|Reviews for Legacy of the Fallen|
| Ganheim chapter 6 . 7/18/2011
The monsters that roam the wastes…are drawn to the thing that I seek
[And he wants to bring it to his city…why?]
the explorer and meddler in things which do not concern him known as Dairek
[Slightly awkward construction]
he collects only that which brings advantage to him
[How is that different than anybody else? This doesn’t clearly say anything about the suspected danger of what’s been found]
there's been know word
With the relative time skip, I’m a little curious as to the composition and roles of the different members of the team, but pretty much all we get here is a reminder of names. Then again, a good deal of the focus was on the future antagonists. Otherwise the information and progression seems sufficiently fitting for the story presented so far.
| julietta08 chapter 1 . 4/11/2011
Wow. I absoloutley adore you writing! It seems your skills hold just the right amount of detail that it doesn't make it boring yet it isn't wrtten for simpletons. I also have to say that the way you create insignificant problems that have nothing to do with the story line but are purely to entertain. I especially like the twist with the acid-spewing centipedes. I would lvoe it if you wrote more. PLEASE! My life currently depends on this 'book.' *jeez, i need a life* PLEASE
| ham3 chapter 5 . 4/6/2011
This chapter is good. I am interested in the characters, events, and clues about the Accursed; I'm scared; and I'm greedy and want to see the whole story now. :D
| Ganheim chapter 3 . 3/30/2011
not the best weapon against what he was facing now,
[Not rushing up to retrieve his weapon? Granted, I don’t know if the legs make that a dangerous proposition]
eyes are a weak spot on just about anything."
Aric- kid knows his way around a bow."
[I’ll bet Khaleen can walk around a bow too. *rimshot*]
now." Dairek looked at her strangely, but didn't comment.
He turned back
[Presuming that “Dairek” is the person both looking and turning, why not consolidate the actions into one paragraph? Doing so would clarify the source of the second paragraph]
inside is a chest that holds an antique sword
[Why is it in a chest? As opposed to, say, on display in some rich once-noble’s living room? Or sitting in an armory? Not that a chest shouldn’t be used, I’m just trying to think of what naturally might be found for the purpose, and a chest doesn’t necessarily seem to be it]
Time to do the job they'd come for and get out of here before those centipedes decided snacking on humans was more interesting than listening to Sira.
[A good piece of levity]
At its heart was a raised dais, and on the dais was a large metal chest.
[Behold, the Master Sword! Triforce not included]
the chest…was empty
[Good aversion from some of the build-up, and also goes a few steps to explain the detail of the job…if not why the job was still given]
two generations ago, its squabbling aristocracy had been united under a single ruler, and that man's grandson now ruled as Licanthil's Prince
[Concise, clear, and doesn’t appear to impede the narrative pacing. Good exposition]
few cities of any size had managed to survive and prosper.
[As long as they can obtain sufficient water and arable land for food, not many have a problem eeking out. Or is this a reference to the possibility of it continuing from before this great cataclysm?]
He wouldn't, he decided, want to live here
[“he decided” seems superfluous]
to many travelers go
"How in the hells do you know my last job went sour
[A common guess given their antagonistic relationship – could’ve also been just one more way of prodding Dairek, and admitting that things aren’t so good seems a little odd. Not that it doesn’t fit with the tone of humor in this segment, it’s just something to note]
and Aric string his bow,
[That takes a good minute, and implies he’s pretty strong. Odysseus was famed for being the only one strong enough to string his bow and then hop straight into using it, although smaller bows are easier to string and ready for a fight]
Your story has a wonderful lack of technical flaws. A couple small issues with how the characterization is depicted in the context, but in general everybody is being treated as a multidimensional human with virtues and vices, as is the setting. The pacing is good, and the tone has a pleasant pattern from the dramatic to the humorous that makes reading all the better. This definitely looks like a story to keep an eye on.
| ham3 chapter 4 . 3/27/2011
Okay, I've finished chapter 2. This story is mostly good: I'll keep reading, but there have been a few slightly boring parts (probably easy for you to fix).
| ham3 chapter 2 . 3/27/2011
Oh I see. The other little story is part of this big story. Good, cuz I was interested.
On I go to the third part/ Chapter 1.
| Ganheim chapter 1 . 9/10/2010
they took council with one another and said: "This must stop!"…
[But apparently not “let’s intercede before things get too bad…”]
I thought that this introduction could’ve been a preface for the true first chapter, rather than acting as its own independent chapter. At least it’s engrossing enough to create curiosity, and lacks the grammatical flaws that seem all-too-common on FictionPress.
The nondescript bag containing the recovered artifacts leaned against one of the legs of Dairek's chair,
[Prior implication implies these artifacts are nearly on an animate stage, although the “nondescript bag” is clever, would hiding them in plain sight be enough if they sent telepathic signals?]
that the Wastes was taboo
but she simply would let go
just told him he was being paranoid.
[Is it still paranoia if they’re really out to get you?]
I’ve read dozens of stories here with the same tired stories, flat characters, and uninspired plots. While there are plenty of archetypes to be found here, it’s presented in a serious tone. While the world and characters are not given an extremely thorough description, neither do things feel sharply out-of-focus (although some more description of the physical setting and actions/reactions of the characters would be nice). It looks like you have a good idea of who the characters are, what sort of world they inhabit, and that you have a plan (or at least clear direction) for them to go.
The only issue I have is that the reasons for the girl suddenly joining Dairek is extremely nebulous – this seems to be understandable, but why he ends up accepting her company when implication is that they head back out into extreme danger (earlier character behavior indicates he’d dump her off at a different settlement and stick with people he knew, they got out last tine fine without her). Somehow establishing this girl’s character and abilities would do some good towards justifying her continued presence, because “we needed someone to sniff out alien artifacts” doesn’t apply unless we know the character is needed to do so because others won’t; she didn’t do anything conclusively helpful in “a meeting”.