|Reviews for Neither Nor|
| Wiseau Films chapter 1 . 9/27/2010
Everyone betray everyone in your story, this is why I fed up with this wurld.
| YasuRan chapter 6 . 9/27/2010
I enjoyed the short yet revealing conversation between Lidya and Nor. It explains a lot about the old lady and that thing about her daughter's 'profession' aroused my sympathy. There were quite a lot of punctuation mistakes in this chapter, mind you. Most notably, you don't have to add a comma after 'but' in some places.
More clearance on Jay, finally :). Okay, so he's not as bad as I thought. But I do feel for both him and Nor. That feeling of thinking of each other as nothing more than someone to 'settle for' seems quite foreshadowing to me. Especially since Nor comes closer to the Lord Magistrate.
| YasuRan chapter 5 . 8/31/2010
Ah, so the plot turns at this point. There are more questions popping up in my mind that involve the boys: Jay's sudden hostility and Alan's other motives. They certainly don't seem that fond of Elinor if their actions are any proof.
And speaking of Elinor, the poor girl just wanders into trouble, doesn't she? What with Claire being jealous of her and Tess hinting at Alan like that (definitely got my suspicions raised). Personally, I think she could use some attention in her character development. While she's certainly not a boring character, she has to be memorable amidst a cast that seems to grow in significance with each chapter. Still, the plot's moving along well and I like the little tidbits you reveal about the supporting characters through their interactions with Nor.
Until next chapter then :)
| Britwitch chapter 3 . 8/16/2010
Was looking forward to seeing how this developed, have to admit I'm somewhat relieved to hear Elinor didn't come to a 'sticky end' after her thump round the head! :o)
Again, your descriptions are delightful, you really did capture the eerie atmosphere of Quicksilver Alley without going 'over the top' about it - "The putrid smell of rotting plants was immediately apparent as I stepped into the alley." (As well as capturing the 'busy' element of the bakery in the prevous chapter!)
One small typo though, I think, "I covered my nose with the 'thick' wool of my cloak..." is what I think you meant to say :o)
| Vic Taylor chapter 3 . 8/12/2010
Apologies. Would just like to correct my previous review for chapter 3.
I meant 'she wouldn't have drunk the potion'. :)
| HiddenFromYou chapter 3 . 8/12/2010
I like how you've cut on the descriptions of the main character's movements. It makes the writing flow a lot easier. The first thing that caught my eye on this was the way you moved over the man calling out to her, asking if she was lost. You need to find a balance between dragging things out and moving on too quickly, as you did here.
I don't think, realistically, she would have drunk the strange potion she was given. After all, she doesn't know these people, and being polite only goes so far.
| Shirin Madavey chapter 1 . 8/11/2010
[But then again, Mrs. Adela Lawrence was always sour. Her words were more likely to be harsh than not and I had never seen a genuine smile grace her face. Even the adorable antics of her two children did not amuse her.] I see this as a good opportunity for characterization, seeing as Mrs. Lawrence is likely to be a main character. Since she’s in the introduction, she has be somewhat memorable at the least. Anyways, in this paragraph you do some showing but you mostly do telling. You don’t necessarily have to tell the reader she’s sour, and telling the reader the antics of her children do not amuse her is still technically telling. How does she react when her children play together? How are her children adorable? What kind of face does she normally wear? Does she scream when she sees her two little children lollygagging? Does she wear a big puss on her face when she’s meeting the main character, that doesn’t really go away? These are just a few things to think about.
[In return, I received a few coins a month, food, lodging and cast off clothing from the Lawrences. It wasn't as much as I could be making in other areas of work, but it was a stable job and Mrs. Lawrence was a much more forgiving mistress than many other women in the city were.] I find sour and conflicting to be rather conflicting traits and how so is she forgiving? What actions cause the narrator to see her that way?
[Without hesitating, I knocked on the door of the study and Mrs. Lawrence opened it. "Come in, Elinor." She smiled tightly.] I don’t understand why the narrator has to meet her in the office. What’s the point? If she wants to speak in private why doesn’t she shoo the other people in the room, or just led her directly to the office. I don’t really see the point in having to wait ten minutes.
Overall, I do like how you take a stab at imagery and I like how you describe things using smell. You do a decent job at introducing your setting, but I do think you need to work on your characters a bit. I didn't really get that "harsh" feeling from Mrs. Lawrence as much as I would have liked and the main character wasn't much memorable either, but practice does make perfect, and do have a decent start of a story.
| Jainblu chapter 2 . 8/11/2010
Hiya Ade :p
I'm on the move. Just wanted to leave a quick review though. Liked this. Think its v. Balanceds. Bit with old lady. V. Good. She seems like an interesting character.
Love how settled nor is, and lovin' how her nickname's incorporated into the title. I wonder where neither will turn up!
| Jainblu chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
Hi Ade :P
N.B. this is a really long review btw.
Already I love the feel of this.
It reminds me of these old Tamora Pierce books I used to read, genre wise that is.
I love it. :)
I'm Reviewing as I read, because of how "scattered" my head is right now :P
N.B. I'll reply to your email when I have a bit more time :)
Also that bit about ignoring the man's complaint as she stepped on him with her heels, made me laugh. I think it's because of the amount of detail that went into it.
"Above me, the bright winter sun illuminated the square, showing people of all colors and walks of life."
I love the image that this line creates in my head. It makes me think of the little dots of the light spectrum, you see when the sun glints of bright white snow.
I love the details. It just shows that you spent a lot of time on this, it really shines through how much effort you put into it, and it makes reading it that much more enjoyable. :) (plus it sort of means that one has to review, doesn't it? ;) )
m warm bread. I could actually almost smell it as i was reading it. Even just the prologue is a joy to read. I'm so excited to read the next chapter, but I'm taking my time to read it, because i actually don't want to miss out on any of the lovely details you've spent so much time weaving in to the story.
Even just that paragraph where our mc says "teh usual" lets you know so much. Like she frequents teh stall regularly, she may have a bit of a 'sweet tooth', she's probably quite observant. I love this!.
(sorry for any mistakes you see in this, I'm taking my time, but i'm time conscious at the same time ;) )
AS our MC's going through the alley way, i Imagine she's some sort of servant or something (not sure if i got that from teh summary or from reading though)
Yeah, definitely getting that vibe from reading, considering cook is telling her stuff. (if you didn't notice, i've forgotten teh mc's name. talk about 'scattered' )
Oh, her name is Elinor. That's good to know :)
:O an unhappy mistress means unhappy servants.
I love how Elinor describes Adela Lawrence. plus I love Mrs Lawrence's name, it's quite literally one letter away from mine. lol. I might just develop a soft spot for the sour mistress just because of that :P
It makes more sense that ELinor's observant actually, what with her position in teh house etc.
Adela's! I can actually see a bit of her thought process behind her behaviour. Like why she waited before she announced whatever it was she wanted to announce, she probably wanted to observe Elinor.
Wow, short notice much. Guessing that the time/ place M. Lawrence is living in means she has to be watchful and/ or careful about teh things she does. I wonder what the political situation is like actually then, it must be unsteady.
Oh wow, you really have put lots and lots of thought into this.
That's so awesome!
" I earned curses that were not fit for the ears of a woman from the driver of carriage who had to swerve to avoid me." typo... driver of a carriage- only spotted it cause im reading so slowly.
Wow. I know what ubiquitous means, but i looked it up in the dictionary anyway. It told me its a mid 19th century word. Is taht a hint as to the time period?
This is so well thought out. :)
'nother typo "There no room in my panicked mind for caution"
Wow. Way to leave it on a cliff hanger. lol
I have to go pray, but i want to read chapter one. gosh.
Guess it will just have to keep for tomorrow.
I really enjoyed this.
| YasuRan chapter 3 . 8/10/2010
What kind of self-respecting man slaps a woman for no reason? *scowls at Jay*
Better than the last chapter so props to you for taking concrit well. Lidyaa sounds quite interesting. And this potion, hmm. I have a feeling Nor's going to need any extra luck in the future.
Writing-wise, you have improved as I said earlier. Although there were some places where the descriptions could have used a bit of flare like Lidyaa's room for instance. All you really need is a burst of creativity to pop up with some good ones, I'm sure :)
| Graham Clark chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
You have a very lovely way of writing! The beginning was a little rough, but it all started flowing smoothly after that. Your dialogue is great, but you might want to watch the pacing because the ending felt kind of rushed. Still, great cliffhanger! I think I might keep an eye on this :)
| garishsun chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
I liked the the description and prose. It flowed quite beautifully and painted an image in my head. The pace was also nice and slow. However, at some points, you overused adverbs and overdid the adjectives. Sometimes simple is enough. For example, when you say "I successfully navigated the alley", successfully seems to be a bit much.
| Adrenalin chapter 2 . 8/7/2010
After having read the prologue, I feel that the balance between dialog and action is not exactly great here. There's too much of the first, I think, and the pace is a little too slow.
Your descriptions are too matter-of-fact: for example, instead of telling us that Elinor shares a room with Claire, why not have her be relieved to be out of the stuffy little room where none of them had room enough to move freely? (That's just a suggestion, of course).
If I get the time frame right, I don't think a bakery would have such space, especially one in such a neighborhood that would be the home of pickpockets. It would be more logical if there was only one room shared between all the inhabitants, two at the upmost. According to your description there are at least four, which makes it an awfully large bakery. Besides, if the guys own the buildings, why would they bother with robbery in the first place?
I hope I've not been too critical and that this will help you.
| HiddenFromYou chapter 2 . 8/6/2010
You've obviously thought a lot about the dialogue you've got for your characters. It fits them and the time frame you're using very well.
I have to say though, that you really should pick up the pace. You seem to be saying an awful lot and not doing much, if you know what I mean.
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
I'm torn between whether I like the beginning or not. First of all, the first paragraph is a great hook and you create a good scene. But then you instantly move into a more calm, less hooking setting, which leaves the reader wondering what happened. Also, are the first three paragraphs meant to be in italics? If so, why?
You drag out Elinor's movements far too much, and they slow down the pace of the story. You could cut out most of them altogether, as they needlessly clutter up the story.
I felt this chapter was a bit on the long side. As not much fast paced action happens, it takes a great deal for the reader to keep their attention on the story.
You have a nice ending to this chapter. It build suspense and is a good cliff hanger.