Wow, what a history. What is it about Mark? Tim was clearly crazy, but seems Mark could match and raise on that one. He's got a heart under there though. He's capable of causing trouble, but he seems to be fending that off for now. His history had impact, I didn't expect it at all. Very nice. Though he did scare off Kate.

"Five years ago," I began, "Me and Jason lived in the same neighborhood. Down in Virginia, his dad and mine were teaching at the same college."

... Seeing as he's been here for six years (he says so to Danielle in the previous chapter) I'm assuming him and Jason were friend here and not in Virginia?

few stuffs:

"pushing Ice back a bit, The latter" - fullstop

"I told him he didn't have to go through anything I maybe get hurt." - last part of this sentence doesn't make sense to me...

"Ha, boys got you there," - boy[']s

Hm, seems I'm not the only one asking questions. I might not like Kate right now, but she's asking the right questions. Andrew is amusing (and shockingly I'm the same height O.O damn genes) Does Mark always speak to Ice and Cross out loud? Because obviously they know what he's thinking, so he doesn't really need to voice his thoughts. Though I guess it relieves more stress talking out loud, and all that italics will make the world tilt.

Only one fix:

"back there now with a class transfer now" - there are one too many "now"s in that sentence.

Mark is such a bad ass at the end... that's the sort of thing you imagine doing but never actually follow through on. I'd still like to know what happened with Jason. Otherwise this is fun so far. This chapter gave us a look into Mark's life. The dreams are another mystery though...the plot thickens :D (grins in anticipation)

Okay, tentative corrections:

"Your hold is only aloud to go so far." - "aloud" should be "allowed"

"flirting in and out like a shadow" - somehow "flitting" seems like the right word here (to flit is to dart? I get what you're saying though)

"my mothers room"; "my fathers room" - mother[']s ; father[']s

"your just the perfect picture" - you[']re

"Stop holding grudges and being some melodramatic," - 'some' should be 'so'

"I got some stares from passer bys" - passersby is the correct way of typing it, I think. Passerby, passersby

I've decided to refer to his alter-egos, or his angel and devil as Pride (left) and Patience (right). Ones passvie, the other agressive. One rational, the other emotional. I enjoy them so much. Gah! You've outdone yourself, this was a really enjoyable chapter. It lured me away from my studies and sucked me in from the start.

Oh, and it wasn't too hard to keep track of who was left and who was right. I have a feeling their opinions aren't always going to be perfectly black or white either. I can't wait for that. And they have the same face, happy sigh. Cool outfits. Awesome story idea. I'm tempted to read the next chapter right away!

Also, the character names mentioned so far are interesting, even if I won't try pronouncing them out loud, the surnames in any case, for fear of getting them wrong.

Good job!

Peace,

A

I was far more impressed with chapter four than three. Still, there is a lack of imagery outside of certain parts. In the explanation scene, you gave a decent amount of descriptiveness, but the rest of the story still seems like an outline.

The reader is still being deprived of a significant amount of information. I know the scenery might not be that important all the time, but every now and then, it'd be nice to see what's going on.

Other than that, the basic story is still intriguing; but you're skipping so many details that this seems more like an outline.

I think this story has an interesting concept, especially with the opposing 'left' and 'right' sides talking to Mark. It's personified madness. I like the concept and now I imagine what problems it must bring him. I also wonder exactly what happened between Mark and Jason, they seem to have a cool-warm sort of relationship. I'm also curious about this Emily character's significance in the plot.

I think it might be a good idea to work on paragraph length. I noticed some of the sentences could be in the same paragraph rather than separate lines. Also it might be a good idea to add some description between each bit of dialogue to make it seem less like a script, unless that's what you're aiming for.

Overall, it seems like an interesting concept and I'm sure the story development will be great.

Well... that was crepy. I kinda feel bad for Kate since she heard it, although, the words themselves, even thought they were terrible, didn't exxactly seem horrifying. Maybe it was the words and the way he'd said them? That was probably it, since he'd said that it sounde more like ice then him talking.

Still scared of Ice.

Still love Cross!

I don't know what I think of Jason anymore, I feel bad that it happened to him, but trying to kill himself? He should have been happy to survive in the first place. and as far as the whole teasing thing went, he could have just said that he'd gotten it from fighting people and just been like 'and their scars are worse! So back off unless you want even worse scars then me and them combined!' That would have shut them up.

I feel so bad for Mark! I don't think he'd meant for it to have gone that far. And he just did it for the girl he'd liked, it pissed him off, it's somewhat understandable.

Does he have some kind of powers or something?

Has he been like that his entire life? Even since he was a baby?

Do his parents know about Ice and Cross? Or is she too drunk and he's not around often enough to notice?

Great chapter, can't wait to read more! ]

OMG I'm so happy for the new chapter! Yay! I'm really loving this story!

OMG I have no idea why but I love Andrew, maybe because he doesn't care that Mark is a little... off.

Danielle seems cool.

OMG I hate Brian! I'm kinda hoping Mark will beat him up! He should get whats going to him. then again, it wouldn't be good for Mark... or Andrew... or, anyone else really.

Kate... What the Hell? Why does she care what happened to Jason. If I were Mark I'd just be like 'no' and just ignore her and walk away.

I still love Cross.

Ice still scares me.

And I like Mark... I feel bad that he has to conflict with the other to so much.

Anyways, this was great, keep going! XD

There are a few grammar mistakes I didn't point out the first time, like using "aloud," which means capable of being heard, instead of "allowed," which means to have permission, but those can be caught by a proofreader. I'm not going to hound you about those.

Some of your statements are awkward and make no sense. The good news is, these are few and far between.

[I was sitting in a room.

That in itself was not odd. After all, I had sat in many rooms. This one was wooden; tall enough that the ceiling faded away into an empty blackness.]

This is one example. To say that sitting in a room is not odd is a very strange thing to say. An average person would think, "Duh! Of course sitting in a room isn't odd! Most of the time, we're in one room or another!" At least, that is, until the description is given. The strangeness of the room is then apparent. There are ways to rewrite it to have the same intended effect, but not sound strange.

"Ordinarily, sitting in a room is not odd; but when the floor and walls are completely wooden, and the ceiling fades away into an empty blackness, it is. I was in such a room."

That's just my attempt at a re-write. See how I got the same message across (the room being weird, but the sitting in the room is not weird) but in a way that didn't sound confusing? Read some of your sentences to yourself in a mirror and see if you think they are strange. Most of the time, you'll catch them.

Hope to catch chapter three tomorrow; right now I'm going to bed. Good work so far! I want to read more.

I like the aggressive nature of this story; you don't mess around. You are willing to shout at the reader if necessary. The problem is, some parts lack balance. For example, a few of your lines are overly dramatic. Drama is a good thing, believe me; you just need to rein it in a bit.

["FOOLS!" hissed the one on the left.] This line is a good example. I understand that this is just the character's personality, but if there's one thing that irks me, it's the lack of buildup. I like this line, because it strikes me as somewhat amusing. That may be not be the emotion you seek, but that's why I like it. But a line like this needs more buildup than it gets. Give us a little more of a hint that something this dramatic is coming our way. After all, it is a bit distracting in movies, for example, when a character is overacting.

The biggest complaint I have about this story so far, is the lack of descriptiveness present in the chapter. You don't seem to describe very much of the surroundings. Now, you might believe them unimportant, but even in a scene such as this, it would help to give us a feel for what is going on around them. We can paint a better picture if we know what the background looks like.

This story has a lot of promise and I'm liking the pull-no-punches approach; it just needs a bit of polishing.

wow. this kid needs help. like not just therapy or anything, but i think hes skitsofrentic. im not sure if thats how you spell it , but yeah. when i was reading this i was listening to "Azula's Theme" from Avatar The Last Airbender, so you can tell how it seemed epic in my mind.

i would like reviews on my story The Two Sleeping Dragons, thank you. and dont worry, its not really about dragons. thank you,

The White Wolf.

I love Cross, he's so cool! D Ice scares me a bit though... O_o I'm glad Mark didn't kill the guy, thats good. I still feel bad for Mark, is he actually insane? *confused* Either way, good chapter!

I feel bad for Mark, but at least instead of someone telling him to do bad, he also has someone teling him to do good. Why would guy on the right have angel wings? He's not very nice. I love left guy though, he's cool. I seriously need to know there names! i hope they're cool names... but I know they will be! lol anyways good writing! ]

...

he chucked the book... through the window... ahahahahaha.

This chapter started off a little slow, but quickly picked up, it was great to know more about Mark and the act was great, can't wait to see the fallout.

Hey,

Wow, a more intense chapter than before! I liked this one more than the other. Your writing has noticeably improved since the last chapter; the tense doesn't change so much, and you're descriptions are even more believable than before.

Giving 'left' and 'right' proper names was a very good idea. It was a lot less confusing this way, and made it more... easy to follow. It flowed a lot better this way, so well done.

This was a really good second chapter, a fantastic continuation. Well done, and keep at it!

ranDUMM