|Reviews for Sola phase 1|
| CheriLina chapter 3 . 9/11/2010
Ooh~ Poisoned by the sun? This sounds really interesting..
| Patchwork chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
I think the first part was actually pretty good. The first nine lines are fine as they are. You don't need several bits of detail in the first nine lines - I see that as a "mysterious" opening to a good story.
A little more detail could've been added to the rest of it though. If there's two girls, at least give a hair color to each of them so we know, "Okay, the focus has changed to another girl." Try detailing other things a bit more also. What do all of the characters' surroundings look like? Okay, the characters are in a classroom but what does the classroom *look* like? The characters aren't the only things that need to be described.
Your grammar still needs work. Almost every sentence is a run-on. You could break them into about three or four other sentences. You have a few spelling errors but so far I haven't seen anything too drastic in that area. You should spell out your numbers, too. Instead of using, "2", spell it out. I suggest you getting a Beta reader to at least improve the run-ons because right now, that's your biggest problem.
It's okay to use "~" at the end of someone's dialog - it adds a sing-song tone to whatever the person had said. I do think you're overusing the "#*#*#*#" line breakers. Line breakers are only really needed when the scene has changed completely, or there's a time lap. Other than that, there's no problem using those because you're signaling a time lapse. If you didn't use them for that, it would be confusing for readers. (For instance, I use, ". . ." for line breakers.)
Always paragraph different characters' dialog. As well as paragraphs.
Like this. 8D There needs to be space between each paragraph.
Hm... I think that covers the criticism part of my review. So far I really like this story. It's funny and interesting. I think it'll be really good.
POKEMON STADIUM. Yes. 8D
| Tomatehispipe chapter 1 . 7/14/2010
I see the new style that you are adapting to, and yet you still kept some of the ones you had before.
At the beginning was a little confusing with the he and she part. Since there was two shes'? It would be better if you had described the 'shes' appearance.
Like, 'she, with the black hair.' So we would know the difference between the two, yes? (This because the readers dont know the characters yet, so they wouldn't know which character would be rich)
Grammar (Grandma xD yearfivecoughcough) could improve a bit more. Try not to use ~ and *~*~*~* things. You can break two lines if you want to try and skip things.
Netherless, you are the only write that would make me burst out in laughter reading the stories. You have great potential in writing, be glad that I have bothered to write this much of a review (and CONSTRUCTIVE critism.) Because you are a writer that I think could turn out amazing.
Looking forward to the next update.