[Opening]

The adverb in the very first sentence is pretty useless. People don't notch an arrow unexpertly, it's a difficult thing to do, which already requires competence in itself.

I liked the way you described the killing of the prey. It pulled me directly in the story. No lengthful description of the scenery or anything which would bother the reader & slow down the pace.

I'm also not that fond of the 'thee' use, but that's just me being picky here :)

[Writing]

I think that you put a little too much adjectives in your more descriptive scenes. 'Intended target' seems repetitive for example(if the boar's his target, obviously it's intended, isn't it?), 'soft grunt', etc... Most of the adjectives could be removed without hindering the quality of your writing.

There's also a sentence I must mention:

'Joseph automatically shut his eyes, as if voluntarily blinding himself would remove the scene of horror that had momentarily invaded his senses.'

Three adverbs in only one sentence! I tend to overuse adverbs myself, so I know how easily they sneak into a sentence. I use a repetition detector to try to remove some of them, maybe that would help you too?

[Scene]

I've gone hunting with friends once or twice, and if I know a thing about boars, it's that there's nothing soft about their pain! They tend to become violent and dangerous when injured. You generally go boar hunting with hounds, especially in such a setting where guns don't exist. If hunting alone, Joseph wouldn't have to go to the boar; most likely it would charge at him & try to kill him.

Also, to kill one you plunge the knife into his heart (which often involves getting part of your arm IN the boar's chest, which is rather gory). At least that's how my friend did it the only time I saw him kill a boar...

[Characters]

Joseph was an interesting character. He seems very religious for a boy who's in his early teens, which perhaps owes to his education.

I was annoyed by Jalafiel, though. He's too clichéd, in my opinion, and I think he possesses some traits of the Evil Overlord (reveling in his bad actions, for one, and the tendency to indulge in grand speeches, thus providing the hero an occasion to flee).

I also think that you should show more of Jacob & his relationship with Joseph. As it is, his death was of almost no interest to me, and my reaction was only 'oh, he saved Joseph'.

Your ability to describe the murder scene really shone through. We know it's horrific because Joseph's first instinct is to kneel and pray. We know it was well orchestrated because the bodies are still bleeding out, meaning Jalafiel timed it well. Your prose really came together in that part of the scene.

The prose in the rest of your chapter seems to lapse into telling rather than showing territory. To grab a specific example, when Joseph is thrown out of a window, "It seemed as if time itself slowed." Instead of telling us time slowed down, try something like "Joseph felt he could count the shards of glass as he fell". Same message, better effect. The one section where I felt this was particularly evident was describing Joseph and Jacob to be like brothers. Sure, they address each other as "brother", but I felt like they needed more familiarity. Maybe Jacob tousles Joseph's hair after a good kill. Maybe Joseph can catch the apple without looking because Jacob throws it exactly the same every time. To be honest, when Jacob came to the rescue, I was thinking "Welp, Jacob's a goner. Time to move on."

My only other gripe is that Jalafiel seems way too familiar as a villain. He did it for the power, okay. He reveals his plan right before killing the hero, slowly tortures the hero, and is foiled right before the good part. Where have I heard this before? Jalafiel just isn't believable because nobody wants power in and of itself, people want power to get something done. What does Jalafiel want to do? And those characters who do whatever they have to just for the power, they're absolutely crazy. If the antagonist is going to be one of these, you have to make sure he is *absolutely* crazy. But don't take this last part too harshly, since the story is still early in writing, I assume there's a lot of space for the antagonist to develop.

You can discard what I said in the last review about when the story was taking place – I see a date now, my apologies.

OPENING: This is something that doesn’t distract from your story as far as I’m concerned but it’s a bit of a pet peeve of mine when I‘m reading stories. A lot of times authors will start off with a narrational voice over style opening, and it isn’t symbiotic with the rest of the pieces narration, and doesn’t mirror or match up with the rest of the piece. Setting the scene I a difficult thing to do, especially in the beginning, but what I always fine easiest is if you let the scene unfold by itself, rather than giving everything away in the first three sentences in an awkward third person perspective, tell the reader as it happens, so we can see it happen with the characters.

NARRATION: This kind of goes with what I mentioned before in the last review but some of the narration in this piece really breaks the flow in regards to the time period, namely when Simon says: “Alright, people, time to eat” in regards to the animals. That slang/saying seems too modern to be in a story of this time period, and it through me off. With the last chapter I praised the dialogue because it worked so well with the interaction between the characters, but here it seems a bit muddled.

CHARACTERIZATION: I both like and dislike Simon, but first let me start with Jalafiel: This character is a strong character. Evil doers are always easier to write then good guys, because they are by nature less three dimensional. I think you did a good job at showing how ominous and dark he really is, and also how scheming and conniving he probably will become with the use of foreshadowing. Simon, on the other hand is your good guy, and I can tell that he will play a pretty pivotal part in the story to come. Having said that though, he is very one dimensional. I have a hard time believing and getting into his character because he is so ultimately good- he has no depth to him apart from a strong need to break into daydreams, and since you’ve already established that as a personality trait I would maybe play up that with a keen sense of calculating figures in his head, or having a photographic memory, some personality quirk that will make him stand out from the rest.

PLOT: I’m sensing rebellion is to come on the part of Simon, and Jal plans on world domination… Am I right? I really like your story so far, I think you have a lot of room here to explore not only the story itself but also the world and the characters. The only plot issue that I’m encountering is simply that you haven’t given us a clear Act II yet – by that I mean the situation that will ultimately change the characters life and move the story from that point onward to the end. I look forward to reading what you’ll be coming up with. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.

Your setting is a bit obscure to him, I think right off that bat that was the first thing that jarred me from really getting into the story itself. From the style/titles of nobility and feudalistic attitude that the characters tend to take I would place this in the medieval, if not medieval/fantasy category, but having said that you used things like: “Concrete steps” which at least under the word ‘concrete’ wouldn’t be around at that time, being that ‘concrete’ is a modern word, if it is medieval fantasy, I would probably change that word choice to STONE or WOOD or even COBBLED maybe. The word choice kind of disjointed me from the story as a whole.

What I really liked here, and what I think is probably the strongest aspect of the story so far is the dialogue. I can tell you’re not the type of writer to bog the reader down with lots of detail and flowery nuances, and a lot of writers have a hard time with dialogue but here it really worked to your advantage. It flowed smoothly and there was a different voice for all of the characters involved and motivation was shown very clearly. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.

Yay, Fictionpress is finally letting me see this story! D

So far this definitely seems like it could be very promising; it's a unique subject that I haven't seen often, but indeed one that I can see happening during any point in history. Trust is always a powerful weapon to use against an enemy-especially one that does not expect it. I enjoyed your description of how a smart councilor was worse than a dumb one because of that very reason. It truly makes sense.

I like how, in the beginning, the character comments on what the narrator is saying-it made me almost feel like Ralph knew is there watching from up above. The description of the garden was also lovely, and I'm glad you took so much time to explain every last detail, because it is obviously an important part of the story.

Overall I think you have an interesting piece going on here, I will be sure to continue reading to see where this goes.

I really enjoyed this chapter. Your writing is picturesque and nearly flawless-only a couple of small errors, such as putting "it's" instead of "its" and "Griffins" instead of "Griffin's-and Simon was a very believable sheepherder/character in general.

The worldbuilding was also really great! The very first sentence set the scene exquisitely. Nice job.

On a less positive note, the plot moved rather slowly for my taste. I'm a fan of action and excitement, and while there was the wolf-fight and the tax collector chase, there were also long sections where not a whole lot happened. I know though that this is merely my taste as a reader, and many other readers would not have any problem with it.

In conclusion-great job! I can tell you really got into the writing of this story.

This seems really interesting so far..the plots look interesting and you're really developing the characters well. You also have a very nice writing style...keep going at this it's really good, i'm not usually into politcal stories really, but I did like this one :) Great job!

“With a sharp mind and loyalty to the noblemen and women, an advisor or councilor could lead the family's lands to prosperity and encourage trading and economy.”

This sentence was a little confusing due to its structure. I would try something like this:

“An advisor or councilor who possessed loyalty and a sharp mind could encourage trading, economy, and lead a family’s lands to prosperity.”

Sentence structure is something I think you could work on. Here’s another example:

“The position a smart councilor inhabited was for certain a seat of power.”

I think it would make more sense to write it something like this:

“A smart councilor certainly inhabited a seat of power.”

I think that if you go through and revise a little bit, your chapter will be much easier to read.

I thought it was funny when Ralph asked Jalafiel what his name meant and he responded that he didn’t know. A lot of writer’s would give it some meaning of grandeur or something. I also liked how you made Jalafiel only slight suspicious until the end of the chapter. I hope I was of some help, happy writing!