|Reviews for Missing Pieces|
| HighOnBrokenWings chapter 1 . 8/23/2010
"I have two choices. One, run like the devil was after me; or two, be late to class for the sixth or seventh time this month. "
Okay, in this line you used both past and present tense. The way that you did it was so that most people (including yourself, I think) would miss it. Don't use have, and then was. It would have to be HAD and then WAS or HAVE and IS.
I HAVE two choices. One, run like the devil WAS after me; or two, be late to class for the sixth or seventh time this month.
Does that make sense?
Another thing, you may not want to use number forms of numbers. Instead of 10, write ten.
"So far, it was a clear path from my table to the door. I'm going to take it." You did the wrong tense thing again here.
Sorry if this is sounding harsh so far, but really, this is the only problem you have!
Though, how did he get there so fast? That was a weird lapse in time.
There's certainly a lot of potential here, you have a good imagination, and first stories are always hard, and not neccessarily the best that you can do. I know I've improved vastly over the year and a half I've been writing on fictionpress. Stick at it! Don't let anyone tell you you can't write.
Oh, and by the way, I think this certainly has potential to be a full length story, feel free to ask me if you want any ideas :D
Have a nice day :)