|Reviews for Fourteen Down|
| Chevalier Tialys chapter 1 . 5/3/2011
Wow, what a beautiful little story! I really loved this, it reminded me a little of a conversation between myself and my best friend (on a smaller scale of course, seeing as neither of us are rich and famous), and the emotions were so...real. I really felt what both characters were feeling, not just Caroline's, and I even felt a little warm inside when they finally hugged at the end :)
A brilliant job, thanks for this!
| 8U88LY chapter 1 . 3/9/2011
I really liked it. Too bad it's only a one shot... Maybe you could bend the rules for just this onne storry ;) Please?
| WishBlade chapter 1 . 11/10/2010
Aww, that was cute! Carter and Caroline-even their names sound adorable together ]
| Mayflies chapter 1 . 8/19/2010
Man, Caroline was annoying. I just wanted to shake her and yell 'BELIEVE HIM YA'NUTCASE!'
Besides that, I thought Carter was adorable. Bioshock for nine hours? Gosh what a cutie :)
| lianoid chapter 1 . 7/31/2010
I was looking back at my review tallies and realized I owed you a review. I apologize for taking so long to repay the review kindness.
I really like that I don’t know what’s going on in this opening scene. I can sense the narrator’s nervousness and there’s a definite tension in the air. I think this was a really wise move on your behalf because it really pulled me into the story. Your use of short sentences definitely enhance the tone here, and I enjoy being on the edge of my seat; wondering what the heck’s about to happen.
I love the Tweet, Twitter, Twit, Twix wordplay. I thought that was clever and really funny to read.
Your dialogue reads very smoothly and this definitely feels like a real conversation. I can still feel a bit of tension, and coupled with the slight awkwardness, I am still rather engrossed in this.
I thought this was a friggan amazing piece! Really, your dialogue is AMAZING! Ah, I’m so impressed. It’s so refreshing to read dialogue that doesn’t sound forced! You did a smashing job with this one. I love how Caroline slowly broke down. In the beginning I was on her side and just as angry with Carter as she was. Then she suddenly started crying and I felt just as upset as she did. Then, he gradually started to edge reason into my mind and I couldn’t help but want things to end on good terms between them. This is a highly effective technique that you used here, and I’m impressed that you managed to do it so well. Excellent job with this one. I quite enjoyed reading this.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 7/24/2010
...then locked the door back.
-Style Edit: would omit "back"
...almost afraid to sit down.
-Style Edit: could omit "down"
He ran a hand through his dark curls. "I didn't think you'd come," he said.
-Style Edit: I would suggest making this its own paragraph because you switched which character was doing an action.
"Okay, okay, I know. I celebrated with my manager until like, two a.m. the second we hit two million and one."
-Just until 2AM? I think he'd party much more than that-try until 5, haha.
Inexplicably, I started crying.
-At this point I think I'd like a tad more description of her feelings before she starts to cry-though you do an excellent job of conveying it through dialogue as to why she might be upset, because You haven't added speaker tags on her part for awhile, it's hard for me to feel how she's *saying* the dialogue before this, you know? Is she frustrated when she starts the "It means you're famous..." dialogue? Is she near tears why she says it? I'd like a better feel for the emotion behind her words, otherwise this one line sticks out to me as strange.
I'm a little confused by "your my best friend" and what that means for them. Were they lovers? Were they boyfriend and girlfriend? Because she keeps comparing her friendship to girls like Dakota Fanning and this Selena chic-and the Selena one is his implied girlfriend of the moment, correct? Why keep saying "you were my best friend" but then comparing that to a girlfriend? I feel like they were girlfriend/boyfriend in the past only because of the comparisons made now. It's highly plausible they *were* just friends, that happens all the time, but I doubt his just "best friends" with this Selena girl-especially if he took her to France, haha. I guess what I'm saying, is to not be afraid to use the word "girlfriend" by this point, maybe she'll suddenly admit that she had a thing for him?
"I was the anchovy out of water. ..."
-o.O Anchovy? XD, I've never heard that one before, it's usually "fish", right? Creative.
Again, I'm finding that you focus a lot on the speaker tags for Carter, but you never focus on Caroline-I'd like to get her feelings about things and the tone she uses with her dialogue.
Hmm, overall this was a very nice short story. Very dialogue driven. I think you conveyed the emotion of Carter well, and the plot itself was unique. Carter was a tad bit "un-corrupted" feeling to me, for hanging out with stars like Usher-and I didn't get a very good feeling of how old these two were-out of high school? He was *very* un-corrupted for being out of high school and being a famous star. I have a feeling they can't be over 21, at least. So if they're younger I think I believe his lifestyle a lot more. But yeah, overall though, this was a good story with a fuzzy nice ending, haha. Well done, and most of the grammar issues were very nit-picky and optional!
| Liya Smith chapter 1 . 7/23/2010
Hahaha. And then they ate Twix bars. Clever. ;) I loved it, really cute!
| this wild abyss chapter 1 . 7/23/2010
You've really seemed to master the art of oneshots. They're all honest, true to life, and extremely believable. Brilliant job! I loved reading this.
| S. M. Saves chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
A cute, light-hearted story.
In the beginning, I thought Carter was a bit obsessive, especially when he was going to great lengths to get Caroline what she liked. That impression went away when it became a realization that they had been friends. Whew! I like how you portray them as struggling with their own emotions. Fame, fortune, and relations can be hard subjects to tackle, especially at that age. Caroline's resistance towards Carter because she believes he's changed so much that he no longer considers her an equal seemed natural.
What can I say? It was good. A bit dialogue heavy but it got the point of everlasting friendship through. There was a tint of sadness to it too. I wonder if they're going to make it?
From the Roadhouse,
S. M. Saves
| EmilyTorres chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
n'aw _ this story made me smile, laugh and cry!
the ending 'and then they ate twix bars' made me laughh, nice finishing touch! (:
| Jess Megan chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
Aw, that was cute! Caroline is a little stubborn but I can't say I blame her. There's a lot in here people can relate to. I thought it was funny how she kept bringing up Selena, you could tell she was jealous.
| Lady Darkness Diamond chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
Aw, that's so sweet!
I love the way you opened the story. The dialogue moves pretty quickly but also gives you a real sense of how insecure Caroline is about meeting with an old friendand for a one shot like this that is essential.
Putting in the names of different celebrities and famous magazines also made it more real and believable and was a very nice touch.
The way Carter spoke makes him seem like an honest guy who just got caught up in life and made a few mistakes. The way you had Caroline approach him and talk to him gives you a good idea of what his personality is like. That can be hard to to with one shots like this where you only have so much time to engage the reader.
The small bits of humor really help lighten the mood a little as well.
Your a great author and this was very well done. Keep up the good work!
| Emily Mentioned chapter 1 . 7/22/2010
aw! That story made we want to hug muyself. The characters developed and changed beautifully, and it wasn't crazy and unbelievable, even though it was about fame.
grammar police! "Two bodyguards towered on my left and on my right" were there two bodyguards on either side? I think that's called a misplaced modifier if there weren't supposed to be four bodyguards... and also the sentence fragment "Big Time" was weird cause it didn't really flow and there was an extra capital and it was a fragment.
| TK Anez chapter 1 . 7/21/2010
I thought this was really good. You write fast paced dialogue that gives me a good sense of the relationship between them. Maybe you could check out my story, Ishiki. I'd love to hear your opinion on it :)