|Reviews for Tell Your Eyes|
| berley chapter 1 . 4/17/2011
Okay. I had to read this about three times out loud to allow myself to really get into the flow of the piece, which is when I started to really enjoy it. At first it was a little stop and go, but that was probably because I needed a few run throughs to get used to the lack of punctuation. I loved the lack of punctuation by the way, it made me read the first line normal, and then I found myself speeding up and reading the piece really fast and almost monotone which really added to it for me. It was almost exciting and I wish I had a larger lung capacity so that I could read the entire thing without stopping to take any breaths.
“you know what it should be raining today…that it becomes her downfall and I fucking hate her ugly fat putrid hairy ass”
- I love this first bit. Like I said before I read up to about ‘downfall’ and a relatively normal pace, but as soon as the swearing came in that’s when I started to naturally just speed up. You even start to develop a nice rhythm here as well, which of course starts to break up a bit when the swearing starts, but it doesn’t have a negative effect on the piece at all. I also like that you didn’t start the excessive swearing until after the first line or two, when the narrator starts talking about ‘her’. It helps build the anger the narrator is feeling. I liked it.
I think my favourite part of this piece was just how it reminds me perfectly of being drunk and angry at someone, or a situation. The amount of swearing you put in, the run on sentences with no punctuation, and the type of insults (slut, left nut, STDs) just captured that ‘essence’ perfectly. It’s such a typical thing that someone would say when they had drank too much and who was just pissed off at the world or someone. I didn’t find it insulting at all, I actually love the line about the girl having STDs and the narrator not putting his dick anywhere near her, how he was too classy for her. It’s a comment that totally pisses me off because everyone says it, and it’s so typical and ridiculous, so I thought it fit in perfectly with this piece and the type of narrator that was speaking. Of course SHE’S the std filled slut. Ya know what I mean? Awesome job with that.
I think what I preferably would have liked was for the swearing to be a bit lighter at the beginning, and to get heavier and more intense as the piece went on. Kind of like the narrator was getting more and more drunk and angry and pissed off as the piece continued to the point where the last line of the piece was just swearing and insults. Though, I really do like the last line about their eyes shutting the fuck up because he’s too drunk to listen to them or take their shit. Again, it just gives the piece such an angry drunk feel. I really liked it.
When you first look at the piece it just seems like a lot of pointless swearing and insults, but that is definitely not the case. You manage to carry a solid theme, flow and message realistically in a very short piece, which is pretty impressive. It’s simple, and full of raw human emotion that I think a lot of people can relate to, or have at least seen in the past before. It’s different, and I really liked it.
| Stephanie M. Moore chapter 1 . 3/26/2011
You know- that was interesting.
I like the lack of punctuation. It makes everything feel off-the-cuff and contributes to the emotion of the poem. But compressing it into a single paragraph forces your reader to focus and follow it line-by-line. Perhaps that was what you were aiming for, but it makes it harder to read.
It's interesting that you chose anger for this situation- usually, it is the sad, "it's over" dribble. But your anger is palpable. It's very nice.
The language is a bit heavy, but I don't mind too much, I think, even though it's a bit shocking. Still, it almost makes me want to cringe by how jarring it is.
I noticed that about half-way through you switched from referring to your object as "she/her" to "you/your." I admit, I'm a bit confused by it. Is your speaker talking to her during this? Then again, I haven't done much with poetry in a while, so I may just be looking at this through the wrong lens.
This was definitely different than what I'm used to reading, but I think you did a good job with it.
| singer22498 chapter 1 . 3/26/2011
wow. that is really all i can say...
well.. it was a very nice way of saying you're angry and standing up for your friend. I like how it sounds like you are rambling on to someone.
however, I think that as you continually said swear words and insults throughout the poem kid of ruins the anger. Near the end it just sounds like you are extremely drunk yelling swear words lol.
Overall, it was okay for me.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 1/29/2011
Punctuation and grammar- I loved the poetry-prose style of this, the decision to not use any punctuation can be a been daunting at first glance, but I think you executed it quite well. The use to all pay no mind to sentence structure as far as capitalizing anything but "I" made that stick out as a subject and character a bit more-which was good because I felt the meaning of this poetry prose was very "I" centered, though a cool idea, if you wanted to put emphasis on any of the other words, you could capitalize them to catch the reader's eye and signify an subject that would be as important as the "I".
Descriptions/images- The above being said, XD, I have to say the images in this were really jarring. I can get more into it with enjoyment, but you really captured a shock-factor here. The mind of the character contributes, I think-dirty character, dirty descriptions coming from the speaker. Though jarring, the images were extremely strong and I liked that because it *definitley* catches your interest and you probably generate a few slow moving jaw-drops as the reader continues, so that's always a plus-shocking can be fun.
Flow- Well this one's quite obvious, I thought I'd just have to say something about it-there's definitley flow here. Now rhythm is another thing I think, and it did sort of stop-start me a few times, because merely taking out the punctuation won't make a poetry prose perfect in flow, of course. The stop/start motion of some of the sentence fragments of thoughts, though, contributed to the meaning and the character you created (let's hope it was a character), and I think you definitley reflected the drunk stream of consciousness of the modern chauvinist pig man pretty spot-on-to a point where using punctuation to even out the stop/start motions of flow just would have been out of that character and thus unwise.
Enjoyment- I have to say, you know, I did like this Patrick. I mean, it was hard for me to keep reading at parts, but approaching it from an authorial context to hopefully expose how bad and terrible some guys can be towards objectifying women is something that I respect and I think needs to be revealed. I like that I get a sense of "traitorous identity" here-which is when a guy will kind of step up and say "do you see the sexism or why this is bad in this situation?" in the company of other men (yeah it's a real term, XD) and that was pretty cool. But like I said, I was cringing at times, you definitley had me cringing in the bold in-your-face description, but it worked. I think you definitley got away with it.
| Twyla Cole chapter 1 . 1/27/2011
Alright. So no punctuation. Meant to be the rambling, liquor ridden train of thought of a man with nothing but a bar stool, right? OK. This has an interesting effect of the reader. Just to be able to read through the reader has to seriously concentrate to discern what is what, and what means what. Which is funny, because supposedly these thoughts take no effort for the speaker, they just flow right out. Definitely gave the effect of trying to decipher the drunken roommate's requests.
I like it for the convention and format. As for the point, I think I get it but I think it also might drown a little in the giant ass sentence. (excuse my language)
By the way, I didn't leave this for the review game. I find you to be an intriguing writer and would love to hear any thoughts you have on anything of mine.
| Bonjour Skitty chapter 1 . 10/11/2010
Punctuation: Although grammatically incorrect, I do believe the lack of punctuation works well with this poem. I can almost match a voice with the incoherent ramblings of an angry drunk man. At least in my experience, it is true that many of them speak in run-on sentences.
Word choice: I'm usually not a fan of excess profanity in poetry, but it's perfect in this context. Even the few places where verb tense was incorrect seemed true to nature. It would have been out-of-character to speak in pretty language and poetic imagery.
Enjoyment: I'm going to admit, I felt annoyed while reading this, but me clarify why. It is a sign of your success as an author. The speaker, in his drunken stupor, would grate my nerves in person too. I feel pity for him, but at the same time, want to slap the booze from his breath. It's brilliant that you created such an appreciation and disdain for this poem.
Flow: Overall, I believe it flowed together well. With your format, one thought ran straight into another without any interruption or time to think, "should I be saying this or not?" I have no complaints.
| backseat compromises chapter 1 . 10/1/2010
For some reason, this makes me think of American Psycho, hm. Anyway I love how this flowed (wow, one long run-on line!) and i like how one thing shifted to another in a very stream of consciousness style
| diwu6398 chapter 1 . 8/18/2010
Well, I don't think that your rules of rhythm breaths apply to this poem. Because if they did, I'd be having trouble breathing right now. I did like the lack of punctuation and stuff, but while you may have meant for it to look like a rant, it made it sort of hard to read. But I did like it and it was very angsty in a kind of humorous way, if you know what I mean. I think you're fluent in expletive.
Oh, I figured out why I didn't understand you earlier. It's because you left out the word 'if.'
| lipleaf chapter 1 . 8/15/2010
Flow: The flow this poem has is probably one of my favorite things about it. There's no punctuation at all, and while this usually bugs me, you pulled it off very well. Everything just runs together into a stream-of-conscience monologue and it all feels real in a special kind of way, like you sat down and put all of your emotions into one piece. The pace is fast and almost brutal, an onslaught of thoughts, and once you get started you can't stop until you're done because it just takes you under and drags you along before abruptly spitting you out.
Descriptions: Your descriptions were certainly unique and I found them to be pretty interesting. The images you create enhance the mood of the poem greatly. Some of my favorite parts were "because the suns making a goddamn mockery of us," "before I drop a few punches on you and then some more pointless profanity into this bottomless well-grave," and "heaven and hell are my left and right nuts so you can suck on those while you're at it." The last one was just so new.
Tone: The speaker's tone throughout the piece was very mocking and sarcastic and flippant. I loved it. It perfectly captures those dirty little secrets and thoughts that everyone has but will never voice out loud, because that's just not proper. You managed to take all of these unvoiced feelings and express them eloquently and certainly without sugarcoating. Using profanity this liberally usually backfires and makes the poem seem almost juvenile, but it only emphasized the emotions in this piece. The contradicting thoughts are also nicely done. Sometimes we curse our best friends and people will almost always scorn what they can't have.
Punctuation/Grammar: Well, you obviously decided to throw the rules of the English language out the window on this one. And I think it works. Punctuation and capitalization are often disregarded in poetry, but I would typically at least be irked by the lack of apostrophes in the contractions. But in this case, leaving out all of the "proper" stuff gives the piece the devil-may-care attitude that it needs for the content it has. It fits perfectly with the mood- fuck you and whatever you think, I don't give a damn. Well done.
| drink me pretty chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
if profanity were an art form,
you'd be a master.
angry, desolate, and strangely invigorating.
nice work (for a run-on sentence).
| deefective chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
I like, I like, I like! So much! You really let loose in this piece and it shows. Gahd. This was awesome. Maybe I'm just an adrenaline junkie but I was getting all riled up just reading this. You did a great job of portraying the savagery of emotions throughout. It wasn't overdone or trying too hard and it really hit hard in all the right places. I can't even explain how much I loved the fact that there was no punctuation or anything throughout. It's like flowing lava, hot and uninterrupted, burning everything in its way. I felt like the words were self destructing seconds after I read them and I was leaving behind a trail of crispy, burned letters. Lovely. And this is so poetic in the rawest sense of the word. I love rawness like this and you pulled it off. My favourite line was:
"Im no poet Im the fucking king of the entire world and heaven and hell are my right and left nuts so you can suck on those while youre at it"
I can't even describe all the badassery in that single line. Haha, it sounds like something I would say and I love it. This style of prose is very particular and sometimes it's hard to get imagery across but you managed to. I could picture this scene quite clearly yet at the same time you left out enough things so I could construct the rest myself. Clever. I loved the profanity in this as well. Besides the fact that I swear like a sailor all the time, it was useful in this. It wasn't just pointless, "trying-to-be-hard" crap. It was real and put in all the right places. My favourite from you so far. Nicely done.