|Reviews for the Forgotten|
| Vladvonbounce chapter 1 . 7/29/2013
This is a pretty tense, thrilling opening chapter. Lots of action right from the get go which is good. The way you revealed Cooper was actually her husband half way through was very clever and rather creepy. I immediately wondered what had happened to him? I also liked the way the final paragraph revealed a bit of supernatural goings on.
I am not quite sure how the FBI can be after them with so much firepower and she has no idea why? I assume we will find out in further chapters.
Some of your paragraphs are a little bit long and could be split for easier reading.
| This Guy Again chapter 1 . 7/25/2013
[...these past few years (has it really been years, she thought sadly).] I think putting the characters thoughts in brackets distances the reader from them, and also detracts from the flow a little bit. A better way to do it would be to use italics. For example: ...these past few years. [Has it really been years?] She thought, sullenly.
Obviously in a review I can't put the italics in and so I had to use brackets, but you probably understand what I mean.
Reading your story I noticed a lot of repetitive vocabulary. It would help a lot to go through your story and just look out for any instances where you've used the same word multiple times in a paragraph, and then consider alternative words.
| Storysmith chapter 2 . 7/23/2013
Well this is an interesting story. I'm not sure what's going on yet (because I;m only two chapters in), but so far it seems really catchy. The first chapter started at a run, and this one seemed to slow the pace back down, which was nice. I must say, I was completely caught by surprise that Cooper was her husband. All the information given to that point suggested child (which was the point, I assume) and so I was really pleasantly surprised. I want to know what's going on with him! The end of the first chapter was good, if borrowing some from action movie cliches. I struggled a bit with suspension of disbelief in these two chapters. First, the fact that they apparently were on the FBI most wanted list and were flying/hitchhiking seemed a little too easy. Then again, I've never been on the run from the FBI. The grenade launcher was a little over the top, kind of turning the notch to 11 a bit too early for me. And, from chapter 2, I have trouble believing that five dead people and signs of explosives at a city apartment would be treated causally. Especially if the bodies had no ID, I feel like that would cause a lot of questions.
One typos I caught in Ch.2
"who seemed to link they were better than the actual cops" should be think
That said, I feel like you have done a really great job building believable characters. I don't particularly like Rogers, but I think that works for his character. He seems very complex, and the few areas that did not immediately seem to fit in the character made more sense as I continued to read. I really like the way you have portrayed Jillian, and her care for Cooper is really well implemented in the story. One nitpick about her, however, is the fact that we have had three or four descriptions of her appearance already (two of them in pretty good detail), and it's becoming overwhelming. Personally, I would remove the one where she checks herself out in the mirror, mainly because I do not feel it is needed, fits with the content of that scene, or makes logical sense for her character.
I think the pacing has been well done, as I mentioned earlier. It started out running, and continuing at that pace would be exhausting, and so this chapter acted as a nice break to provide some more exposition and calm things down. It was more speculative and less action-packed, which I think really helped balance the intro. I also really like your dialogue. There was one point where there was kind of a weird jump (" briefed on it in the morning. Good Lord, man, have you even gotten any sleep?"), and so you may want to review that line, but otherwise it seemed to be pretty realistic and informative, without being dry and boring. It really helped set up your characters in believable ways. I am really enjoying this so far, and excited to keep reading the additional chapters. While I don't know much about the plot thus far, from the summary I'm going to assume the Sidhe/Fey are involved, but I am not really immersed in that mythos, so I'm looking forward to learning as the story goes!