|Reviews for Underbelly|
| Piptik chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
I really loved how you dove straight into the story and set such a mood that was easy to get into. Another thing I appreciated was the fact that you didn't over emphasize the main character's hatred. Reading your work, I can tell that your really talented at things like this and you put a lot of effort into each piece of literature you create. This is a really nice piece, thought provoking too.
| S. M. Saves chapter 1 . 7/21/2010
Thank you for providing a glossary at the end. It came in handy when I took a second read-through of this piece.
"Throwing the garland around the false face, he leaned in for the last embrace.": That last line sent chills through me. The piece was building towards that moment with the descriptions of what the people had to suffer through while the politicians grew wealthy from it all. The feeling of desolation was best enhanced by the simple description of how the sun was harsh and the wind-blown dirt blinded the individuals who were there. That gave it an empty, desert feel reflected by the hunger and emptiness of the people.
It felt very real to someone like myself who's never been through that experience. It makes for a very humbling story.
I also like how you showed the readers the man's emotions. He wasn't some cold, emotionless assassin on a mission. He was a father, a husband, out to better the lives of the ones he loves.
I don't understand why the words "Fake" and "Fighting" were capitalized when they were in mid-sentence. Was it to provide emphasis? And the wording of "However it maybe, it mattered not." was confusing. Perhaps shorten it to "However, it mattered not."
Thank you for your review of my story.
S. M. Saves
| SketchSanchez chapter 1 . 7/12/2010
I found the opening to be very powerful and quite punchy. It's quick, to the point and sets a great tone for the rest of the story. I'm actually fond of short sentences that start off a story of any kind. Theres a superman story that starts out like "Doomed planet. Desperate scientists. Last Hope. Kindly couple. " and this reminds me of that.
Theres also this awkward sentence here: "the scratchy threads at his neck seemed to tighten their vice grip around his neck with every passing second." The repeating of neck twice in the same sentence gives it it's awkward nature. If you pointed out "neck" already, you dont have to say it again. It's obvious that it's on his neck.
However despite that i do enjoy your prose style and word play Overall it's very natural and I enjoyed reading this out loud (I do that from time to time, it helps for review purposes too). You're sentences are short and punchy and allowed the story to flow very well, I'm very interested to see where you go with this.
| C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
However it maybe, it mattered not.
-Edit: This sentence isn’t reading clearly to me. I think if you removed the “it” the sentence would make sense.
I really like how you capitalized “Fake.” It had a really good effect and I enjoyed the repetition.
He wanted to know why his pocket was empty when the greed officials stuffed wads of bundles down theirs.
-Edit: I believe “greed” should be “greedy”.
His son would now attend school and his wife will buy a new sari for the first time in two years, albeit a white one.
-Edit: Tense switch-up. Change “and his wife will buy” to “and his wife would buy”.
This was a very interesting piece, Pooja. I don’t understand the full gravity of the situation, but I respect you for writing about it. I thought you could have focused a little more on some inner thoughts that would have helped transition things more smoothly, though. The piece just felt a little rough. It might be in part due to the fact that I’m unable to comprehend everything, but I think this could be polished a bit more. I don’t think this is two thousand words, so you definitely had room to work more into it. Either way, this was an interesting piece; too bad you were unable to submit it. I hope that we’ll see you next month. :D
| Launo chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
The emotions were shown very well. I also love your writing style: simple but effective. I wish you wrote more to futher explain the whole situation.
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 7/9/2010
Very nice. I could feel the narrator's passion and emotions, and your word choice to that effect was simply brilliant. I can't say that I understand the complexities of the issue, but I did enjoy reading about this, and your author's note at the end was extremely helpful. I'm very glad you wrote this.