Hi,

I saw your post on the SKOW listserv and thought I would take a look. I was in a blah mood but your story really cheered me up :)

I really enjoyed the structure of this piece, the short scenes and the alternating point-of-views really help pace the story. You lose me a bit in sections 6-9, in terms of timing and characterization. I think part of it is because section 5 hits on something interesting-the guy's worries about losing his scholarship and failing out-and I was waiting for it to be developed further. You bring it to a close in section 10, but it's such a huge motivator for the character that I would've liked to read more about it.

I had two hang-ups with the characterization. The first is regarding the guy's status as a 'player.' Seeing how sweet he was with her, I just couldn't picture it. Conversely, if he was a player, I can't imagine him being as sweet as he was unless it was a front. I don't know. I guess I'm just cynical about the reforming powers of love. Plus, I would be really mad if my boyfriend forgot food. Secondly, I think the girl's story gets lost in the shuffle. You mention her conservative parents, her wildly different upbringing. I wanted to read more about how that was challenging for her and their relationship.

My favorite tidbit had to be the part about returning to disneyland for two days straight. It was a short scene but it really showed his dedication and sentimentality.

Overall, this was a cute read. Two interesting characters and a creative setup.

I LOVE IT!

Oh my God...this was probably the cutest thing I have ever read or laid eyes on!

It ran so smoothly and just went together perfectly; none of it seemed forced.

There were a few grammatical errors, but like, who doesn't make them? Even stories with the best beta's still have grammar mistakes.

I seriously seriously loved this, so keep it up _

that was really cute. the characters just fit together perfectly. i really liked how you wrote it. the style was very interesting.

its so incredibly cute. I loved it. It's great.

your style of writing is smooth and enjoyable. the story flows wonderfully, and the idea itself... I enjoyed reading it so much.

keep writing amazing stuff, just like this.

-Essie Bessie

That was so adorable! The entire time I was saying, "Aw" to myself!

I noticed a few typos, but whatever. I love this story!

Oh, this is super cute. I liked the way you kept it moving with the short one-shots. It was a neat tactic that I've seen before, but others didn't pull it off as well. Nice work!

Hey, I got the SKOW email awhile ago and thought It was about time I read your story. And Boy am I glad I did,this story is adorably romantic. I love the tiny crazy gestures, it reminds me of me and my friends and ultimately what I consider real people. I know more people who act in similar ways to this, that what I do that acted in any sterotypical romantic ways. I think I'm slightly proud of some of their creativity.

Anyways, this story is really good, and since you posted it on here and advertised on SKOW, I thought I might give you a bit more feedback then that. Firstly, I'm being really picky, but its some of the more easier stuff, and thus the msotly overlooked stuff, but I noticed when I read this a few grammatical and punctual errors. In a couple of places its just a missing full stop on what clearly is the end of a sentence (see what I mean, I'm being extra picky and its nothing against you, I just know I like this sort of stuff to be pointed out - once I changed a MC's name unconosciouly within the first couple of paras and noone told me about. I sent the story off to about twenty friends to read before I handed it up to be assessed as my final semesters portfolio and no one thought to tell me. They all thought I'd noticed, and I really had no idea I'd done it). The first one I noticed missing was in part 6 after the 'do you.' I think another was in part 11 after in a row because of it. Second thing i picked up on was in a few sentences you seem to have missed out a word or two, this could be because of I'm from a different country, but I don't think it was. "I think I heard you my name when I lost my balance." Pretty sure call was supped to be in there. And here, "I didn't like I needed to impress you" I think theres supposed to be a feel. See once again I'm being picky.

You need to be commended on your style and the form of this piece. I admite when you mentioned in the SKOW post about what the story was about, the title and the word length i was abit worried. One-shots as a rule don't have a word restriction other than being able to be read in one sitting. For some thats only a few thousand words, because that whats the story dictates all on its own, but for some stories like this one, 60 or hell even ten thousand is perfectly accepteable and even preferred. This story doesn't seem forced or even drawn out. it flows extremely well and simply put, works. I love the 25 steps/momments of how they got to their wedding day, and i loved the double narration. The Him/her thing was a reall nice touche. Your characterisation was fantastic. I not only really got a feel for the characteds themselves, but I was feeling everything they were.

Great job again!

That was lovely.

This is such an adorable one-shot. I love how the point of view went back and forth between Bernadette and Troy. It was a very creative and unique way of storytelling. I loved it!

i thought that was sappy and amazing :) i loved the "Get Well NOW" part for a style of writing that I'm not very familiar with I felt that it was well-written. good job!

aw! That was so cute! loved it! It was an unique idea, too.

Absolutely gorgeous! Good job on creating an organic, developping relationship and taking us along for the ride. I got a quick grasp of who Bernadette was and instantly took a liking to her. I love that you took two characters living in different worlds and brought them together the way you did. This was a real blast to read, keep it up. _

Fido

Oh my God! That is so amazing! I love it :)

Great story. I love the formatting of the steps :) Maybe you could read my story, Ishiki. I'd love to hear your opinion on it :)