|Reviews for Psychic Star|
| RogueWriter17 chapter 1 . 7/28/2010
Hi, Rouge here, and I just wanted to let you know that I think your story is really cool and had great potential so I'll be lurking (I do that a lot, lurk I mean) around to see what happens from here. Also, I noticed a few mistakes while reading that I figured that I'd just point out while I'm here. Don't be alarmed, it's nothing more than a few typos and just some clarification questions.
1. "Thanks dude. Er…. Sorry on intruding you like that."
Um, I think that you meant to put: "Thanks dude. Er... sorry for intruding on you like this." (I just personally think that 'this' sounds much better as it's still in the present when he's intruding.
2. We stared at each other, admiring each other for the next 5 minutes or so until I finally snapped out of it.
For this, this isn't really a problem it's just I think you would keep a larger fan base if you typed out 'five' instead of using the number 5. Personally I don't really mind either way but other authors on this sight get really ticked off about things like that so... eh, what are you gonna do right?
3. "Ok dude, we needa talk."
Honestly I'm not positive if this is a problem or not, I've never heard the word 'needa' before or seen it so... I myself would have typed "Ok dude, we need to talk. Now." that sounds so much more appropriate for Cafe's haste to discuss this situation. But that's just me, it's your work so you can have any choice of writing style you like.
4. "Whatever, same thing. Who your parents?"
I think you meant to say: "Who are your parents?" but that's just an assumption.
5. Still alive and they live in my mansion and I know their my birth parents. You?"
I don't know exactly what the term is for this, it's on the tip of my tongue but I'm having one of those blonde moments (I'm brunette, and no offense if you're a blonde, it's just an expression my friends and I use) but where you used 'their' it should have been 'they're'. Happens to me all the time, but some people just nag me about it instead of telling me gently like I'm trying to do now. People can be real meanies sometimes :( Oh and instead of 'you' I think 'yours' would work better in this sentence. Unless however Sinzel is foreign which then the way he confuses American language makes perfect sense, though you should probably make his status clear as to avoid angry flamers targeting his speech if that is the case. Honestly I think making him foreign would be a great idea, and would definitely bring on some funny moments of Cafe trying to mock his accent to like his parents or manager or something :)
6. "Still alive, live with me and their my birth parents."
Same thing as what I just said 'their' should be 'they're', again, happens to me all the time so don't stress over it. The whole point is improving right :)
All right, that's it. Again I am in no way flaming your work, I actually think it's really good; I'm just here to help if needed. Can't wait for what happens next, and if you ever need advice or any kind of help or just wanna talk then drop me a PM and I'll be sure to respond :)