Reviews for Jim
InebriatedOne chapter 1 . 10/13/2010
Overall not bad. I think it could use some 'tightening up" here and there...and the shifts in view are a little off...an easy fix. (too many perspectives..."I" "You" "He" "Mom'.

I guess it is a personal thing, but to me poetry should portray the writers point of view, or the main character's, not both, and every time I come on the word "you" or "your" I think it is a cheap attempt to put the reader as a part of poem (or story). Again an easy fix.

All that said...you have some good phases and strong imagery.
Adrenalin chapter 1 . 9/3/2010
I really liked the pace of this poem. There was no stop, even if there were some rather abrupt transitions. I even liked the abruptness of those, cause it matched the sort of vagueness one gets when high. I sorta could relate with the character and I got the impression he couldn't fix his attention on something for long.

Favorite part:

'He will recover, sprout again./

And this time the seeds won't rot and the smell won't pinch the hairs in your nose./

Good kid. Good stuff.'

I'm not so fond of the part concerning Hell, it felt a little clichéd, the 'you're already here' part.

I liked that you finished your poem with the same sentence as the one you started it with. I thought it tied it down neatly in a circle, and if I was prone to detailed analysis, I would almost make a parallel with how his life runs in circles too (getting drugs - getting high - needing more - looking for drugs - getting drugs etc) but it seems more like a downward spiral anyway.

Good job,

Lea
thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
This is the second piece I've read about drugs this morning, and I'm impressed (although, really, you shouldn't have expected anything different).

I really enjoy the lyrical tone you use here; for once, this is not the Standard Voice of Dee. It is a little bit of a departure from your normal tone, but let me be the first to say that it absolutely worked.

Your focus was interesting here - you were not so much fixated on the actual drug addiction; at the end of your poem, your readers see that you considered that aspect of your poem a given. What really bothers you (maybe - I'm treading on unsteady ground from here on out) is that even though something as terrible as a drug addiction defined him, you are sad to see Jim discard his own past actions and leave them all behind, regardless of the effect that he had on him. You loathe that he gave up his individuality, what it seemed to you gave him purpose, just because the world around him tells him to do so.

I think.

Anyway, great work on this piece. Someday, I'm going to actually review everything you've written. I'd feel like such a badass if that ever happened.

Also, maybe this is just me being hopeful, but did I catch an allusion to one of my favorite poems (We Real Cool, Gwendolyn Brooks)?

-thewhimsicalbard
Faithless Juliet chapter 1 . 8/6/2010
The beginning and concluding image was very striking. There’s something so delicate and child-like about a boy in a top hat and black jacket. It makes me think of little kids, or a very young man at the very least in a state, that at least for me is completely pure. It was a very strong comparison with the rest of the piece and how this boy is anything but pure in his circumstances, though he is not a bad character I think, just a misguided soul.

You had some phenomenal verses in this – truly the piece as a whole was visually stunning. But I think the most strongest for me was: “Fresh coke in his hand and his nipples are pink” which I’m sure you’ll agree as well since you put it in your summary (nothing like grabbing a reader’s attention, ah?) I like it because the coke imagery is so raw (but literally and metaphorically) but the nipples being pink, as I said before made me think of purity, perhaps it was from being exposed, or just the word use of ‘pink’ but I found several strong light/dark imagery aspects in this. Excellent job with this. Keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.
purplehost chapter 1 . 8/3/2010
I'm no good at interpretation when it comes to poetry, so I can't offer an intelligent compliment. So I'll have to settle for the inane "that was good, I liked it.". But I'll refrain for the smiley face. This isn't the smiley face kind of poem. All and all, to me it was just intense.