Reviews for Poems
HannaThing chapter 8 . 8/20/2011
-Flow: I hated the flow in this. Its chunky and clunky and repetitive in bad ways.

-Word choice: Again, repetitive. You used glittery and shiny a lot, which while talking about dead man walking and hell, created a strange contradiction in my mind's eye. I began wondering why a dead man would walk through hell and back for something as shallow and silly as shiny and glittery.

-Word Play: Your alliterations were a saving grace. They made certain phrases stick and effective, while others fell flat with your shallow word choice.

-Tone: I was kind of confused by your "Dunno where that came from..." comment. Usually when I hear a writer say that, it means they don't understand their own poem, and if ts obscure, like yours is in some places, it upsets me. Like the author wrote it not to send an under cover message, but because they don't want people to understand. In that case, it might be better to just leave out the author's note.

Regardless, this is very different from my own writing, and its a pleasure to read things different from my own niche. Thanks for contributing to this wonderful community :)
Silver Sparke chapter 10 . 8/14/2011
Rosemarie was a very nice poem. The repetition made the point come across very clearly and wonderfully. I loved it. However, there were a couple of lines that confused me: "no monster in the closet but clothes,

nor in the attic but spiders."

The wording makes it sem like you are calling clothes and spiders monsters, but I'm pretty sure you're trying to say there are no monsters, there are only clothes and spiders. Your next couple lines about the basement are well done compared to the closet and attic lines.

Other than that, well done and keep up the great work!

Silver Sparke
Silver Sparke chapter 11 . 8/13/2011
Wow. "Hope is a cruel beast" is an amazing piece. I love your metaphors because they are easy to relate to and make the poem come alive. It's so creative and I envy your writing abilities. Rhyming doesn't take away from any of it, it only makes it better. However, I do not understand one line: "believer or not, she will not stop the dull aching". Perhaps it's just me, but that's the only complaint I have. Awesome job, and keep up the awesome work!

Silver Sparke
Sercus Kaynine chapter 11 . 8/11/2011
I love the way you personified Hope. The descriptions were refreshing and sharp and original. I was also impressed by the structure of this poem, and how you used it to isolate certain phrases, especially the third stanza.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
Javajive chapter 11 . 8/11/2011
Hi, thought I'd return the favour. I loved the idea of letting a beautiful woman symbolize hope in all its feebleness, a lying, conniving woman.

"believer or not, she will not stop the dull aching" - I specifically liked this part. And hey, the rhyming itself has me very impressed because it is carried out so effortlessly.

I really enjoyed your writing. Best of luck in the WCC!
Dragon made me do it chapter 11 . 8/6/2011
This poem is very well written and your choice of words is always well thought out. conceptually, you also have some big ideas, 'she spins her sweet web of lies', implying that to hope means to leave behind the truth, and 'in hope he drowned' implying that hope is a dangerous thing. dangerous, yet enticing, like some kind of addiction.

Well done and good luck in the contest!
rgarner31 chapter 11 . 8/4/2011
hey, just thought ide check out the competition for the WCC :P

my favorite part of this poem is certainly the second stanza and the 2nd full stanza, that starts with, "in her eyes," and "Careful!" because they remind me of Helen who launched a thousand ships against each other, and Anne Boleyn, who had a king tear a country in two and distantly caused the deaths of thousands of English lives. Beasts, indeed.

I love the poem and wish you luck in the contest!
Laoch chapter 11 . 8/3/2011
"In hope he drowns." This is one of the most telling lines, even if it is one of the simpler ones, because it has so much truth and is a very real occurrence. The entire flow of this is very well done, going on without a break. The stanzas are well laid out, but a little varient. Still nicely done. I really enjoyed this piece as it has so much emphasis and pure strength; it rings so true to the human nature. Really beautiful.
Dragonclaw289 chapter 11 . 8/3/2011
you are such a great writer. I really love some of your poems.
IAmGhost120 chapter 9 . 7/31/2011
I love this poem, and I love your style, too. This piece, "The Dollmaker," reminds me of a story I once read about a puppeteer's doll coming to life. Very nice! Although I would like a bit more detail to just make the images really come to life. But you've done just perfectly on your own. Very lovely!
in theory chapter 9 . 7/27/2011
"He puts god in her eyes" is particularly striking, I find it fascinating that you've not capitalised "god". That whole second stanza is just lovely, with the visual rhymes and assonance; really enjoyed it.

I'm not sure why there is the double period at the beginning and end, or that extra period. It doesn't seem relevant?
Laoch chapter 10 . 7/26/2011
Oh, jeez, wow. I wish I could leave it at that, but alas, I can't.

The continued "no, no, no" really shoved this peice into perspective and made it that much better because you can see with perfect clarity what has happened thanks to those lines. They truly do bring a new light to this.

Also, the reference to the "monster in the dark" is amazing because it shows you that childlike side that makes it that much darker.

One note; if you had divided this into a few (not many) stanzas, it would've been a bit easier to follow and might've made it flow along a bit better. But that's just my opinion.
Laoch chapter 9 . 7/25/2011
:)

I really liked the line "with muscles of wood and strings for nerves" because it makes it so incredibly easy to see what's happening and putting yourself there. I also liked how well this flowed and how both stanza's were done. Each part was great and had it's own important part. Very good. :D
Laoch chapter 7 . 7/24/2011
This is really good. I liked the word choice and descriptiveness because it made the while thing roll together into an amazing price. The only thing I didn't like was how you broke up some of the lines because it made it a bit choppy and harder to follow. But still, really good!
singer22498 chapter 3 . 7/24/2011
I liked this: especially that you had 2 different versions.

I have to say that i like the first version better. It is so simple and perfect. Like I said for my previous review of chapter 8, I liked how in the second version of this you repeated a line. I liked how you ended each line with greedy little passions.

I thought the author's note was a bit amateur, but it does give us an awareness of what you did.

In the second version I didn't like where you separated the lines, although it just depends on how you read it.

I think the difference between the two versions is that the first is like a heart of an innocent person, one who knows nothing very sorrowful. the second version is more like a heart that has touched sorrow and dealt with all of the greedy little passions, and didn't get a good result.

Okay, so if you actually understood what i meant... well good job overall!
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