|Reviews for Suicide Attempt No 1|
| Guest chapter 1 . 10/16/2012
'nuff said xD
I just love the words in the brackets. They really add color? Okay, color.
They really add color to what the person is going through.
'Tis beautiful in a twisted way(because really, who'd say that suicide is awesome?)
| Dragon-Rider II chapter 1 . 10/13/2011
In all honesty, this has to be one of the most emotional/intriguing pieces of poetry I have ever read.
And I read a lot of emotional poetry.
I love the words in the brackets; it just adds to the piece supermega fantabulistically.
Coupled with the title, wow...
Supermega fantabulistic. *Huggle*
| Choseporfante chapter 1 . 9/12/2011
1st stanza - Physical pain
2nd stanza - Emotional pain
Words placed inside the parantheses really emphasized the unstability of the person.
And music...would refer to the sirens, yes?
| words are all I have chapter 1 . 3/8/2011
I like this, the brackets with the inner thoughts make it seem more obvious that this person is unstable, which is good. The fear and the eventual decision to not jump is a nice twist, Though I dont know why the lights were flashing blue and red, that part just seemed a but weird.. But I like it.
| Subbie chapter 1 . 10/12/2010
I can really relate to this... its good. I like it alot.
| purplehost chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
When I stand on the edge of something really high up, I get this leaping feeling in my stomach. When I was reading this I got the same feeling because the images were that vivid. I personally don't like the theme of suicide, but I was forewarned and I liked the poem despite the subject matter.
| name redacted chapter 1 . 8/25/2010
Once again, very sharp message and consistant stlye. The last stanza confuses me a little; where the music/ lights are coming from. Is there a police car? Did it get there that quickly? Also, in the first, where are the bruises from? I'm pretty sure (though I could be mistaken) that most people don't physically assault themselves in ways that cause bruises when they're suicidal/self-injuring. I've heard of cutting, burning, chemical burning, but not bruising. And aren't cuts on the wrist usually an attempt at suicide (depending on the direction), so is this attempt number one?
Just a note: these are just kind of random observations,most are not things I noticed the first time I read through. So don't get me wrong, is very well written and structually interesting.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 8/18/2010
Music police sirens, correct? If so, that's the best image in your poem.
Having read your PM, let me give you another (hopefully beneficial) review.
To explain what I meant about "if I didn't know there was a message," let me make a metaphor.
Billy-Bob is out shopping with his mom, and they get ice cream part of the way through their list of errands. Billy-Bob excitedly asks if he can pay for the ice cream. His mom obliges, and he goes up to the counter. She is very proud when Billy-Bob takes out a quarter from his own pocket and puts it in the tip jar.
"Billy, that was really generous of you to tip," she says, complimenting his good behavior.
"Oh, mommy that wasn't a tip," he replies, "I took a piece of candy so I paid for it in there."
He shows her the half-eaten Kit-Kat Bar.
"Oh..." his mom sighs.
I thought that the language in your piece was pretty well done for a fourteen-year-old (well beyond any expectations, in fact), but now I'm like the mom in my little story. You told me that your language wasn't there for the reasons same reasons that I thought/expected it to be.
I feel like this poem is not quite there with the language in the same way that the other one was - quite possibly because you didn't use a thesaurus. Oh well.
The one aspect of your writing that bugs me is the, shall we say, maturity - or the lack thereof. You're writing about a suicide attempt, but the language is mediocre at best, and your images are not provocative. I know you consider your self a writer of stories, so let me give you some story advice - images make or break any piece of writing. You have huge potential to create images, but you haven't really capitalized on that yet.
Also, read the poem out loud to yourself, after you take a look at my profile: there's a little explanation of how to read poetry rhythmically that I put there. After you take a look at that, try to read your own poems out loud the way I describe in my profile. Your rhythm, language, imagery, and tone all need to fuse in order to create a poem.
Keep up the good work, and write as often as you can - there's no better way to improve. Best of luck to you!
| Doggfather chapter 1 . 7/27/2010
I like how you grouped the words on the 1st and second stanzas. The 1st talks about physical pain then the 2nd followed with emotional pain.
pitter- patters at my heart
I like that line.
The last stanza ended nicely with a decision from the speaker.
| East-0f-Eden chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
I've been there. It's dark...my advice is just write it all out. If ppl are listening or not listening it doesn't matter...just write.
| JuniperRhose chapter 1 . 7/25/2010
Great visuals... really pulls the reader (or at least me!) in. Makes me hope for them; wish that I could help.