|Reviews for Pop!|
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/10/2012
HOW"S THEM? Y YOU DON'T TELL US! You need an antecedant for the pronoun or it DOESN'T COUNT.
| HURR chapter 2 . 7/10/2012
| Guest chapter 1 . 7/10/2012
I'M CONFUSED. WHY IS THERE BRANCES AND WHERE IS THE TREE COMING FROM! AND WHY IS THE WATERFALLING ALL WHITE AND SHIT. IT MAKE NO SENSE! AND DERE'S A HAND IN THE CORNER! AND A TREE! AND ROCKS! AND WATER! AND LAND AND AIR AND MCROBACTERIA AND WAHRT IS IT DOING AND WHY IS THERE LIGHT AND WHY IS THE SKY BLUE INSTEAD OF THE COLOR OF poop LIKE EVERYBODY KNOWS IT ISS. AND WHERE IS THE GREEN! WHY THERE NO GREEN!
AND THIS ISN'T EVEN A STORY TAKE IT DOWN SHORTIE.
SO WHY DOESN'T THE COVER PAGE MATCH AND STUFFS.
| Dr. Self Destruct chapter 2 . 10/13/2011
Ah, this is so deliciously evil and demented, I really loved it. All the way from the frustrated, devious narrator (which I thought was awesome how she spoke to herself all angry like, and the fact that she's a woman), to the gross, overly described brain-fluids flying all over the place. Does it make me disturbed if I was laughing while picturing those people slipping in the blood? Because I was. This really hits my sense of humor on the head, and although I was cringing and wanted to skip past those bloody parts (especially when the girl pulls her friend's brain matter off her arm), I just couldn't. It was like a train wreck - but in a good way.
From the way people would stare at her after Nadia would curse to herself in her head, I almost thought they could hear her, haha. And since she can make their heads pop, I'm not pondering the possibility that she is capable of telepathy and some of them really did hear her. She kinda makes me think of Carrie, but instead of setting people on fire, she gives them a bad case of head-explody.
I really liked how you incorporated the Pop! into the story. And the way Nadia thinks about it, like it's a game of some sort, it's delicious. She reminds me of a little kid with a magnifying glass trying to burn some ants. And the fact that she collects all those eyeballs - yeah, there's definitely something wrong with her. It's some great to read something from the perspective of such a fucked up person. xD
I'm excited to see how she pops (no pun intended) up in the future chapters. Small stories put together to make larger stories always fascinate me with how they're woven together. :3
Think I definitely got my dosage of gore for today. :D
| Lara Bykirk chapter 2 . 10/13/2011
Creepy. In general, I think you did a really good job of putting us inside Nadia's crazed mind, even without first-person narration. Even the parts that aren't directly her thoughts are from her angle. I think, however, that you could do more to ramp up her craziness even before she starts popping people. The key to her character is that she very quickly swings back and forth from rage to laughter-the paragraph where she's looking at the people picking out cards is a good case in point. But can we get a little more of that earlier on? Usually I'm all for brevity, but I think for horror it's worth it to give a good long buildup to the climax.
I also think that you could give us a few more glimpses of the world as it is not seen from Nadia's point of view. Right now, she seems almost justified for what she does-all the people around here do seem stupid and cruel. The first people we see are a driver with road rage and a mother who doesn't care that her child just got hurt. Even the woman who dies-and who was just about to be engaged!-seems slightly dopey. WIthout moving out of Nadia's hate-filled point of view, can you give your readers more clues that the world isn't really like what she thinks it is? That will make her violence even more horrific, when it does break out.
| Deedee Elle chapter 3 . 10/6/2011
Sorry, managed to wipe half the other review and FP won't let me review a chapter twice so this is for 2 and 3.
I found the introduction of the swearing quite jarring after the first couple of paragraphs, though reading on it seemed to fit in well with the character and as a way of seeing her feelings about what she was seeing it was an effective commentary and it grew on me. You use 'she' a lot at first, even interspersed with her name, maybe change a few of those around or try alternatives such as 'the girl' to vary it.
I think you need to somehow signal the introduction of the head exploding more clearly as it almost got lost and it is in fact a really momentous incident. It wasn't immediately clear who the 'her' was whose head exploded.
I like the capitalisation of Pop in the last paragraph signifying the importance and the fact that Nadia recognises that too.
Chapter 3- the opening paragraphs seem very much told rather than shown and I didn't feel as connected to this character as much. Your use of 'they' worked better here as it added to that element of suspense of not knowing what you were referring to and the way you hinted at what they were. I love your description of the eyes, very vivid
A couple of things- landlord is one word and it is a reverie not a revere he pulls himself from.
| Deedee Elle chapter 2 . 10/6/2011
I found the sudden introduction of the swearing quite jarring after the relatively calm opening.
| StoryMonster chapter 2 . 3/30/2011
The first paragraph didn't flow all that well as the word 'She' became rather redundant. Also, they were too big - the paragraphs, I mean. Big paragraphs are hard to read, and smaller paragraphs make it flow easier too.
Nadia's POV was interesting and well written. The descriptions were graphic and effective and they depicted a lot. The overall idea is pretty good too.
PS. Could you please return this review via Yours Truly, an Indian Pessimist?
| Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 2 . 3/29/2011
I thought that the sentences in the first few paragraphs were a little choppy - there was too much repetition of 'She' for the start of a sentence that it disrupted the flow of your writing. With the thought monologues, it might be best if you read them out aloud as although some of them flow well, others are a bit of a mouthful to get through, even in thought!
However, I definitely enjoyed Nadia's point of view (she's a nasty piece of work isn't she?), and I liked the bits where she kept on getting weird looks as I thought that perhaps her thoughts had become visible in some way. So it was definitely a great (and unexpected) twist for you to have her exploding people! The descriptions were very graphic and very effective (and a little uncomfortable to read but I guess that's the point) - I'm also guessing you really enjoyed writing them. I was expecting her to get her comeuppance at the end, or for her to experience some sort of consequence for her actions, so it's very creepy in the story to know that a monster like her has been unleashed upon the world!
~ Sakina x
| lianoid chapter 2 . 11/28/2010
I’m not a fan of the gigantic paragraphs in this. I find it makes it a bit tiresome to read because I have to dedicate myself to large blocks of text at a time. I think if you broke them up it would be visually more pleasing as well as improve the reading. Personally, with FP, I try not to have more than four lines in each paragraph. But that’s merely personal preference. :)
I would begin new paragraphs with the following lines:
1) Nadia wondered if there was a possibility that the rain...
2) She abruptly stopped laughing when she saw the looks she was getting, and glared at the people.
3) I think once I enjoyed grocery shopping.
4) Fucking dumb ass saps all of ya.
5) "I feel so sorry for anyone who doesn't have any one to share tomorrow with. It is just so sad! And think how many people despise the holiday just because their own love life sucks."
6) She stared at the offending woman as she thought this. OR In her mind she imagined one of the women laughing as she was now.
7) Some of them stared at the body, and some just stood stock still as if they moved they might pop too.
8) But the body was still on the ground.
9) Several people were still staring at her, and some were looking around scared and frightened.
10) Stop staring at me! She screamed in her mind.
11) Wanna pop too? She asked him. (Dialogue and inner thoughts italicized should always get their own line).
12) Did I really do that?
I mean honestly what is the fucking point?
-Personal: I really don’t like mixed punctuation like that. I’ve seen it in published pieces, but it has to be used carefully, I feel. In this case, if you wanted to do it, I would only do “?” because I think doubling that is a bit much.
"How romantic! On Valentine's Day, you are so lucky!" Her friend replied.
-Edit: I believe “Her” should be “her”.
Her friend promptly replied.
-Edit: Same thing here.
She looked stricken, but quick checked her out.
-Edit: I believe you want “quick” to be “quickly”.
"Are you the last one?" The cashier asked.
-Edit: Change “The” to “the”.
"No reason." She swiftly responded.
-Edit: Change the period within the dialogue to a comma and change “She” to “she”.
"Have a good Valentine's Day." The woman said.
-Edit: Same thing here; period to comma and change “The” to “the”.
Wowza. I really wasn’t expecting all that grossness. Ha-ha. I enjoyed your descriptions, regardless of how gross they were, because you didn’t go overboard with them. You described the gore colourfully enough for me to visualize everything without wanting to toss my cookies. Interesting piece, for sure.
Review courtesy of The Review Game’s Review Marathon. For more info, visit the link on my profile.