Reviews for I Defy: Orginally Power Lust
AvidWriter-92 chapter 4 . 8/6/2010
Hello again.

I liked the fight scene the best; I could imagine it very well. :P Again, I also liked the dialogue, because the characters seem very realistic, to me.

I am getting a bit confused about who is who exactly, maybe you could have some more descriptions about them in the beginning couple of chapters? It might just be me, though, so don't worry about it too much. xP

I really liked how Mara exclaimed that Jane was a murderer because her Tyria slipped and fell, and they blamed the ladder. :P Mara seems like quite the character. :P

Good job on this chapter as well! I couldn't find anything that you might want to fix. :D

Avid, Roadhouse. Repaying reviews. 4/4.
AvidWriter-92 chapter 3 . 8/6/2010
hello, Launo. :D

I thought that the characters and their personalities were done very well in this chapter, especially. :D I think that the dialogue might be the reason behind this, but I can relate to them better in this chapter for some reason. :)

I also liked the bit of background knowledge you've thrown in there about the past kings and queens. I thought it was neat, and also helped me to set myself in the story better. :D

I didn't catch very many grammar mistakes either. :P Just make sure that you put a comma before a conjuntion (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) if the next part of the sentence is a complete one (has a subject and a verb.)

Ex. "Caroline was overthrown[,] and King Amoco seized the crown."

Other than that, not much. :P Good job!

Avid. :D Repaying reviews... 3/4.
AvidWriter-92 chapter 2 . 8/6/2010
Hello again, Launo. :)

I really enjoyed reading some of the descriptions that you had, like about the sunset, and how the oatmeal looked/tasted. Those were great examples of imagery, and it made it easier for me to set myself in Karine's shoes. :)

One suggestion that I have for you is to vary the length of your sentences. Most of the time, your sentences are pretty short, and it makes the story read a bit choppy. If you made a couple of the sentences in a paragraph into compound sentences, I think it would help solve this problem.

Also, the part at the end about that person dying seemed sort of randomly placed.

Otherwise, I liked this chapter a lot! :) I also want to know who Karine's father is. :D

Avid, via the Roadhouse. Repaying reviews (Review Buddies. :D) 2/4
AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
Hey, Launo. :D

I liked this first chapter. The descriptions were really great, and I loved the interaction between the characters. All of it seemed very realistic. :D

I have one suggestion: Perhaps you could break up the first big paragraph into a few smaller ones? It's a bit too much to read all at once. :P

Here are a few grammar things that I caught...

"And, I don't need any help."

I'm pretty sure you don't need the comma after and.

Of course[,] I will get you anything you want and Jane[,] too.

Add the commas there. :)

It was her who [was] shameless.

That's all that I could find! :)

Good job on this chapter. :D

AvidWriter-92

Review Buddy, repaying reviews. :P (1/4)
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 3 . 8/3/2010
Right now, it's difficult to see a plot forming. By the third chapter there should be some evidence of one.

'"Sixty hundred golds."' might sound better as just 'Sixty hundred gold'.

The classroom scene worked well to show us that this isn't 'our' world, and it seems like an interesting history you've created for this world. Good work on that.
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 2 . 7/30/2010
A lot of the sentences seem to be 'she did this, then did that, and then she did this...' especially when she comes home at the start of the chapter. You might want to cut some of it out; not everything she does has to be told to us!

You might want to keep an eye out for the tenses too - most of it is past, but then you have the odd sentence like 'Once her heart's on something, she won't settle for anything less', which could be "Once her heart was set on something, she wouldn't..." maybe? You might also want to indicate the sort of time this is set in; it might be a fantasy world, but parts of it feel very old-fashioned (which is good!), in which case the farm might hire people from a bit younger than 18?

I'm glad Karine is starting to find out more about her father, and for some reason part of me is wondering if he actually is dead or not. Nice work at keeping the reader guessing with that. The characters are interesting and I find myself wondering what is going to happen to them, so again good job with creating likeable characters that, as a reader, you can care about.
Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 2 . 7/29/2010
Hey, me again. Yay, we learn more about Karine! You called Karine Mara by accident in the opening of this chapter, so once again, I'd advise you to look through and comb this for other errors. I felt that the death at the ending seemed a bit too sudden, a bit too unemotional and could definitely be expanded on. Hope this helps!

Sakina x
Sakina the Fallen Angel chapter 1 . 7/29/2010
Nice description and opening, but I didn't feel much for the confrontation that occured afterwards. Maybe you could go into a bit of detail on the relationships that the characters bear to each other, and add in some more emotion and Karine's thoughts? Obviously she is angry, but as we don't know what Mara means to Karine, then the effect of the confrontation isn't as strong as it could be. Also, I found a few spelling and grammar errors here maybe you could get a beta reader to look through?

Finally, the ending made me laugh :P

Sakina, from the Roadhouse
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 7/28/2010
The opening paragraph is a little bit too descriptive, I feel, compared to the rest of the chapter, especially as the carriage itself plays only a minor part in the whole thing. I'd suggest either putting in more description throughout the rest of it or cutting this down a bit?

Karine seems like a very interesting character, especially with her desires to be rich, and her and Charlotte come across as very close right from the start. I would suggest taking out one of the 'pretty's, or even both of them, in '"She was pretty lucky to marry so well." Charlotte commented. "I've heard that her dad was wealthy and had connections. I'm pretty sure that she was an earl's third cousin."'

Other than that, an interesting start.

-from The Roadhouse
seredemia chapter 2 . 7/28/2010
Karine's life is officially sh*t. People give her a hard time, her mother is basically annoying and she doesn't know her own father. I feel really sorry for her... She's only thirteen as well. Poor thing.

Aah, her dad died? I wonder why...

Holy woah. How did that Tyria person die? That was a bit sudden... Oh she fell. I thought her death was bit... rushed. I didn't really feel any horror or anything, really. Perhaps you should go more in-depth with that.

Aside from that, good chapter. Keep writing!

Roadhouse
WutNow chapter 2 . 7/27/2010
Here from the Roadhouse

Wow, Karine was bitter the moment she got home lol. I think the dialogue improved in this chapter, mostly because you explained their actions before the characters even talked. I'm also enjoying the setting, and how you never forgot to explain the location these characters are in- so kudo points for you :). Though I liked the climactic ending to the chapter, I thought you could have described it a little more vividly. You kind of skimmed through the details- though you implied that it was bloody, I thought it could have been emphasized in a way (maybe that is just me asking for more gore... XD). It was an acceptable transition to the chapter. G'job :)

-Agent
WutNow chapter 1 . 7/27/2010
Here from the Roadhouse

I'm unsure which story you want reviews on, so I took it upon myself to just look around for what you have. And this one caught my interest :)

I really like the vivid description you had sprinkled throughout the chapter. I liked the beginning where you described the horses as well, comparing them to statues- I had a nice image in my head with that :). Overall, the story is looking to be promising.

The only thing that bothered me, to be honest, was the run on sentences, including the wa you formatted the dialogue. For example, the first sentence of the story is a little long. Also, when someone is talking and you are goin to add description after it, you should use lowercase ( a comma) instead of a period. Just a thought.

Overall, I thought it was a decent first start :)

-Agent
HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 7/27/2010
The description you put in the first paragraph seemed unbalanced, as that was the only description throughout this chapter. You should try to spread it out.

"two horses of equal size and appearance" - This sentence felt even more awkward. As you go on to describe their appearances', you don't need to say they look the same.
seredemia chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
I'm loving this so far. I like how you described the horses and the carriage. That was a really clear and great image. I think that was what was best about this first chapter. Your descriptions. Great job on that. Karine also sounds like a decent character so far, although it's too early for me to review on her since at this stage, I hardly know about her. I think she'll be a good character though. Anyway, this is nice so far. I thought people were a bit mean though, picking on Karine like that. I can see that she's going to have a hard time in this story...

Anyway, continue writing!

Roadhouse

Pretty please repay via The Unwanted?
MeAsIAm chapter 1 . 7/26/2010
Interesting setting. The characters are especially intriguing. Karine's situation was very nicely depicted in the opening chapter, and such a strong female lead makes it a good read. I like Charlotte and Karine's characterisation. It was quite short, so can say nothing much, but will be waiting for the next part.

via the roadhouse
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