|Reviews for Hustle!|
| What Happens Now chapter 3 . 10/31/2010
I like where the story is heading the exposition is now officially over in my opinion, but i think that to further enhance your story you should make the dialogues there own paragraphs so that they are easy to pick out from details, and I know many readers give up on long drawn out details and jump to the dialogue and so it makes them much more educated while they review
| What Happens Now chapter 2 . 10/31/2010
I like your choice of descriptive words, it suits the story, though I feel like I don't really have a good description of Soraji, maybe I should go back and read it again
| What Happens Now chapter 1 . 10/31/2010
I think I like this story.. I'm not sure where it's going with the campy ending, but I'm sure it might make a U-Turn. Anyway, I think the only change I would make is to swap the text features, change the words from bold to italics and just make the font a little bigger maybe. But if you want to stick with bold i think you should then put the bolded words in caps
| Jurou Daisuke chapter 2 . 8/26/2010
wow! nice work on the turftrace match while reading route 2 various images flood my my it almost has the same theme as Air gear only the race part and well the smart-assness of the infamous Soraji
the shrimp part made me imagine Edward Elric from the popular hagane no renkinjutsushi
anyway the image of the character is missing i can't really get a hand on the characters face
due to the fact that you didn't write what he looks like
well going onto route 3
by the way i like the way you named the chapters simple yet intriguing
ROUTE- kinda like the roads you take in life
| Jurou Daisuke chapter 1 . 8/26/2010
Route one was pretty good if you don't mind me saying. you really put the fact that he likes animals huh? and i'm also wondering why the hell would there be a falcon near a city?
though i found the first part a little off
this one i quote
"In the classroom, you can clearly hear the sounds of rummaging paper, and the pencils that are brushing against them"
at first it felt like the classroom was empty
i think it would have been clearer if you
made it somewhat like this (this is entierly just my opinion ok?)
Silence fills the classroom as the students are taking the exam/quiz or etc.
then placing the line qouted like this
Silence fills the classroom as the students are taking the exam, "you can clearly hear the sounds of rummaging paper, and the pencils that are brushing against them" and so on
amidst of all the students the silences in broken
as (I quote)"a young man stands from his seat in the middle of the first row, and walks towards the teacher's desk"...
and at the part where Mr kobayashi gets it critiqued by tsetsu hee just give out a sigh
and (i quote) "You of all people should be the least worried." says Mr. Kobayashi. "I'm almost certain that this will be another perfect score for you." Mr. Kobayashi says"
ans he says this w/ a somewhat encouraging way it because it felt like Tsetsu was getting scolded at unless that was that was Mr. kobayashi's attitude
well thats it i hope you don't take it too much
(bow..raise head...smile... thanks for having me)
| FakeFiction chapter 1 . 8/7/2010
I took incentive into reading your profile before reading this. I read all the way up to chapter 3 before posting this.
The mechanics are mostly fine, there are scattered little oopsies, those can be easily fixed. Grammar is just about 99% clean.
Overall, I do believe there's a lack of synergy between each little section you write per chapter... that it just sorta doesn't fit. The concept is impeccable, the cliches and fanaticism are great touches, but the flow kinda gets disrupted from here to there. I particularly find that in chapter 3, of all places.
I think, though, you're doing a good job. Keep it up.
P.S. The honorific for brother is nii-san, nee is used for sisters. Might want to fix that, it peeved me lots.
| Open your eyes Chopstick chapter 1 . 8/5/2010
okay, here's how my reviews work. I point out stuff i think was a bit iffy, maybe give some tips to keep in mind for future updates, and then I tell you if i liked it, what i liked about it, and why. Ready?
"In the classroom, you can clearly hear the sounds of rummaging paper,"-i'm not a big fan of the word 'you' in a middle of a story. 2nd person pov isn't most people's 'thing' when reading. it looks like, though, that this story is in 3rd pov. if that's the case, take away the 'you'
""Tsetsu's such a nerd." whispers a voice from the far reaches of the classroom. As Tsetsu places his paper on the desk, the teacher, Mr. Kobayashi takes an upward glance from his newspaper that he was seemingly into, towards him. "As expected of you, Hayasegawa-kun." Mr. Kobayashi says, with praise. "And in less than 3 minutes, too." he adds to the praise. "It was so difficult, that I almost fainted under the pressure." says Tsetsu."-when you have dialogue like you do here, you have to start each voice in a new paragraph. does it make sense to you what I'm trying to say? New paragraph whenever a new person talks.
""As expected of you, Hayasegawa-kun." Mr. Kobayashi says, with praise. "And in less than 3 minutes, too." he adds to the praise."- the "adds to the praise" sounds a bit awkward with the reading flow since you already used the word 'praise' before. perhaps change it a bit.
"It was so difficult, that I almost fainted under the pressure." says Tsetsu."-you use a comma after 'pressure' not a period. when you end a dialogue, always use a comma instead of a period when you end it with a "say/said so-and-so."
Throughout the story you used bold font to express sarascm. it was distracting. if you want that affect, use italics instead. it's less distracting...but, i suggest you work with the chapter some more with this in mind. It wasn't just the bold font that was distracting, it was the fact that there was so many of them. Use it sparingly. Use it too much, and it losses its affect.
I am...so confused on what's happening. The flow of the writing starts off strong, but then it's rushed towards the end. I have no idea what was going on exactly, or, that is, i do...but it was disorianting. the rushness didn't match the beginning. I ended up having to reread the last few paragraphs. I suggest slwoing it down a bit, and keep the flow consistant from the first half of the chapter. who cares if that might make the chapter longer? It'll get better.
other than that, i admire your courage to write this story in present tense. that's hard to do...and you kept it consistant. you didnt switch tenses (which i do...) and i like the word choices. The different types characters seem to be interesting and based on how they arrived, i have a feeling the story will be interesting with them in it.
so, out of ten stars, i'll give the first chapter a 4. not bad...mostly this is because of the mistakes i saw and the flow. story line wise, there wasn't much in the first chapter...so i can't grade that yet until i read the next chapter.
Hope I was of some help. and thank you again for your review. :)
| TK Anez chapter 3 . 8/3/2010
This is getting really good! I love how fast the story moves along, and the dialogue is really dynamic. Great job! I'll be reading more :)
| TK Anez chapter 1 . 7/31/2010
This is really good! It's so cool that you've actually made this into a manga. I'll have to check it out :) I loved all of the dialogue, and your descriptions were very clear to me. Can't wait to see what happens next! Maybe you could check out my story, Ishiki. I'd love to hear your opinion on it :)