|Reviews for Pakui Dies|
| HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 8/14/2010
This is the required review from the competition. :)
This was a decent parody, and that's all it could ever be. The first time I read this through I thought it was serious, and I got a little worried. XD
The point of this story was that it was one big cliche, so I can't really fault you on that, as you meant to write it. I still think, however, that you could have got enough serious writing into it to make a little more appealing and smooth. While the content may be cliche and get away with it because it's a parody, that's no excuse for the writing to be sloppy. For example, you could have put a hook in the beginning and the end, rather than having cliche cover to cover. Or made the cousin a little bit more scornful. Or made the review not cliche at all.
"Pakui collectors items sat on the shelf, staring at the girl searching the internet, reading what she found." - I think you can cut the 'reading what she found' altogether. It makes the sentence seem jumpy, and as it's near the beginning of the story, that's the last thing you want.
"Also, the Pakui posters also stared out, their eyes motionless." - Cut one of the 'also's, as you're just repeating yourself. Also, you're rather stating the obvious when you say the characters' eyes are motionless.
"A smile spread on her face" - I think it's meant to be 'a smile spread across her face'.
"latest fanfiction story for the fandom Pakui belonged to." - An incomplete sentence.
"she read, was the" - Unneeded comma.
"going wide, as she" - Unneeded comma.
"What is it Ashley?" - Comma needed before the word 'Ashley'.
"I just am reading!" - A very awkward sentence. If it's not deliberate, say it out loud and hear how weird it sounds.
"for helping you," - Question mark instead of a comma needed.
"A period of silence occurred." - What with the simple language used around it, this sentence really feels out of place. I recommend sticking to one level of language throughout a story, unless you have a real reason for it changing.
"the fanfic Ashley" - Comma needed before the word 'Ashley'.
"accept review" - Should be 'reviews' as you require the plural.
Drawing on an earlier point, I would have liked the review left, as that's what the story's been building up to, to be something special, which I'm afraid it isn't.
As you can see from my review, there are several mistakes and errors. Nothing a good beta reader couldn't solve, but they still ruin the story somewhat.
| McGonagall's Bola chapter 1 . 8/1/2010
There are many types of deception in here. I especially liked the fact that the 'older cousin' is first talking about how much shit fan-fiction is, then appears to have an account himself. Well done!
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 8/1/2010
Ohh, love the not-so-subtle references to Fanfiction. Some fangirls really deserve to be lampooned XD
Really funny. I liked the opening scene a lot with Ashley's obsession with Pakui on full display. Quite eerie with the eyes peering out from everywhere. Just one little mistake: you confused 'your' and 'you're' in one case. 'Your' is used to show someone owns something ('your pen') while 'you're' is contracted from 'you are' ('you're pretty').
Apart from that, quite entertaining :)
| TK Anez chapter 1 . 8/1/2010
I thought this was a really funny and sweet short story. I love the interactions between the characters and the 'troll' part made me laugh. Maybe you could check out my story, Ishiki. I'd love to hear your opinion on it :)