Reviews for sketches
improv chapter 1 . 7/13/2010
“Prometheus & His Liver” actually sounds like a very intelligent title – not showy or anything, which I suppose just “Prometheus” would sound like. Keep the title, if you can.

Completely love: “In the soft glow of cell phones and the fury of headlights” as “fury” totally made me think of “furies”.

I’m not very fond of “It was dark, and it had been a dark day.” The last part just doesn’t work as well as it should. I’d advise taking out the “and” and perhaps making them two separate sentences (It was dark. It had been a dark day.) or perhaps rephrasing the second bit to something like “it had been dark all day”.

“He felt it's light, stuck uncomfortably onto his skin, like pitch.” is such a lovely line.

I would change your word choice of “barren”, in “He stood in his driveway until the entire sky was barren of clouds”. It’s just generally used to describe ground/trees/lack-of-fruit, and though opposites can be used to a great advantage it does stick out a bit. That’s just my opinion but I think you could find a better word instead of “barren” – you seem to have a good vocabulary, so I doubt it would be hard. But I’m being picky here.

Good to mention the sun like an empty sky socket. It ties your section together.

“remembering that unsettling moment in the morning when he didn't see the sun. When he left the school at the end of the day,” I think you should perhaps change your double-use of “when”. I know they’re different paragraphs, but it stops the flow a bit and seems too simple.

“staring at his shoes make their way” – “make” just sounds a bit off. I’ve been reading that sentence out loud but I can’t get it. Might just be me, but “making” might be better here.

Love “weed-snaked”. Nice imagery there. And you’ve got some good alliteration following that. And I really like your section beginning with “look at the moon”. Can’t find anything to mention except that it’s gold and don’t change any part of that section. Please.

The next section works with “He’d decided to stop looking up”. Wherever you use this part in your story, I would suggest keeping that little paragraph as an ending of some sort.

I’m not too sure what to make of your next sketch with Sophie about to start a story. It’s very well written, that’s all I think I can say, without knowing the next part to it.

“Looking at the pavement, he thought she saw” – is that “she” meant to be “he”?

“shadows of clouds racing through the sky like something spewed from a smokestack.” is so good. Keep this. Keep this. Keep this.

And I’ll admit, “"Oh! Speaking of pulling out. . ."” did make me giggle slightly. And there’s a solid ending there: “Blaine rolled down his sleeve and started to listen, watching a few people get up and leave.” It’s simple, but very good.

It’s been a while since I’ve done such a long comment. I hope this helped, even if just a little bit, and I hope it made a bit of sense. I also hope that fictionpress hasn’t been a bitch and turned this comment into one huge paragraph when you get this review, as it has done before.

Keep writing.