|Reviews for The Girl Who Met the Dream Keeper|
| Nastasia Kayln chapter 1 . 4/19/2013
Okay first and foremost I love your detail! Especially in the beginning! I feel like I am in Boston on the rooftop. I really would like to see more of what you have of this story. I am curious about Haley and Dante...
The only thing I would say is that you have some errors with past and present tense word choices.
But overall you have my attention!
| J.Szewczuk chapter 1 . 9/27/2011
The premise of this story is very good. I really like the idea of the dream keeper protecting dreams. Very original.
You do have a lot of grammatical errors which make it difficult to read. I would suggest making the following changes (please note, I did not list all of them).
The street lights buzzed into the night, illuminated the sidewalk for everyone. - should be changed to: The street lights buzzed into the night, illuminating the sidewalk for everyone.
The after dark was view different by one guy. - should be: The after dark was viewed differently by one guy.
Right away, he indicated, "That's Master Zen." The superior thought he'd no respect for the elder. He cleared his throat and informed. "Listen, Dante another shadow has appeared in your designated area. It started very strong from the beginning stage. The coordination and name have been sent." He informed. - should be: Right away, he indicated, "That's Master Zen." The superior thought he'd no respect for the elder. He cleared his throat and informed, "Listen, Dante, another shadow has appeared in your designated area. It started very strong from the beginning stage. The coordination and name have been sent."
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 1 . 11/12/2010
Hey, thanks for the review you left me all that time ago. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you - this semester has been really stressful! Anyhow, this has the potential to become a really good story. Your descriptions and action are both so vivid, but there are way too many grammatical errors in here that I fear many readers may be put off. You should definitely get a beta reader or find someone to proof read this!
~ Sakina x
| Around.the.Rainbow chapter 1 . 10/15/2010
This is a very good first chapter. I like Dante's attitude towards his boss. I will say though in the beggining when Dante's on the phone with his boss, you use the word "guy" quite a lot. You could substitute with different words. Just a suggestion though. Can't wait to read more. This is very interesting. Keep writing. _
| Vernelley chapter 1 . 10/4/2010
I found it was mostly ok, except for a few past/present tense issues.
eg. 'It was a warm summer night, only a tiny breeze fills the air of Seattle, Washington.'
edits: if you mean to narrate in past tense, it should all be in past tense. Also, after 'night', you should either end the sentence or join it to the next part with a semicolon [;] (if you use the semicolon the next bit doesn't need to start with a capital letter.
- 'It was a warm summer night[. Only] a tiny breeze [filled] the air of Seattle, Washington.'
The tense issue probably stands out the most. Punctuation also needs a little work but you're already aware of that.
After Dante saves Haley and notices the shadow, it felt a little unnatural for him to be grumbling aloud what he says. If you really want to keep that part you could present it as part of his thoughts, eg. in italics.
A little more description would be nice. Not only physical description, but maybe how certain people, objects or events made the characters feel.
The story could use a bit of polishing, but you're off to a good start so far.