Reviews for Domain of Power
InkedSoul chapter 2 . 8/2/2010
Hmm...the beginning was pretty interesting, I wonder how that connects to the story?

The emotion that ran through the family was portayed well and was realistic. I agree with the father. His brother was off prancing while his brother lay on his death bed. Tsk tsk. When will they learn?

The storm seemed like a nice addition and really added to the situation. Something critical is about to happen so why not top it off with storm clouds to set the mood? Haha (:

I don't have much to comment on this chapter because everything was done perfectly. Description, dialogue, emotion etc..One thing I have to say is that you changed the point of view again. The main character is in a "deep sleep" so how would he know that his father and grandfather are talking, or anything else that is happening around him? Stick to third person, in this case it works better since you different things going on and it would be easier to inform the reader through 3rd person.

Great chapter. You have a talent and I admire it. Seriously keep writing (:

~Idareutoguess- RH
InkedSoul chapter 1 . 8/2/2010
Here from the Roadhouse (:

Okay. I guess this is what sets the plot into motion. "Troy" falling off the horse and all.

Here's a bit advice and constructive criticism(sorry if I'm a bit picky):

First off, some of the dialouge seemed a bit off. I think you could tweak it in a few places. I don't exactly know where or what time period the story is taking place but still the dialogue could use some improvement. It's only the first chapter though so you could've improved it in future chapters.

I don't know why you felt the need to captilize faster at certain places. If it's not necessary than I think you should leave it at normal text so it doesn't distract the reader while they are reading and suck them out of the story.

Another thing. At the end you suddenly changed the point of view to the slaves since "Tony" suddently blacked out. Some advice: stick to ONE point of view. If it's first person, then you can indicate that you are switching to a first person point of view of another character but don't suddenly switch from first person to third person. Since the main character blacked out, you can indicate the the rest of the chapter continues in the first person point of view of the slave or change the story to third person instead. But either way stick to one or it'll get confusing. That might've sounded confusing but I hope you get it.

Same thing goes for tense. Stick to one tense because in the beginning you switched between present and past but then the rest continued in past. Don't worry, this happened to me also but I'm saying this for future purposes.

Overall, I think the chapter was interesting and realistic. I don't know where it's going so far or who the main chracter is which really grabs my interest because I want to know. The way you portrayed the scene was uniquely done and your description was great. (That's something I need to improve in also xD) There's a few things you need to tweak but you've got the potential so keep writing (:

I'm curious...Onto the next chapter!

rougette chapter 1 . 7/7/2010
Good beginning! I'm interested to find out what happens next!
33 | « Prev Page 1 .. 3