|Reviews for The Traveling Tales of the Gypsy Sun|
| Riley Hunter chapter 6 . 7/21/2010
Hey sweetie! Just liked to comment on Gavin's last name...really? I mean I understand you love that series :)
Any way...let's try some constructive criticism! (Oh how I loathe this).
Well, you certainly use a LOT of commas. Which I understand that they all mean pauses in the sentence, but there is a LOT. Next, you seem to be going back in forth between having long sentence paragraphs and short sentence paragraphs. Mix them together a little bit?
Hmm...I guess you should make sure to not add too much information into one sentence or to repeat yourself with different words. It's okay to have a lot of sentences, you know :)
All in all, awesome plot. Can't wait to read more!
| MiseryLovedHer chapter 6 . 7/21/2010
aw poor sobrina...
| runtransatlantic chapter 5 . 7/19/2010
chapter fivee. sorry this was late, my fiance called, & i ended up chatting with him for almost seven hours... we are trying to work out what he wants to do when he comes to visit me during august & he's being a baby about going out. (he'd rather just stay locked in the house with me. -_- i want him to see stuff.)
giggle. she's in the middle of escaping, & she lands in a garbage can.
... oh my. "... use his belt against her firm bottom..." i took that more dirty than i did as a punishment, & GIGGLE.
"Right." He replied with a more serious tone." the period after 'right' should be a comma & 'he' shouldn't be capitalized. also, i think you could cut down on the wordiness here by going 'tone seroius' instead of 'with a more serious tone'.
"I'll need all the help I can get." He answered shortly, his frustration at the situation rising." the period after 'get' should be a comma & 'he' should not be capitalized.
i liked that first little scene - i though it was cute. you showed his frustration nicely. i think that you should have given a bit more setting detail, but otheriwse, is really cute! he's all thinking hot thoughts about punishing her & what not. giggle. if he can't control himself, you'll definitely have to bump the rating up to 'm'. (i just wrote my first smut scene, so hopefully i'll be able to beta one well!)
| runtransatlantic chapter 4 . 7/18/2010
chapter four time!
*is taking a break again*
"... especially when she was still tied by her wrists but last night had left him grouchy and frustrated beyond belief." here, you either need to break the sentence off at 'but', or you can add a comma before said word.
i find the second half of that paragraph awkward. perhaps talk about how he felt regret? or about his urges to touch her in the middle of the night? it would do more of a job to show us rather than telling us it was a mistake.
AW see, i love the next paragraph - i think that if you moved some regret to after it, it would show why he was regretting it.
ep. that's pretty hot. i'm thinking it might have to go up to 'm' in the future if your characters can't control themselves ;]
"... She retorted back at him, as she stepped gingerly through the heavy undergrowth." as 'she' is a tag in this instance, it isn't capitalized.
"... and causing him because she was his captive didn't mean..." causing him what? i think you missed a section of the sentence.
m those horses are so big. i remember them nicely. i think there was one who had hooves the size of my head.
i love her talking to the horse. really, it was such a cute touch. it's something that many people would do, and it's simple and shows a lot about her character - even in her situation, she's still able to find something in the animal, and it just... *gushes*
i've decided to nominate this story for a skow award for the international category - i'm not sure if it will be accepted, but it's worth a try! the look into the culture (even though much of it is imagined) gives something i just haven't seen, and it's worthy of the recognition. so this is me, notifying you, as when i was up for said awards, no one ever notified me. as soon as i know if it goes through, i'll email you.
aww, i love the horse's name! *reads* (if i'm quiet, i generally have nothing to pick at.)
"Here." he said..." the period should be a comma.
"I never wanted my first ride to be this horrible." she said..." the period should be a comma.
"And who is your lover?" He asked..." he should be lowercase.
e i love how she tells him the stable boy. too cute.
"Well, see here...the thing is..." you need a space after the ... and before 'the'.
"... due to his earlier reaction— any problems." delete the space before 'any'.
""What an attractive name." Sobrina scoffed once he had uttered it." the period should be a comma.
""The name isn't the only thing attractive about it." Lucian replied nonchalantly." the period should be a comma.
"Please tell me that we're going to stop in this town?" She inquired hopefully..." she is lowercased.
aww. the beggars. though, i'm really glad that you included them.
giggle. i love the exchange at the front desk. "I'm a virgin and I am not, and never will be, Lucian's whore." *giggles*
GO SOBRINA! she tries to escape? YAY. (but sad, because lucian sounds hot, and she's leaving him. again, i digress to being shallow. oppsies.)
loved this chapter. i can't wait to read the next, and i think you'll be hearing from me in a few hours.
| runtransatlantic chapter 3 . 7/17/2010
chapter three time!
i really wish you could have seen fp when it was young - like... four or so years ago. when i first started here, it was beautiful - everything was reviewed, and revied well. there are very few of us older members left actively reviewing and posting because of the plargiarism epidemic that happened just over a year ago. so many fabulous people got it. they took my best work, and now it's just sitting on my harddrive, rotting.
my point - you deserve more feedback. if you want more feedback, and it looks like you do from your author's notes, i say try and get out there and review youreslf to get your name around! that's how i built my first following.
*is taking a break from writing research paper*
"The rope was rubbing her skin raw, peeling off a layer of skin and..." here, you use 'skin' twice within just a few words. (i wouldn't change this now - it's just something to keep in mind for when you are writing in the future.)
"...were fine, and her arms were sore but nonetheless undamaged."
| A.V.B chapter 2 . 7/15/2010
It is secretly the stable boy, isn't it? :p
| A.V.B chapter 1 . 7/15/2010
Great start! I like the topic you are exploring, it is definitely original. Not many people write adventure stories in the 18th century that do not involve a pirate and a princess. It is a relief to read something different! I like the main character as a gypsy. I would love to discover more about her culture and personality. It seems to me that you did your research and with the helpful tips of one of your reviewers I believe you will continue this story with great accuracy and skill!
Great work so far!
| ByYourSide chapter 5 . 7/14/2010
Oh my gosh! Stable boy! I totally didn't expect him either! Ha ha, you keep twisting the story.
Good job with suspense-building, with the description, with making the slums and the streets come alive. I like some of your descriptions. I can see your story as it plays out, which is good and, like I said, I definitely did not expect the stable boy.
I can see this as a movie, actually. :) Just thought I'd let you know.
| ByYourSide chapter 4 . 7/14/2010
Wow, what a twist at the end! You're really good at leaving cliffhangers. I did not expect her to jump at all.
Lucien is kind of a pervert. I hope she remains pure; that'd be really good. :D It would help him become a gentleman.
Before, I pictured him as the ninja-like, silent type, but that's not him at all. I like that Sobrina and Lucien talked about the stable boy. And that Lucien has a brother. It helps flesh them into real people.
Did I mention, great cliffhanger?
| ByYourSide chapter 3 . 7/14/2010
At least she wouldn't die just yet.
"So the wench is awake now."
Sobrina moaned, muffled by the damp cotton in her mouth. She had thought too soon.
Haha, that little exchange was cute.
This chapter definitely developed character. Cloak man is the typical smart-alec bad guy, and Sobrina is the hotheaded girl. A cliche, but your story overall is very interesting, so the cliche helps move the romance forward. I look forward to seeing how each is unique, though, instead of the typical cliche.
I like the last line, about her running from the stable boy to the hooded man. It seems like she's conflicted. I wonder if the stable boy would rescue her, or if she's about to go on an adventure with Lucian...anything could happen, I suppose. They do have a long journey ahead.
| OrangeXAngel chapter 5 . 7/14/2010
We finally found out what Lucian looks like! :D Wonder what the stable boy's going to do...
| Arielle Nova chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
Aww this is really good actually! I plan on reading the rest of the story! :)
| ByYourSide chapter 2 . 7/14/2010
One quick typo:
"I must confess something to you sweetling. I have a problem." He said the last word hopeless, his voice laced with melancholy."
You need to delete the last set of quotes, since he's not speaking anymore. I like the world sweetling, though. Sounds very old fashioned and gypsie-ish.
I like that Demetrius isn't perfect. Unfortunately, he's not the nice guy he appeared.
This chapter was a lot more interesting and action-packed than the last one. I really like it. The mayor got killed. A murderer turns on her. Aurora has a baby. Demetrius is a drunk. The wedding gets postponed. A lot happens. Good job! :D Makes for an interesting read.
I like the stuff that's happening too. Slowly the story gets more exciting and more complex. I believe there will be more twists and turns up the road.
| ByYourSide chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
This is definitely an interesting concept. Gypsies in Romania in the 18th century? Like it. Plus she's betrothed. I didn't know gypsies had to be betrothed. It's very different and interesting.
*But being content was not enough for her. She needed passion.*
I like that. It develops her character as someone who won't settle, but NEEDS to have more.
There was a lot of exposition (as opposed to dialog and short, snappy descriptions) which made it harder to read, at least for me. That might be because I have a short attention span. It seems like you tell a lot about the past, which is important, but it keeps the story from moving forward as quickly as it could.
You know a lot about gypsies, which is great. That definitely makes a difference. All the detail you add helps bring it to life! Have you ever been to Romania? What made you set the story there?
I wonder where her good luck ritual came from, and if there is a story behind it. :) Oh, and at the beginning, I think it's funny the mother pours water on herself to prove she's not a Selkie. Love it.
| HappyChica23 chapter 5 . 7/14/2010
I love it! I was beginning to like Lucian and then that gorgeous stable boy showed up...whats gonna happen? keep up the good work!