|Reviews for Eclips Child: Savior of the Shadows|
| Flying Werecats chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
Aw, poor Allisy! Losing her family and everything, but at least she wouldn't remember that far back! )
| Light The Match chapter 1 . 7/11/2010
It's a little too short to be a chapter, don't you think? I'd say a fair amount for a short first chapter would be around 500-700 words.
"My short brown hair blew in the night breeze, offering no comfort for my despair." Odd sentence. Which is offering no comfort? The hair or the night breeze?
The phrase, "showing a watery blue against my warm chocolate brown eyes" seemed unnecessary and halted the flow of the story. If you intended this to add more words then I can suggest a few other options to extend this chapter.
One, you can describe the immediate action before we find our narrator leaning softly against a sturdy ruin. Like the scene from a battle, or the chaos that the narrator had just seen.
Two, you can describe the setting in detail. For example, elaborate on the shape of the ruin. "The stone walls of the old Drakoyan castle now stood crumbling in the aftermath of the fearsome war. It had taken the brunt of the fire..." etc, etc.
Finally, you can use flashbacks to explain what had happened in more detail than the first option and it would certainly be able to evoke more questions from the readers.
Several grammatical errors I could point out :
%"Her power was far to great" - "Her power was far too great"
%"Dimly I heard", "Dimly, I heard" Also, I think either this one, or the following sentence should be rephrased as both starts with an adverb. Maybe it could be - "..of the night. I moved swiftly.."
%"Moving away a loose heavy rock I saw a small infant girl crying" - "Moving away a loose, heavy rock, I saw a small infant girl crying"
You seem to have some trouble with separating clauses and you forget some necessary commas. I can't comment on plot or anything like that just yet but if you write more chapters than I will.
Keep on writing,