|Reviews for To The Lady Pachabel|
| Negasi chapter 1 . 3/11/2013
I read this aloud as I went through it. It comes off the tongue and sounds magnificent! I love the alliteration, because it just sounds so magnificent when spoken. The only thing I can say is that the ending seems a little disjointed from the rest of it, it just doesn't have the same vibe, but nonetheless I think this is an amazing poem, and would certainly make a very good slam piece!
| Adrenalin chapter 1 . 8/28/2010
I'm totally obsessive with openings, be it in prose or in poetry. A good first line is sometimes all that it takes to make me read an entire book, even if the rest is not up to that first line. The hardest to come upon are the great ones. Your first line is good - not great, but I liked it well enough. I'm not totally convinced by the use of 'potent' with 'making a point' which I find a little redundant.
The third line was also the one that read the less naturally out of the whole piece. No matter how much I love the rhyme inside the verse, 'emanate' and 'emaciate' are too complicated words. Well, not exactly complicated, but they halt the flow a little I think.
[reeds that grow like weeds;]
Now that one I could enjoy fully! It read so well, I love this line.
[Clouds are deception incarnate,/
did you know?]
I love this, too. I was a little miffed that it was not explained why they were deception incarnate.
In the [In truth...] stanza I really liked the imagery you used. It has a bittersweet feeling, and I don't know why, but reading it I imagined a landscape with lots of wind and lots of emptiness.
The clouds' leering was a creepy image in my opinion (not that I didn't like it, mind you)
Anyway, the poem as a whole was very sad, but the end didn't have quite the same rythm as the beginning. The sentences become shorter and they lose part of their originality. From [I will live...] to the end I couldn't find the feeling of bittersweet anticipation that I got from the beginning. I was a little disappointed.
(Talk about not giving compliments! Here I come, and I'm as bad as you :) But concrit is the best I think.)
Overall I really liked this poem. Obviously you're better than me at this, but I'll work on that and catch up to you as soon as I can.
P.S: that was a thank-you review for the one you gave me, since you said you wouldn't use it for the RG. I review back in such cases, especially when one's review is as detailed as your own. I hope my review is up to standard!
| Doggfather chapter 1 . 8/25/2010
I love how the last lines put everything together. The poem lifted me as the speaker took flight. This is well put together. a bit flowery but really nice.
| lipleaf chapter 1 . 8/18/2010
First off, let me say that I loved the internal rhyming you had here. It was brilliantly done and gave the poem a certain kind of rhythm that lets it just roll off my tongue. It creates an almost jaunty tone that belies the subject matter, but it fits well with the idea of encouraging the person in this piece to leave and gives the speaker a personality, makes him/her feel more real. I like that.
The way you word things in the first half was intriguing- "composed diction," "echo then emaciate," and "at the junction of decision" were some of my favorites. They feel quite unique. But then, in the second half, while the tone remains the same, you seem to take on a different kind of style. You pulled the transition off quite well, but compared to the first half, the phrasings in the second part seem a bit tired and overused. This is especially the case with things such as "No more sorrow, no more regrets, no more!", "leave this ugly world behind," and "Don't you ever regret leaving, but I'll miss you."
While the concluding lines (last four) certainly work well to close the piece, I feel like they've been seen so many times they belittle the rest of the poem, which for the most part has a style of its own. However, I still enjoyed this piece. It was well-written and had a good flow, and like I've said before, the tone was nicely done. Good job.
On a completely unrelated note, I want to thank you for introducing me to "We Real Cool." It's a wonderful poem. I liked it quite a bit. :)
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 8/18/2010
You have a very unique way of putting across a quite un-unique message here, and I really liked that. The last line compresses all the previously detailed language into something simple, which gives it even more power.
I found the alliteration in your first stanza somewhat off putting, as you didn't continue it throughout the piece.
Your language seemed... flowery in places, like you were taking a lot of words to not say very much. While in places this is good, used throughout an entire piece can slow down the flow considerably.