|Reviews for Blood|
| AvidWriter-92 chapter 1 . 8/30/2010
Hey, Dreamers. :)
I thought that this very well thought out, and I loved the story line behind it all. I do hope that you continue this into an actual story, because that would be really awesome. I think that it has a lot of promise, and I feel like it's unique. The characters seem all very real, and I like the descriptions that you use. :)
If you do continue this into a story, I would advise you to write some backstory about Blake. I'm left feeling like I don't know much about his life before he's introduced to Poison and William, besides what I can infer from what they've said.
Otherwise, I thought that this was a fresh retelling of a popular plotline. :) I'm glad that you put your own twist on it and made it unique. :D
~Avid, repaid review. 1/1. :)
| Narq chapter 1 . 8/16/2010
The first part, the "Good girl" seems a bit detached from everything else. I would like to see it more attached somehow, maybe by setting, or by an animal that sees both things or something of that sort.
"Despite his tough exterior, he is lonely William."
- "Despite his tough exterior, he is lonely (,) William."
"Just imagine if you did not have Raven, when you were first created."
- "Just imagine if you did not have Raven when you were first created."
"I would have been dead within days," William shrugged.
- "I would have been dead within days." William shrugged.
"Only because of the age you were created," Poison rolled his eyes.
- "Only because of the age you were created." Poison rolled his eyes.
And so on, I think there's quite a few of these.
Poor little rich kid, in over his head.
- I like the "poor/rich" idea but what's "in over his head"? I think you might've missed a couple of words there.
Or you may find yourself dead, permanently.
- ha! nice!
Aw look Raven;
- aw(,) look(,) Raven?
Blake nodded, as Poison helped him to his feet.
- I think (and) would flow better rather than "as"
:shiver: this story ended on a scaryish tone, but I think you handled the tension well throughout. I think that you could've added detail to the girls - were they restrained in any way? why did neither try to escape?