|Reviews for Secrets of the Lamhostil|
| Wounded-Petals chapter 4 . 10/14/2010
Courtesy of the Roadhouse
[...since it's getting close to dawn and you look like you could use some sleep."] 'to' should be 'too'
Another interesting chapter. It's still messed up that Kyra's mother was killed, but I guess that had to happen for her to learn about herself, huh? And an aunt that's vampire, neat most definitely.
I'm curious to see where this will go, though I think it was probably a bit unsafe to leave her by herself. I mean if this guy is hunting them, then wouldn't he come across her too?
| seredemia chapter 4 . 10/7/2010
I really do feel sorry for Kyra now. Basically, she's lost everything, hasn't she? I'm really surprised she hasnt broken down IMMENSELY yet, but then again... Kyra is pretty tough. Okay, never mind. Shes screaming at the sky. That can be counted as breaking down too. Oh, at least Kyra has her Aunt Akira now! Their names are pretty similar if your say them... Akira is basically Kya, but with an A at the front... Well, it depends on the pronounciation. Akira is definitely interesting. Im not sure whether she can be trusted- even though shes meant to be Kyra's aunt or something.
| fudgyvmp chapter 3 . 10/5/2010
gasp! 3752 is about normal for a chapter (average book is 260 pages 18 chapters, double spaced, which is 3611 words a chapter
-'the bare wood paneled room' wood-paneled is preferable
-'about her age sitting a sitting on a bench a few feet' take out the 'a sitting'
-'Then, [a] hushed voice suddenly grabbed'
-'ensure an increase in finding for public safety' think you mean 'funding'
- i like the foreshadowing bit you did where she finds the inn easily the first time thinking about how she's not sure where it is, and then how she can't the second time
-ah a pseudo-reality, I like the idea, you can take stuff as you want, making people drive cars in Renaissance cloths if you want, whatever. spiffy
-'she feel to her knees and cried as the familiar darkness enveloped her' you mean 'fell'
honestly something about this seemed too quick, like the fight with mom should have been one chapter, and the make-up then die another that way you could put in something more on emotion (you can half disregard that because I'm projecting my inability to convey emotion as well as I would like in my stuff on you)
| fudgyvmp chapter 2 . 10/5/2010
look, I'm being semi-productive and going beyond chapter 2
-'he was not pleased with be woken in' being woken'
-'before slapping [him ]hard across the face, causing him [to ]stumble back a few steps.'
-'With that, she turned and strode down back down the path the way they had come.' either 'back down' or just 'down'
I like the lesson in being treated right.
wondering question. what is the time period?
| Wounded-Petals chapter 3 . 10/4/2010
Courtesy of The Roadhouse
This was a very nice chapter. I like the description in it and how as always the pieces are slowly coming together. I'd had a feeling that something was up with that girl. Besides, what guy on the counsil goes through so much trouble to know everybody unless it's for a reason, lol.
It's sad that her mother died, and she has no one else in the world really and that she had to find things out the hard way now. I wonder where you're going to take the direction of what has happened.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 4 . 10/4/2010
Hey there. Me again. :) Okay, so this chapter is nothing less than a mindrape for Kyra. If you don't call what Kyra has gone through a mindrape, I don't know what else is. It's really good to see her struggles being so real here and I'm not saying this because I'm a sadist. All in all you made her show of emotions pretty strong albeit I feel that you could have gone more in depth on this area where her thoughts are concerned. Apart from that, nothing much a CC to offer here. Also you've got yourself a couple of intriguing characters in the form of Akira and Demitri. I've yet to pass my verdict on them as characters, but I can foresee some interesting stuff coming from them especially Akira. As for that unknown hunter, it will be interesting to see if he has any role to play in the big picture of the plot. Or maybe he's just there for shit and giggles. I don't know to be honest, but it will be a worthwhile question. :) And on the Lamhostil family, I know it's not your intention, but I'm seeing a very strong feminist vibe here. Again as said in one of your previous replies, you're not out to do a feminist job out of this story, so don't take it the wrong way. :)
P.S: Hold back your guns in reviewing for now. A Ranger's Tale is undergoing a new round of editing and my current beta has yet to get back to me due to his own commitments.
| seredemia chapter 3 . 10/1/2010
I dont like the sound of Anita Greenwood. She reminds me of one of those meanies that you meet when youre new at school and they immediately start picking on you cos youre new... I might be wrong, but she just gives that impression. I dont like her... She's a bit too nosy for my liking. I have a feeling she'll cause some problems for Kyra in the future.
I felt sorry for Kyra near the end. It must have been hard to leave her mother... I hope nothing bad happens to her mum...
| seredemia chapter 2 . 10/1/2010
I really liked the mystery of this chapter. Im also curious about Kyra's mother.
She's not your typical sweet mother who bakes cookies. She's a bit uptight and
more... threatening. Kyra and her kinda sound similar and I love their relationship.
Kyra seems like she looks up to her mother and aspires to be her..? I dunno. But I
just liked how Kyra thought her mum was incredible for threatening that man. I liked
that part. You also did a great job on the descriptions, I could really picture the
scene well. Overall, this was great!
| fudgyvmp chapter 1 . 9/27/2010
an almost rape scene always gets the attention
vampires, they also give attention
think you could use better words, anger is 2 cents,
and "then the body continued to burn...burning flesh" why not 'charring flesh,' 'baking flesh,' 'cooking flesh' or 'smoldering flesh' burning is kind of redundant since we know the flesh is burning.
'a little ways away' is also a tad redundant/awkward.
I almost thought the mom was the vampires mate coming with vengeance...but it was just a mom. eh go figure.
AGH, the secret dad, and stories untold. bet she's really a damphire (hope not though, something more creative, which you got switching up how to kill things, silver bullets for vampires! awesomeness)
Its always nice to see heroines kick arse, but maybe you could show some more detail to it instead of a flick of the wrist and the vampires off, then a touch and he's aflame. wow pyrokinesis and telekinesis, may favourite powers.
just actually looked at the title, LOL nice when there are witty chapter names like that.
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu chapter 3 . 9/27/2010
To be honest this is the best chapter you've written so far. Good interaction between Kyra and her mother, good show of emotions and a fast paced thriller drama. I'm really starting to feel for Kyra as a character now. In fact even much more than her mother which may seems ironic to you since Ileea was your baby character. But yet killing her off just gets to show that you've got a good attitude as a story writer. The danger of being one via my own experience would be not having the guts in killing off a vital character when the situation calls for it. That is also why I tend not to take most manga storylines seriously because the author won't actually kill of any said character for the fear of the rabid fans. It's really ridiculous seriously. -.- Also I wonder what's the local residents' beef with the Lamhostil lineage. Or have you revealed in during the previous installment?
Anyway, if there's anything I can suggest in improving here. And that is, you could have gone more in depth on Kyra's feelings towards her mother when she was dreaming. You've did a general concept of the thoughts, but you could have gone further by playing up her own questions in regard to this aspect and link it to the latter interactions between Kyra and her mother where the former's own feelings and thoughts are concerned. Apart from that, nothing much to say. I think I can only review this chapter for now even though it's your updated one. Keep up the good work. :)
-From The Roadhouse. :)
| Old xRayneWolfx account chapter 1 . 9/26/2010
Awesome a mother/daughter hunting squad :) sweetness. I like Kyra, she sounds awesome. O.O I have to start reading the "prequel" to this if I wanna know what happended before..
Any who, great job :) I can't wait for more
| berley chapter 1 . 9/24/2010
Ah, vampires and vampire hunters. I'm always down for reading about some chicks kicking ass. I am trying to read a lot of stories from all different genres, so I am trying out the supernatural genre.
One thing I would suggest would be working on writing out action scenes. I feel you don't have enough detail. Some stories work out better with a bit more simplicity, but personally I like a lot of detail with this kind of story. It just needs a bit more meat on it's bones.
Other then that, it will be interesting to see how you depict vampires. Everyone always has a different version of them for themselves. :)
This review was brought to you by The Roadhouse.
| Wounded-Petals chapter 2 . 9/22/2010
Courtesy of the Roadhouse
[Like two shadows in the night, Kyra and her mother strode down a dark street, only the light of a few dimming streetlamps lighting their way.] I like this descriptions. The idea of them being like two shadows is neat.
[It was quite obvious from the look on his face that he was not pleased with be woken in the middle of the night.] I think 'be' should be 'being'.
I like the relationship between Kyra and her mother. Of course, the fact that her mother is a strong willed woman is very nice to see in a story as well as read, lol. This chapter makes me wonder where things are going and how they'll turn out once they get to the new destination.
| Screaming Dean chapter 1 . 9/21/2010
I normally don't like vampire stories but this one's pretty good. Is Kyra some kind of Jedi or what? It was great seeing someone take on a vampire and bat him up like that. But I do have a question. Aren't silver bullets for killing werewolves? And don't vampires suffer more damage from wood based attacks?
| seredemia chapter 1 . 9/17/2010
Aah. Vampires. I do love arrogant vampires, there's something about them that I just cant help but like. As for vampires like Edward Cullen... ugh. Kyra's very... unique. Did she just flick that vampire off with one hand? Woah. That's not normal. I wonder what she is... She doesnt seem to be human. Hmm, I'd like to know more about Kyra. She seems like a very interesting character so far and I'm intruiged about her abilities.