Reviews for A memory of childhood: Faustine
thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 2/10/2011
Wow this is a really powerful piece of work. Dialog was brilliant - smooth to read and flowed really well. Her voice was consistent throughout. Emotions of the father, as well as the child were portrayed extremely well - amazing!

x mandy
sophiesix chapter 1 . 8/13/2010
oh, i like how you use their creepy ability as a lure, build up the tension and then lead into teh reveal! i lilked teh way you painted their characters, especally how teh mother was the weak one and teh child the more powerful. I was totally expecting teh dad not to be able to see the mother at teh end there, like she'd committed suicide or something and was now one of the ghosts, but thats just me and my melodrama, your ending was much motre realistic! good luck in teh WCC!
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
I love how you hooked us with the 'You know she'll find us' theme. It really brought up the tension and made me think.

I also liked the conversation between Faustine and her father, and you did a good job describing Faustine's conflicting emotions at the end. Very real.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
No one but someone like me could have realized with such clarity that she was not the one using her eyes to look at me.

-This was my favourite line in the entire piece. I think this line tied in the prompt quite nicely and had a chilling effect

So far, you’re the only participant I’ve seen who’s used the prompt in such a straightforward manner. I think you balanced dialogue and description quite nicely; I never felt myself growing tired or bored of anything that was happening.

The plot is definitely interesting, but for some reason I don’t sympathize with any of the characters. The only moment I felt my emotions stirred, was when I realized the father was going to leave the child. I think you climbed inside of the child’s head well enough, but I felt like there could have been something more that made me reach out and feel for your characters.

Your dialogue was a joy to read; it was smooth and realistic. I especially enjoyed the voice of the father. He would call her “child” or “love” and I thought it had a great tone to it.

Overall this was a good read. Best of luck in this month’s WCC!

Edits

I didn't protest that I didn't even talk English or that it was on another continent altogether

-Personal: I understand that you may be trying to convey the child’s lack of grace with the English language, but I still think you could change “talk English” to “speak English”.

Like she always find us when we're separated in a crowd or when I'm lost at the supermarket.

-Edit: Throw an “s” at the end of “find”.

I doubted that she would bother looking for him if I wasn't been with him...

-Edit: Remove “been” or change “wasn’t” to “hadn’t”.

"You think she's mad, but she's not, dad! She really sees them!"

-Personal: I feel “dad” should read as “papa” or “father” here, since the narrator calls him either of those two titles throughout the rest of this piece. I don’t like the rhyme here because I feel like it detracts from the tone of the scene, but this is entirely up to your discretion.

I knew if he got some time, he would end up considering it my mother's fault.

-Personal: “got” reads too informally here, I find. Perhaps change it to “had”.

...because he couldn't get the exact feeling I had each time a new one entered my small word.

-Personal: Similar thing here. I find “get” could be changed to “comprehend, understand” or “grasp”.

"And why would she get possessed and you've never been?"

-Personal: Similar to my previous comment. “Become possessed” might read better.
RazorStar chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
I found this story pretty interesting, it makes me think if madness is inherited, or if Faustine is really sane, and the father is just not open to the idea of the supernatural. It did seem a little rushed at the end, and I think it would have been better without that large paragraph at the end. I thought this was done well, you didn't have any purple prose and Faustine did act her age. Very nice story, Adrenalin, I hope you continuing writing.

RZ, (Easy Fix review)
emmadotlouise chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
Hi!

[My father believed she was madder than the Hatter; but it took him six years to realize it and another six years before his fear of her actions got the better of his love.] - I love this line. It's a nice emphasis on the mother's madness and almost extrapolation of your timeline.

[I didn't protest that I didn't even talk English or that it was on another continent altogether] - to me, talk should be speak and you've used the word "didn't" twice in one sentence. Perhaps change it up to something like... "I didn't protest that I couldn't even speak English or that it was on another continent altogether"

[My mother was another matter, but between the two of them, never once in my life my 'whys' had been answered with 'Because that's how it is'.] - loved this too.

[I had inherited his hair – blond like the golden crops, I had once been told – but my features were like my mother's, as was about everything else in me. My father still hadn't realized that.] - lovely use of showing, letting the reader know what is happening instead of telling.

[He knelt down to my eyes' level.] - He knelt down so our eyes were on the same level/He knelt down so that we were looking each other in the eyes... something like that, this sentence is a little awkward, or knock off the s' from eyes.

[They were invasive and if you gave them the occasion, downright mean.] Occasion should be opportunity.

[And that day's my most vivid chil[d]hood memory.]- missed a D.

I throughly enjoyed this little story. The way you moved from the madness of a hatter to a woman who sees ghosts - the mother, not strong enough, and the daughter, too strong. It would be interesting to see how the daughter has developed later and if she can, in fact, help her mother overcome her weaknesses... or if, in later age, the daughter winds up going down the same path as the mother.

The characterisation was great - I liked the fact that you had that the daughter had the hair of the father and everything else was of the mother... and I also liked how the father played the unreasoning individual.

I'd like to see this progress further, but it looks like a one-shot, so nice work for what it is. You should try reading your work aloud though - it'll help you to catch those pesky double-ups on words and find the awkward-sounding sentences.

Thanks for sharing!
WinnieP chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
This was great - a truly delightful piece. You kept Faustine's voice consistent throughout the entire fic - it felt very much like a child and not an adult which I've seen sometimes happen in fics.

I really liked the way you interpreted the WCC challenge btw.

My only issue is that I feel it ends a bit quickly. We build up, get a boodybye, and a brief description of what happened - it would have been nicer to have more of a wind down.

But besides that I really liked it - the explanation of why Faustine wasn't like her mother was done well btw.

WinnieP
HiddenFromYou chapter 1 . 8/7/2010
This is awesome. You get the emotions of a child across very well, and you never once step out of character with Faustine's dialogue or inner thoughts.

The one thing that bothered me was this: "saw my father every two week-ends". You seem to have written in a style up to this point that supports an early 1900s time frame. Seeing your divorced father at weekends is very much a modern idea, and divorce was much frowned upon in the time frame.
Equilibrium chapter 1 . 8/7/2010
You really ought to win this writing contest. I'm going to see if I can vote for you.

First of all, the narrative voice was awesome. It was neither too whiny/angsty nor too dramatic (in a situation that does justify a little drama). I like that you've kept it understated, because it makes the story all the more poignant.

If I had one complaint (which I don't, really), it would be that the ending was too abrupt. Gradually bringing it to a close instead of giving a one-liner after the history update would have been very effective.

All in all, a great read. I look forward to reading more from you!
Aderyn Azula chapter 1 . 8/7/2010
This was pretty good. I"m curious as to what the prompt was, it caused you to write something very interesting.

You did a good job with emotions. I think they're very accurate, especially for how the father might feel.

One thing though. You wrote "my mother and him got a divorce" It should be "he and my mother got a divorce" but that's just a little thing