|Reviews for Four Months|
| anonymous reviewer chapter 1 . 10/16/2011
It was a good read, thanks! A little haunting though. Like, wouldn't she worry the book would get its payback? Thing seems like it's haunted.
| lookingwest chapter 1 . 2/4/2011
"I know it's probably creepy of me to say this..."
-This dialogue sticks out to me a bit, it sounds like something we would say in jest, just with the idea of a "creeper" or is more young adult in usage than I would expect David to say, especially because this story is reading a bit formally, I think the words, "I know it's probably [odd] of me to say this..." would fit better, or some other synonym of odd. Hopefully that makes sense.
Zoe laughed and agreed with him...
-Edit: would put this in a new paragraph since it's an action and verbal of Zoe and not Anthony, so it kind of acts like dialogue
I have to agree with another reviewer that message fiction isn't my thing because this does lack the characterization that I would have liked to have seen, and meh, the message was heartwarming but it was also a bit fluffy for my tastes. Regardless though, you did a really excellent job adhering to that form, and those who do enjoy this sort of thing hopefully sing high praises, because I think you captured it nicely due to never losing focus of the message and the plot.
One thing though, I'm not sure about the importance in the beginning of mentioning the initials in the diary on it-I don't really think that added anything to the story, it kind of left me feeling like a riddle wasn't solved and it was unsatisfying. Unless...I'm probably missing something and it does tie in? XD
Each paragraph led nicely into the next and each had a plot progression. I liked trying to figure out how it would end and why she would give the diary away. At first, you know me, I was totally thinking: Oh man, this is just like Tom Riddle's diary in HP, but of course, you deviated from that pretty quickly, still the message in it was a good theme and I like how you tied it into the beginning and everything came full circle.
| hannah chapter 1 . 8/12/2010
it was really good kind of predictable!
| Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
This was a cool idea! I liked the ending and the message. I was a little nervous at the end... afraid something bad would happen to Zoe or something.
I like little stories like this with interesting concepts that tie in nicely.
Good job and good luck in WCC!
| lianoid chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
I thought this was a very interesting story. At first, I wasn’t sure if the format would be to my liking, but as the story progressed, I easily fell into it. I felt you could have added a bit more description, though, especially to help characterize your characters. It felt a little rushed near the middle and final half of this piece, and I would have enjoyed a bit more description overall. Why did she like David more than Anthony? That, I did not understand and would have liked more clarity there. Also, aside from them spending a lot of time together talking, what did David and Zoe have in common that strengthened their bonds?
I think the message is simple, but you conveyed it in a creative way. Still, I would have preferred not to have it stated that she found her own prosperity; I would have pieced it together if you hadn’t explained it outright. I think it might have a stronger effect if you didn’t explain it, actually. Most readers are smart enough to understand the message without it being explicitly said, so I might suggest ending the story in a different way, if possible.
Best of luck in this month’s WCC.
...though over four generations of her relatives had written their...
-Edit: Remove “of”.
Zoe had seen the diary make her grandparents and then her parents very wealthy so she had no idea why anyone would abandon it.
-Personal: The first part of this sentence doesn’t read smoothly. Perhaps “Zoe had seen the diary make her grandparents and parents very wealthy” might read better. Since you already explain that the previous name in the diary is her father’s, I would assume that her grandparents became wealthy first and then her parents.
So she accepted what little insurance money she'd get and walked away, washing her hands of the house.
-Edit “she’d get” reads oddly here. I feel as if it should be “she was offered” or something similar. I think it’s a tense mix-up, but I’m not entirely sure.
...but its times like these that make me glad your car died...
-Edit: Change “its” to “it’s”.
David and Zoe never became wealthy or powerful like her ancestors had with diary in hand, dictating their lives.
-Edit?: I believe there should be a “the” before “diary”.
| Adrenalin chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
I'm not very fond of message-fiction. It usually annoys me as I feel the author neglects characterization in favor of said message.
The introduction is great. It gave the sense of mystery I was waiting from your story (since it's categorized as a mystery).
The rest of the piece felt too rushed, especially at the end. You take more than half the piece to describe the first week of event, but after the next months only takes a few paragraphs. As your story is only around 1,0 words, I feel you could have developped it before reaching the 2,0 limit.
I didn't get why Zoe didn't want to date Anthony either. She blushes each time she meets with him & she seems to like him well enough until the end of the piece. Same goes for David, I didn't understand why she liked him better than Anthony.
Good luck on the WCC!
| Jorda chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
This is a cute little story. It conveys a good message- you don't have to be wealthy and prosperous to be happy. Good job. :)
| YasuRan chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
Interesting plot. The first part of the story had me hooked and I was eager to learn what possibilities the diary could contain. The 'moral' of the story also turned out to be a good realistic one: don't let anything dictate your choices or something similar, I'm guessing.
Now while I liked the plot, I felt the writing could have been better in some places. I didn't quite feel the connection with David and Zoe or Anthony and Zoe. I was a bit confused in the end when Zoe knew that Anthony would achieve all that wealth and fortune. There didn't seem to be any earlier impication of that knowledge.
Still, a good attempt by you. Good luck in the competition.