This is constructive criticism. I'll review the good and the bad, but not sure about the ugly :/

I do enjoy you portraying this plot. Your Grammar is just fine, I understand the hard work with writing on paper then typing it.

I do understand where the story is going. This was based off you and your friends and your life, however, there's so many characters or Oc's that I can't remember much of the names, if your asking why I find the characters loads of names without very much descriptive about them.

Unfortunately...

-The Characters-

Your characters are just names, your not really telling your characters about in profile, for example:

Tori.

What is it about Tori? What's her hair color? Eyes? How tall is she? What's her last name?

-

Tori... her name is Tori Maddison.

Eye color: Dazzling turquoise as you watched her carefully...

Hair color: Delicate chocolate brown hair that's flowing beneath her round shoulders.

Height: She seemed rather tall as me only a few inches shorter.

-

Not ALL the character's should have these kind of things, maybe their minor characters. Minor characters really don't have that much of a role.

Fiction should be like fanfiction except cut the 'Fan' out and with original story plot, characters, and everything that you've type. This is a script I've heard though I find this script.

With the story itself...

Your character's seems to talk a lot within the chapters then reading about them much in action, doing something other than talk [ect].

Within a few paragraphs it notifies me that you or someone is doing something else or taking action in something.

Novels or regular story type what draws in a reader by heart (including me).

It's your style, however, try to tweak the style and edit.

Revise.

Other wise all is good. :)

finnaly! :)

You need to learn that ever character can't be constantly talk and think that, that can carry a story. If you don't add action there is no way for the story to really move. And I hope that you keep writing to improve youself.

cute story :)

amazing. Zeke and Tawnie are perfect for each other, the dumbs. update soon!

Oh HI

I was going to read to read this story but then I noticed it have tons grammar errors in summary. If summary have grammar error then whole story have grammar errors. I only like read proper English.

Oh BYE

Omg...like every other time she's talking to one of her friends about something that happened she's basically just repeating what he just read in a previous chapter! ahh, omg i wanna see where you're going with this story. i might just skip to the end haha shh dont tell my reading teacehr

AHH im sad. Lol I love the way the plot is going, but your adding way to many unnescary details such as "i got up to get the brownies" like thats really not that important and you elaborated on that.

I know you said sorry for the fragments. But you could still add more descriptions throughout the writing is very choppy and I see where you're trying to be humorous but its just not working. I like the plot though but not the style. I'm gonna keep on reading though :)

Omg I love ur story and keep on going I can't wait for ur next chptr buh I my heart stopped ( not litterly buh u get it ) in the end

i mean no offense, but the chappies are all the smae, pretty much. add some excitement to keep readers reading

good luck :)

What? Why is she running? He totally just gah! I don't know what I'm tryig to say!

haha, i love there mini fights! update soon!

Actually the only problem I see is the pacing. I've noticed that the chapters are pretty short. You have reached chapter 11 already but there's not much progress story wise. You can edit and merge them to make fewer chapters.

The story is quite good actually, the characters' personality needs polishing but are good as well nonetheless.

You could also add more details to the summary

I wish you luck on your story :D

This story has some potential, but I guess that will be seen in the following chapters. Good luck writing!