You have a very good hook at the beginning, with some really powerful descriptions. I also thought the wording you used in this case was unique, which is always good.

My first impression about this story was that you were writing a self-insert story, as your username matches the title of the story. I hope I'm not going to be proved right, as I really don't have the patience for those kinds of stories.

The dialogue was fine, but I didn't really find any oppotunities for you to step out of character. As there is a fair amount of dialogue, this is a good thing, as it obviously points towards the easy way you keep them in character.

The characters seem overly perfect, which further pushes me towards the conclusion of slef-inserts. You make them beautiful and strong, with no apparent weakness. This is bad.

The ending appears as if you've attempted to give us a cliff hanger. You may well have done it with some people, but to me it just seems like a cliche. I've read the lines you used in the final aprt so many times they've lost their effectivness.

Aha~ The first chapter. It was a very nice introduction to it. However, I did find a few errors:

'A young man lay silent and still, partially drenched in a puddle of clear, cool water; and partially strewn flat across the somewhat orange-tinted earth.'

-If you're going to use the semicolon, take out the and after it. A semicolon takes the place of both 'and' and a comma.

'And she found a downward view to be startling.'

-The 'And' at the beginning of the sentence is un-needed.

'"I know you!" he exclaimed. "You're – Daisy, Greg's brother, right?"'

-I think you might mean 'sister' in this case much rather than 'brother'.

Other than that, it was fantastic :D Update soon, possibly?