character Barbarius talking to his horse?
The horse went berserk. He slashed the tail of the horse as he came charging at our house at an angle. I panicked as the horse was romping about in pain violently.
Edit: I would suggest making these sentences more clear about who you're talking about. In the first sentence you talk about the horse. In the second you suddenly switch the dark rider, but you just call him he which makes it confusing at first because the horse is also a he. If that makes sense?
As he ran to the gate I realized he would not open it in time.
Edit: As he ran to the gate, I realized he would not open it in time.
You handled the moods well in this peace. The beginning has this childhood innocence and calmness, even though Barbarius is about to start acting like a man. The scene between him and Romeos shows their close friendship and bond. At the end, you show the boy's fear and struggle to escape a dangerous enemy.
The ending was probably my favorite, despite the seriousness of the scene. The action kept me on the edge of my seat and your descriptions were well done. You have me hooked and I can't wait to read more!
| megger chapter 1 . 6/27/2011
"The brothers romped about in the field at twilight[,] catching the sparkling wonders known as fireflies."
"Troy[,] the youngest brother was merely ten at the time, with two years apart from Apollus[;] Barbarius being the oldest at about 14."
"Barbarius," his father called out to him. "Leave the fireflies alone for your brothers. You are too old to go chasing fireflies. You are going to leave your childishness behind you if you want to be king," his father said gruffly.- For this part, I think it's better to separate the piece into two paragraphs or remove the "his father said gruffly" part because it's kind of redundant.
"I wish I could take one," Apollus sighed. "Maybe I could borrow some of his." Troy looked at the bugs all crammed"- should be another paragraph because Troy is doing it, not Apollus.
"With his small hands[,] he cautiously opened the then[,] all at once[,] they all tried to fly away at once."
"He was overwhelmed as the sparks brushed against his face as if they were angry for holding them captive, as they buzzed past him and up into the sky above."- As the, as if, as they. Just use different transitions or it starts to lose some of it's meaning.
"One of the few things he was serious about was his goal to be admitted to the prestigious rhetoric school where all the wealthy Roman and Greek fathers sent their sons when they would become men at 16 to become "well-versed" men."- Run on sentence.
"However[,] I still answered to one person."
"Besides should not Apollus start coming back by now. "- This sounds awkward to me, unless it's a question then it's obviously missing a question mark.
"Before you knew it[,] we were both down the hill with neither one knowing what or who could await us there.-" Not quite sure why there's a hyphen at the end. Perhaps a typo?
"riding Midnight[,] my new horse[,] across the dull..."
"Faster, Faster, faster boy"- second faster shouldn't be capitalized.
"I shouted as he galloped towards the sunset where I took in the radiant orange and pink sky that peeked through the massive clouds from the western skies."- Run on sentence, but nice description.
"Okay Midnight[,] we have to head back home[;] it is late!"
"horse galloped faster[,] and faster, and faster"
"Slash"- this should really be it's own separate paragraph or in bold in order to have the same effect.
You miss a lot of commas and I noticed some run on sentences. Grammatical errors aside, I enjoyed it. I found it a bit jarring that it went from third person to first. The mini-prologue was cute. I suppose the whole fireflies thing has a reason that will be discussed later on.
It was a decent beginning, but it's your summary that will keep people reading.
| seredemia chapter 3 . 12/27/2010
Ooh, so Troy loses his memory... I wonder if its a temporary one, and how he'll regain his memories. It must be awful losing your memories... Must be very confusing not knowing who you are.
Things seem to be getting worse for Troy... I hope hes able to walk again. Being stuck in bed all day sucks.
Anyway, great chapter as always! I wonder how Troy will cope with all this..
| Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 12/26/2010
Your descriptions were great. I especially enjoyed the fireflies scene in the beginning. It was rather cute and affectionate. But, I felt like it moved way to fast. One minute, we're reading about the young brothers and fireflies. And then, in the next, Troy is attacked? Transition to that moment slowly, let us warm up to the characters and such. Besides that, good job!
| Mandyla chapter 2 . 9/12/2010
I'm not really sure how the two parts go together necessarilly unless that was Barbarius going out to sea? I don't know, could just be me. Anyway, the way Acropolus takes his frustration at the whole thing out on Apollus by criticizing him is interesting. Miletus's care for his grandson is very touching. I don't really have any suggestions, so I guess I'll just keep reading :)
| seredemia chapter 2 . 8/23/2010
I read this a while ago. I'm glad you changed the first chapter a bit. I must say that it looks better now. Good job on that! :D
...Is Troy... dead? He can't be dead! He's the main character!
Hmm. I can see that Apollus is the older brother... Am I the only one that notices that he might hate his brother a little bit...? It's like he tried to please his father, but Troy gets in his way..? I'm ot sure, but that's what I thought when I read about him.
I hope Troy will be able to walk when he wakes up...
| Agent.Frappuccino chapter 2 . 8/22/2010
Here from the Roadhouse
I feel really bad for Troy after the incident, but at least his family is there to support him. And I feel sympathetic for his brother because his grandfather is blaming him for the accident. Woah, we almost lost him there. Glad we got him back. Gah, is he going to be paralyzed? I would rather be paralyzed than dead though haha. From the summary you provided, I know he will wake up soon :). The question is when, and how it will affect his family.
Overall, I thought it was a nice chapter. I'm not entirely sure how the scene in the beginning with the ships would contribute to the story, but I am interested in finding out soon enough. Overall, decent chapter :)
Hope you like this review! Can't wait to hear from you soon
| Mandyla chapter 1 . 8/22/2010
I thought the opening with the fireflies was cute. Not sure if that was your intention, but I really liked it. I'm just not sure how it necessarily fits with the second part of the chapter.
Also, I like the way you stuck to not using contractions through the chapter. I'm sure it goes along with the idea of Troy coming from royalty, but it's nice nonetheless.
I definitely plan to keep reading.
| DarkHawk14 chapter 2 . 8/13/2010
A good read-through on this chapter would be helpful. There's nothing wrong with it, but some of the dialogue seems a little stiff, even for royalty. Also, when the scene changes from the boat to where Troy is, a divider of some sort would be helpful to let the reader know.
I'm looking forward to seeing what happens to Troy, and also to learn more about his brother and the king. :)
DarkHawk from the Roadhouse
| Agent.Frappuccino chapter 1 . 8/13/2010
Here from the Roadhouse!
I liked how you described the strong relationship the brothers had with one another. And the fireflies idea was a really sweet way for you to show their affection towards each other so that was pretty nice. I'm a little confused how things went back and forth between the middle, so that part you might want to fix up. Also, near the end, I thought it was unnecessary for him to command the horse's action simply by saying out loud where to turn. You don't think horses are trained that way, other than the reigns of course haha.
I like the semi-climactic scene in the end. However, though I thought it was a decent start to a chapter, to be honest it needs a little polishing. There are some run-on sentences and some sentences that could be rearranged to make it flow smoother.
Overall, I thought it was a decent chapter
Hope you enjoyed this review! Hope to hear from you soon!
| DarkHawk14 chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
Good start! Your grammar and punctuation are very good, as well as your spelling.
A few things I'd suggest are these. Try to check over your summary. When I read it, I thought it sounded like your story would be cliche. (I don't think your story is, though.) Also, toward the end of this chapter, you change from calling the horse 'Midnight' and simply use 'the horse' more often. This would be fine, except sometimes I wasn't sure if you were talking about Midnight or the other rider's horse.
Good job, I look forward to reading more. Keep it up!
DarkHawk14 via the Roadhouse
| seredemia chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
Well, I liked how this started out... until the main character remarked how he saw a hooded black cloak riding a black horse. I felt that it moved too fast. Too sudden. I like stories that take its time to us into the world, get us to warm up to the characters and stuff...
'The rider and his horse galloped faster and faster, and FASTER!'
- Two things that I'm not very fond of. Sentences with capital letters. And exclamation marks. To me, exclamation marks only belong is dialogue as they make me cringe when I see them elsewhere. I don't know why though, I think it's just me.
Although, I do wonder why that random cloaked dude kept attacking him... Maybe he was drunk and felt the need to harass innocent horse riders...
'And everything went black from there_'
- Why do you need the underscore at the end..? You could have just used a hyphen (-)... :P
I didn't like the change of perspective in the last part. You could have just ended the chapter where Troy fell over. It would add more of a cliffhanger to it. It's better if you dont change perspectives in a chapter...Unless you add some sort of break or something to keep them apart.
Aside from all that, this is interesting so far. Keep writing.