I don't usually like this sort of language as I find it very tiring to read through, but I'm undecided about this one. In the first half writing flowed well and in the second not so much. The word choice seemed smoother in the first half, which obviously helped.

The opening feels natural and may even be a little cliche, but it set the poem up well and didn't feel too heavy. The third line's end is a little harder to read through, but not to any great extent.

Most of the stylistic words (chop'd/bring'st/drop'd) were at the ends of the lines and I thought the poem could have benefited from them having a more random placement. I think this would further the disconnected feel you create, which would make for better reading.

The ending reads awkwardly though (Death's breath hath blewn). It sounds like one of those phrases you try to say really fast over and over again because it doesn't role off the tongue easily. For an ending to the poem, it really felt out-of-place and I didn't like it.

I really enjoyed the voice in this – you kept it continuous and steady throughout, which is not easy to do when you are preparing a traditional work, so good job with that. The length was also really good as well, anything longer and I think it might have dragged the piece down, keeping a modern readers attention on this sort of thing can be difficult so length – at least for me – is better if it’s kept short.

I also really liked how you kept it abstract in some places; it did give the piece a flavor that I’ve not encountered before, so again, nicely done. “Oh heaven sent? thou wretched mortal thing…” Loved this opening, but maybe just ‘O’ rather than “OH” might be more appropriate to the voice/structure of the piece, but of course, artistic license is up to you.

The second and third stanza’s made me envision a woman giving birth “from my breast/rough-hem hands” all made me think of labor, both the physical act, as well as the emotional/spiritual depths of actually becoming a mother. What also follows makes me think that that child died, the speaker seems to have gone from a voice of jubilation to a voice of grief.

The ending of the piece was also well written. I liked you allusion to color: “red/gold” and the use of simply “red/gold” and not a more flowery showy word (also going good with the vibe of the piece). “Where the pallor deaths breath hath blewn.” You concluding line was also very powerful, though maybe “blown” would sound a little smother?. Overall nicely done. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.

*chuckles* maybe I'm just a guy but my first thought was drunk sex. Hope that's what you wanted me to think. Although, it doesn't sound too pleasant...hum...

I liked the word choice, but what struck me about this was the use of punctuation and capitalization. The two dashes - I would actually remove them both and perhaps replace that second one with a period. You don't use them consistently throughout and they make the flow choppy. In another spot you use a cap after an ! but in the first line you don't. You capitalize Death, but not Thou...

Overall interesting. I like the concept behind it.

I like the abstractness of this. You seem to weave little clues as to what's happening in with the writing without actually telling the reader what's going on, and I really like that.

I'm torn about the lack of punctuation though. On one hand, the lack of full stops at the end of sentences sets of the mood of the piece very well; it's almost as if the character's in such a rush they've forgotten them. However, the lack of punctuation in the long lines makes them a little hard to read, as the reader doesn't know where to pause.

Overall though, I'm intrigued. :)

Hm, very interesting. This is very dramatic and theatrical, almost. The latter most probably due to all the old time language and Shakespearean feel. I liked that, though. It feels very antique in a raw kind of way. The emotion is there and you did a good job of getting it across. There wasn't a line that fell short or lacking of that dramatic tension and the raw desolation tone in the narrator's voice, which was great. The imagery was fantastic. It kept with the dramatic tone but I felt a gentleness to some of your lines. For example:

"Upon thou, iv'ry throat, chilled as stone -"

There's something very still and beautiful about that line. Like a scene frozen in time. Very nice. One thing I would've loved to see more of though would be word play. You did a good job here but I feel like you could give more. You could be more clever and weave the words better. The flow was good but it wasn't all silky smooth. I liked the rhyme scheme in this because I didn't expect it and also because it wasn't cliche. It had that old-time English ring to it but you chose your words nicely and they went well together. It also didn't feel like you were trying very hard either, which is great. Overall, nicely done.