|Reviews for The Other One|
| KinzMarie chapter 1 . 9/29/2010
Aw dude this was just too cute. Love it]
| TaylorNamen chapter 1 . 9/11/2010
Lol. I love the chicken pox ending.
You're a really good writer.
I think I told you that in "To Grace The Sun".
But Never hurts to be told more than once right?
haha. I'm feeling inspired to writea poem soon... so keep bugging me or else i prob wont write it.
| rosie chapter 1 . 8/29/2010
aww I like your stories... they are really sweet. The only thing is that you have realy bad grammer. I guess you are not a native speaker. However your stories are good.
| Fay chapter 1 . 8/13/2010
I love you for posting this story! Seriously. Teddy cracked me up, and Tommy gave me butterfly-in-my-stomach-feeling:D All in all, I have reaaly loved and enjoyed this story. Although, I must confess that the ending was a bit rushed, but that is understandable, seeing that you were up 5 in the morning:P Don't fuss about it, you ended it very good and humerous anywhoo:P. Keep up the good work: you are, indeed, improving by each story! Who knows? Someday, you might be an admired authorad worldwide...
| HoodedStellaish chapter 1 . 8/10/2010
Hey there! Miss me? Oh, of course you did. ;)
I am so sorry I didn't catch your last story, but I saw the email yesterday and I automatically went, "OH HECK YEAH! I'M REVIEWING THAT!" So, here I am.
I caught a few things, and man, I'm starting to feel like your betareader. XD
1) "...even if they fought sometimes - they never had major fights -" I really felt that you didn't need to add that they never had major fights. You put after it that they never stayed mad at each for more than three days which is as good.
2)"She hadn't understood why it hadn't' come off her chest." This actually has two things. A) the second hadn't has an extra apostrophe, and B) the phrase is "broken out." English is annoying, I know. XD
3)"She pressed back, added pressure and kissed him..." This sentence was extremely confusing. If you're going to start with, "She pressed back" with a comma, I suggest you only have one more verb after. Instead of what you have up there, try, "She pressed back, adding pressure as she kissed him." As, is a good way to beat overusing ands.
4) “And evertime I see you, I just wanna grab you and kiss you and just - but I can't. I'm too coward for that.” I think it’s kind of obvious what I saw with this one, but just to be on the safe side, you forgot the Y in “every time.” And every time is two words.
I noticed that your writing has improved. :”) I feel so proud. But there were a few holes in the story line. When you broke off for your flashbacks it was really hard to tell what “time” it was because you just dove into it a little too fast. Always add a “I drifted back to the day I was seven and I…” so the reader knows exactly “when” it’s happening. And also tell “why” something is happening. That’s one of the key parts of “Showing, not telling” that everyone keeps bugging me about. In all, you did pretty well with showing, but I think it can be improved.
Any questions about the advice I gave? Just let me know! I’d love to help!
~StellaHale from the Roadhouse
| vitavitavegimin chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
Is it bad that I actually wanted her to realize that Tommy was an asshole and she's in love with Theo?
I dunno, the writing seemed a bit rushed to me and the development of her relationship with Tommy wasn't complete for me.
| The Golden Orchid chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
that was wonderful! i loved it! you're such a great writer :)
| fictionsymphony chapter 1 . 8/8/2010
I really loved this.
From the moment he told her to come here I was like he remembers. Haha it was so cute, and it was kind of ironic that he ended up getting chicken pox after he tried not to go see his brother.
I just really really loved this whole thing.
Great job hun. :)