Reviews for The Cave of Lost Fortune
NarniaRiddle chapter 1 . 8/9/2010
Hi. ) First thing I notice is that there's a few minor grammatical errors and such, so you should consider going over it one more time.

The first segment of the piece doesn't give the reader much time to connect with this little boy - we connect more with the tour guide than we do with the main character, which is not so good. Give us something interesting about this little boy that'll hook us and pull us in. Also, the transition into the next segment isn't as smooth as it could be. After the "20 years later," explain right away John's excitement and anxiousness to return to the Cave of Lost Fortune, and express more clearly his irritation impatience with Martha for taking so long. Don't wait until they're in the car to explain about John's grandpa, because by the time the reader gets to it, he's getting bored.

I really love the sudden ending, but the ranger's warning gives it away as soon as John discovers the water tunnel. Also, the way this piece is structured, the ending seems either too sudden or not sudden enough. We don't really see any effects of the toxins' effects on John. Show how drained he suddenly feels, how light-headed, how he can't seem to get a full breath of air, etc. and then "everything went black - end".

At first, this piece seems pretty predictable: okay, he's going to find the treasure, get rich, and get the girl. But then, oops, I guess not. I guess...he's dead... And I really, really like that about it. )

Cheers,

NarniaRiddle