|Reviews for Six Months Later|
| We Used To Wait chapter 3 . 5/16/2011
You've never had a hangover? WHY! :((( Do you not drink? If you do: GET OUT AND LIVE. C'mon, just once. Even I've had a bit of a hangover. Wasn't a big one, but whatever...
Anyway, his reactions seemed about right, though you didn't mention anything about a throbbing/pounding in his head, a headache, sensitivity to noise, zombie-like movements... that's usually how bad hangovers are.
Also, I did notice a couple grammatical errors, but I don't know if one is particular was a once time thing or not. When you have the word "though" in a sentence, it usually preceded by a comma. I may have seen that mistake in chapter 4. And even though you- I assume judging by your writing-live in the UK, I think that grammar rule remains consistent.
OKAY. I want to get into the deep stuff, but I'm running out of time. Maybe some other time...
Are you updating anytime soon? It's been a while...
Have a great day!
| Mintiee chapter 4 . 12/21/2010
:D AND IT'S FINALLY HERE XD
As you can probably tell, my laptop be fixed now :D And so, without further ado, here's the review that I didn't do for way way way too long I feel so guilty :( I mean, it's customary for us to open our reviews with an apology for it being late, but this is just taking the mick XD It shall never happen again ! Promises :)
The opening is really strong. Just stating what Reric has done really drives it home how serious the situation is, and the fact that he's labelling it as domestic abuse shows that he really has woken up to what a complete and utter BASTARD he is XD
And I thought Kay was bad...no, actually, Kay is still worse Okay, sure, domestic abuse is worse than being a total using selfish whore, BUT, as much as I has sympathies for her, Jenny isn't Owen. Obviously xD unless...?
:O OMG IT'S TRUE! YOU SAID RERIC WAS LIKE A MICHAEL :OO NOW JENNY IS LIKE OWEN! ONLY A FEMALE! AND SHE DOESN'T SMOKE !
They both get totally screwed over by A Michael-like character :33
VIVA LA OWEN :D
But yeah, back to the point, Reric is evil. No matter how cute he may look in a comfy hoodie with his hair all smushed up and looking like he wants you to hug him...
*goes to stare at desktop background*
x3 It will never get old :33
But awwh, they're relationship sounds so cute when he's naming the different points of it :33
I open my eyes. Then throw up into the sink. - Ew xD *shudders* wow. he's a total wreck xD
Wearing yesterdays clothes and being addicted to coke and being a domestic abuser and up-chucking everywhere.. Wubby...I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but...it may be time to put him down :( He's just no good unto himself, and he'll live a better life at the great farm in the sky, where there's plenty of room for him to run and play with all the other little rerics.
I'll get the raft and the crocodiles ready? :D
But it didn't stop myself from breaking at the sight of who I am - "myself" should just be "me" :)
Oh, the desperation in the next little section thingie (yes, that is a technical term) is perfect Like, I can really see him ripping the apartment apart looking for drugs and the way he can't control himself is just amazingly done too It sounds like exactly like a puppet controlled by his addiction, and then you state that bit clearly at the end with "puppet with cocaine strings" (METAPHOR :33 xD YAY!) which i also lurve by the way :D It sums up the entire addiction thing in one sentence.
Aww, the scene with them cuddled up on the sofa is so sad :( I feel so bad for Jenny :( She's sitting there, thinking she's got the man she loved back, which is everything she wants, but it turns out that he's still absent and it's just the coke addict come back to haunt her, disguised in a web of lies :(
XDD That idea is actually freaking me out Like, how creepy would it be if you were cuddled up and watching a movie with your boyfriend and then it turns out that although it looked like him, it was actually the coke addict who'd made the past few months of your life a living hell, only in a disguise of the guy you thought you'd lost?
:o IT'S LIKE ME, MYSELF AND IRENE!
Have you seen that film? If not, WATCH IT xD
It's about a schizophrenic, who's a really nice guy, but he has an asshole alter-ego :') And he's played by Jim Carrey :')
XDD Yeah, I know that isn't what 6ML is about, but even so ... You'd be surprised at the similarity xD
And then Reric contacts his dealer. Tsk. But I love the way he's thinking about Jenny's smile the entire time...it shows that he's not really a bad person, it's just the coke is contaminating him and turning him into an evil, selfish, lying, cheating scumbag, but the remains of the old Reric is still there...he just doesn't have the strength to fight the demon that's possessed him :(
:OO OH NO, MIRA ! SOMEBODY HELP HER !
*throws Leo at Reric*
*turns calmly to you as Leo wrestles Reric under control, which is impressive, since he's an orange*
Final straw. He has to go. Pack his things up, we're taking him to the farm.
But whoa o.O That bit was scary...I didn't expect him to get that violent o.O Way to go with the desperation thing again, though You've done your research well, cause this is really believable...like the way Reric hates what he's become but he still can't stop himself being that person...I'd feel bad for him, if I didn't want to machine gun him so badly :(
"Er… Not right now honey… There are a couple of things in my business…" - XDD :') Aww, your classic neighbourhood crook XDD
"I'LL GET YOU LOCKED UP! ...but not right now...now's not good for me...after I shift my stolen TVs...THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!"
Mira: "but Harry, he tried to kill me!"
Harry: "Shh, dear, shh. Go back to the kitchen, where you belong."
Reric: "Ooh, burn!" *high fives*
XD Sorry. Idk why that just became banter between the three of them XDD
and their content is the reason for the fact I can't see the laminate floor. - that sentence is a bit awkward.
DAMN RIGHT, YOU'RE A COWARD, RERIC! HOW DARE YOU LAY A HAND ON MIRA! MIRA DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE IT, EVEN IF SHE WAS A BIT SNIFFY ABOUT YOU CALLING HER POLISH!
GO TO THE NAUGHTY CORNER!
AND STAY THERE.
Whoa, that chapter was so...dark It showed Reric exactly for what he is, and you did it brilliantly, cause it was believable all the way through, from the way he acted, to the excuses he made, to his disgust with himself...it's wow o.O
I hate reric, yet at the same time I feel strangely sorry for him...but what I'm most curious about is how it started..like, what convinced him to first try drugs and what made him want to keep taking them, and how they turned him from a decent kid who was dating his best friend, into a LCS (Lying cheating Scumbag):)
Anyway, wubby, it's a brilliant chapter ...filled with lies and deceit and violence, but weirdly enough, it's not so dark that I dont wanna read it and it's not overly angsty at all, so I take my hat off to you xD Tis very mature and well written, aslo, you did the first person narrative really well...like yanno when most people do it, it lapses into sounding just like them, rather than their character? well, there was no trace of you in it at all, and it was amazing insight into rerics mind x3
You're way too good at this...wait...:O ARE YOU A TWENTY SOMETHING MALE DRUG ADDICT? BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION ! :O
xD sorry, couldn't resist :)
Next chapter soons! :D
| Lupa Dracolis chapter 5 . 11/29/2010
Naw, poor thing! Send both letters, send both letters!
| Fierce.Imagination chapter 5 . 11/28/2010
As dramatic and emotional as usual. You don't disappoint. I'd like some more memories from the past, it works very well in the context of the story and help us, the readers, to get to know the characters and their story.
There were a few small mistypes, but I'm not going to look for them now, just letting you know in case you want to check.
Now, I love all the angst and self pity along with self hatred, it's all very realistic and heartbreaking. Only thing is that I'd like to see something happen in the next couple of chapters. I know that Eric moving out and supposedly going to rehab is a big deal and it happens in this chapter even though it's just described in the letter (nice job, by the way), but you know what I mean. Some human interaction wouldn't hurt. Can be something from the past too. Again, this chapter is great as it is and doesn't need anything else, but in the future… You get me, right?
| jake Chan chapter 5 . 11/27/2010
Ooh, nice, letters. And I have to just say this- who on earth is Ross? Just had to say that because it seriously confused me. Okay. Now to the rest
First, here’s a correction: “so the first say was happy for him” I think it’s ‘day.’
This letter is good- really good. I love your use of italics, and I feel like you really got the emotion dead on. The flow went really well, and I could hear his voice in the words. There were only a few parts that felt a little off to me, like this line: “Sorry. I can't finish that sentence.”
I think it would work better with a ‘No.’ instead of ‘Sorry.’ I was trying to imagine him writing this and the ‘sorry’ seemed to stand out weirdly to me. But maybe it’s just me.
And, just one more part and I am done being picky, the paragraph where he starts talking about his cousin. It feels a little too ‘story-telling’-ish. Because she had been there, maybe don’t have him telling her what happened, but tweak it to have him reminding her what happened, like: “He was a really cool, confident guy – maybe you don’t remember. But he was the one who had that girlfriend that… Well, she asked you if you bought your dress from a charity shop.”
Okay, done with being particular. Because seriously, this letter is painful. I really like how he’s finally thinking, how we’re getting into his mind- and I think you did a really good job of showing his mental state. I also like how you showed where he’s going now, what he’s planning on doing.
The part with him remembering how they met is so sweet, so innocent. And I like how he finally winds down to hating himself and basically hitting bottom. It- and this whole thing- feels so realistic.
“Why am I telling you this?” Love this line. There’s just alot of, ‘Why?’ in this letter in general, and especially after this line, his words just get more anxious and frustrated. And there’s also alot of longing in it, and self-hate. Which I think are dead on the emotions he’d be feeling at the time.
So, I was much happier with this chapter! It is a little risky to put a letter somewhat beginning-middle? of a story, but I liked it and how it expanded more on what Eric is like when he’s thinking.
And to your AN, I’m sorry again it’s taken me so crazy long to get around to reviewing- but I always will. :) And I think you’re doing alot of things right, the story line is interesting and having it narrated first person by a drug addict opens a potential for an extremely gripping and honestly life-changing story. Just keep on doing your best, and I know this story is going to be unbelievably fantastic. :D
| jake Chan chapter 4 . 11/27/2010
So! I like the beginning, how it shows their history together, and sort of reminds the reader that they did grow up together. I can’t quite understand why he keeps throwing up, though. Is it because he was drinking? Or just because he’s disgusted with himself? It seems a little random for him to just be throwing up, but I’ll go back and reread the previous chapter to see what happened before this.
The scene with him searching through his clothes is really good- it really shows how instinctively he just does things because of his addiction. It seems almost like OCD. The only thing is that it does seem a little short and doesn’t really flow with the story. Maybe add some closure to it or connect it at the beginning somehow to the bathroom. OR... maybe you're writing it like this on purpose and making it intentionally choppy to show that he’s just jerking from place to place, action to action, without really rationally thinking through what he’s doing in between. Hmm...
Ah, this next scene is so sad. Jenny is so trusting, and he’s so uncomfortable. And yes! You had him go to rehab. Nice aspect to put into his history. And it’s so frustrating that he’s convinced himself that he’s not a drug addict and at the same time knows what he’s doing is wrong, but can’t help it.
Oh wow. Just, wow. I can’t believe he starts beating up on his neighbor! Holy crow, he really is gone. The only thing with the writing in this scene I might do is make the ‘slam’s italicized in: “Slam. "Seriously need." Slam.”
This scene is pretty amazing, and pretty depressing, as you sort of said in your AN. It’s just so starkly different from the rich introspection and analysis of A Scripted Love- it feel more scattered and frenzied. And it’s so interesting reading this from his perspective, from the abuser's point of view.
I think you were going really well with this scene, with him just being pushed over the edge and finally breaking. The only part I couldn’t swallow was Harry’s line, "Er… Not right now honey… There are a couple of things in my business…" I feel like this wasn’t really the most convincing way for Harry to not call the police- maybe have him struggle with wanting to give Eric another chance, or maybe just have Eric so disconcerted that he doesn’t hear Harry’s reply. I feel like it’s just too convenient for Harry to be ‘busy.’ Unless this comes into play later, then by all means, this scene is perfect. :) Well, in a literary sort of way; it’s actually really disturbing.
So the part with the ransacked living room. Is this evidence that he’s sort of going in and out of consciousness/rational thinking? If it is, please ignore my comments above about choppiness. Nice ending there with him finally admitting he’s one of ‘them.’
Overall, I like where the story is going- that is, I like how it’s progressed and how Eric’s struggle is showed more clearly. But I think one reason I’m having a hard time really liking this story as much as I did A Scripted Love is that it feels sparse. For first person, there isn’t alot of Eric dealing with his feelings and thoughts, and it’s hard for me to really connect with him because of that. But I do realize that this is a drug addict’s narrative, and so I’ll shut up and keep reading. :D Also, I think you did a really good job of making it Eric’s voice and perspective in this chapter. There wasn’t anything that felt too flowery or out of place, so really good work!
Onward to chapter 5!
| Fierce.Imagination chapter 4 . 11/16/2010
That was dark, complicated, emotional and in a very twisted way – beautiful. With good amount of pain and irony, the poetic style works here too. In short – very good.
Only criticism would be about the gaps between updates. When it takes so long for a new chapter to appear, you risk people forgetting what the story is about. Considering most of us follow several stories and some of us write one themselves, it might be difficult to stay tuned. Try writing several chapters and then updating one by one and write the next few in the meanwhile. This way the readers' interest won't get lost, which is good for both sides.
Looking forward to reading more.
| jake Chan chapter 3 . 10/11/2010
So, chapter three! I guess I'll just jump right in. :)
Ooh, I like the sort of introspection he goes through at the beginning. I really like- okay, 'like' is the wrong word, but I can't think of a better one right now- the idea of him knocking herself out of her when he punched her. I also like that he regrets it.
The 'dialogue' between the two of them... wows. He's really, truly lost faith in himself. In a way, I think if this what was going through his mind, then he wouldn't have asked to go with her or give her a ride or see her afterward. Unless he's really as scared of losing her as he is of hurting her, but his begging is just automatic.
I don't know, I just feel that after hitting her, and watching her pack, he would get this wave of an 'it's-all-over-' feeling. Especially after hitting her, and realizing that he can't even protect her physically from himself.
I seriously like the 'out of this flat/memories' bit. I love when writers put in biting little one-sentence or short paragraphs in their work. It's also nice how you were able to write it with action sandwiched between and outside those two sentences. Very nice! :)
Ugh, pollution. I'd live in the country just so I could see the stars at night. :) But if the pollution and city lights were that bad, wouldn't the sky essentially be dark brown instead of black because of 'light pollution'? I wouldn't worry about it though, it's a picky detail, I know.
The last four paragraphs of the first half are just... wow. An absolutely perfect mix of description and thoughts, and it just rings so true, and you wrote it so beautifully and heart-wretchingly with barely 150 words... Congratulations, Scripted! I'm lost for words. :D
I like how this is 'narrated' first person, how it's not just, 'I did this, and this, and then did this,' there's some explanations in it that makes it feel like Eric's really talking. I like it!
Your description of loud music is dead on, especially with the heartbeat part. It's like when music is that loud, you can literally feel your insides rattling. Whoa, they let 18 year olds into bars? Over here I think the age is 21.
"Surprisingly, it doesn't work." Is this word supposed to be 'Unsurprisingly?' I wasn't sure.
I've never had a hangover, but it sure sounds like a drag, the way you wrote it. I can't imagine how he even got home and into his bed! I like how he's just so out of it, but his thought are still coherent. It's sort of sad how the first thing he says waking up is Jenny's name.
Nice mix of thoughts and action in the last section. It's interesting to me what you chose to italicize and not... did you have a guideline to decide which of his thoughts were going to be 'thought' and which were going to be narration?
The part when he gets to the bathroom is good, and I like how he stops mid-thought! The only thing I would suggest is a word of two of description of what he sees on the bath. Maybe just say, 'stained/smear on the bath' so then the reader can see more clearly what makes him so shaken. We know he hit her, but what is there now?
Overall, this was great, especially the first bit. I like where this is going, actually it sort of feels vaguely similar to A Scripted Love- I'm almost expecting James and Liam to come into Eric's apartment in the next chapter. But good work, and please update soon!
| Mintiee chapter 3 . 10/6/2010
...The clown isn't around here anywhere, is it? No?
XDD How's my little real-life-reric today? Still clean? Still unhappy?
... Still a man? XD
Walk Away is such a Reric song :33
Were we talking about this the other day? XDD Maybe XD Anyway, I can't hear Walk Away without thinking about Reric XDD Okay, so the lyrics aren't /exactly/ right, but the message is XDD
Btw, I started reading Harry Potter again this morning xD (5th book) Never realised how brilliant J.K's technique is xD The whole idea and story is awesome and everything, but I'd never noticed how good the actual writing is in itself I WANNA STEAL HER TALENT. AND HER MONEY.
Also, it's really hard to concentrate on writing this review when little sister is next door and is audibly going "Yeah. well I'm as stealthy as a ninja so STFU. I don't care, so go die. Ugh. NO DANNY YOU MORON, HIT THE HIT MARKER! THE HIT MARKER! OH FFS!" *Machine gun shooting*
XDD I dunno whether to laugh or be concerned XD (She's on Xbox Live. Or at least...I hope she is XDD)
Anywho. Review XDD Here it be.
GHOST REFERENCE IN FIRST PARA! XD :33 HFG LIVES! Wow at the awesome opening. Love the whole idea of Reric thinking that he's somehow torn her apart with what he's done, so that now Jenny's body and her spirit are two separate beings. Awesome, 'cause he's taken all of the spirit out of her with his lying and his drugs and stuff anyway. Great para for showing how he's destroyed not only their relationship and everything they've ever had together, but also Jenny herself because he tore her apart with his filthy, sly little drug habit and domestic abuse.
...XDD This reminds me so much of Lemony Snicket's: A Series Of Unfortunate Events XDD
"This is a story about a happy little elf. Except that it's not, it's about misery and pain." XDD
You do the same XDD "This is a story about Reric, who looks like James Marsden. Yes, see the picture? Look how cute and cuddly he is. Except he's not cute and cuddly, he's a bit punchy and he‘s addicted to drugs. He also enjoys purposely stepping on puppy’s tails, seal clubbing, and in his spare time, he’s Darth Vader."
Btw, what kind of cruel, disillusioned parent would name their child Lemony? XDD Sick. Sick, I tell you.
I promised you that you would be safe Jenny - Didn't you change her name to Lea? XD Or is Reric-who-is-nicknamed-Jenny-by-Jenny talking to himself? Coke will do that to a guy. *tuts*
Okays, hubby, the promises bit is laid on a bit thick Personally, I don't think an internal monologue is the most effective way of getting that whole piece across. It's a bit in-your-face. Maybe break it up a bit, or metaphor it, or something along those lines? xD (Btw IMPORTANT STUFF IN THE CREATIVE WRITING CLASS THAT I HAVE, WHICH YOU NEED TO REMIND ME TO TELL YOU ABOUT IF YOU DON'T ALREADY KNOW IT . about writing this term :3 There's important technique stuff that I'd never even heard of xD)
Anyway, yeah, the bit of reric's thoughts didn't really come across as genuine to me :/ I was thinking "Crocodile tears" while reading it, until the "Jenny...I..." bit, which was the powerful bit cause it showed that he does actually care about /her/. So far, it's been like Reric is more concerned with himself than anything else and the numbness comes across as callous more than anything (but that's sorta a good thing because it makes the emotion more genuine and powerful when he does show it xD) so to see that bit where he kinda breaks...yeah, that showed real emotion and my liking for him increased. By one iota. XDD He will have to be Danny O'D (Danny Over Dose? xDD) By the end of this for me to treat him the same as Owen, but meh, I think I can learn to like him, at least XDD
XD What was he doing on the floor? XDD For some reason, the image that came to my head then was that he was sitting there cross-legged, staring at the door XDD
Cause that wouldn't be creepy at all...
making the living room look completely identical to before the fight. - Something iffy with the grammar there xD It doesn't sound right, but idk what's wrong with it either XDD
That's annoying of me, I know XD
"THAT BIT'S WRONG!"
"I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST IS. RESPECT MY WISDOM!"
"You can't just..."
"YES I CAN. DEAL WITH IT AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE!"
"I SAID GO!" *pushes you out of door*
XDD Then I really would be like an insane old crone XD Btw, WHY AM I NOT IN THIS CHAPTER? XDD YOU CAN'T JUST CUT ME OUT! AFTER ALL THE HARD WORK AND EFFORT I PUT IN TO DRIVE ALL THE WAY TO WHEREVER RERIC LIVES TO GIVE HIM HIS WARNING!
I'm not good enough for you, is that it? T.T It is, isn't it?
Fine. No more Testosterone for you.
And to think, I married you even though you had such a bad love record, with all of your failed relationships and leaving bitter tastes in peoples mouths with your stories! (I really hope that was a figure of speech. What did she do, lick the screen or something? xD)
Point is, YOU COULD AT LEAST INCLUDE ME IN THIS NON-FICTIONAL FICTIONAL STORY ABOUT RERIC WHO IS REALLY YOU BUT NOT!
XD I hope she doesn't read this 0:) Couldn't resist ;)
that have been the footing for so many moments in our past - Eh? xD That sounds as though they had their whole relationship on the stairs xDD That would be impressive, since they've known each other since they were what, five? XDD How did they survive with nothing to eat? :(
I'm running past ghosts of another world - THERE IT IS AGAIN :D and . LOVE! :33 :3 :3 :3 :3 :3
XD You always have that one line that slaps me right across the face with it's brilliance XDD You and your damn abusive metaphors and similes.
street lights usually block out any star in the sky - Aw :(
Nice bit of description about the city, btw xD Simplistic but vivid :3
Just for tonight I can't handle being me. - So reric, you should do what everybody does and become a superhero.
Catwoman would be a good look for you.
Or hey, how about Bastard Man? Play to your strengths, and all of that :)
Throughout my whole life, I've found that my true escape was music. - Relation :33 I lurve :33 Reric redeemed himself by another iota.
That is progress, people :D
Oh yay, he's guilty Nicely done, could really see how bitter he was at himself just then :D
wondering eyes - wandering? Would fit better :)
Ignoring how much I feel I need to get lost on the floor, I restrain myself - wish my dad could do that. Usually he joins in, with his Hawaiian shirt open and one of my friend's necklaces on, then he stands there in the middle of everybody doing the mashed potato to something by Tiny Tempah xD
XD Reric should totally have done that :3 XD "SEE KIDS, THIS IS WHAT DRUGS DO TO YOU!"
*snap to shot of James Marsden in a flowery pink shirt standing stoic still in the middle of the dance floor in a pounding nightclub, concentrating extremely hard on bashing his fists on top of each other to the beat* xD
LOL, images :')
XDD I totally got the impression that if reric had danced at that bit, though, he'd just fling himself into the crowd and start body-popping with OTT enthusiasm XDD I think it was because you said he needed to restrain himself XD LEAVE IT IN THERE, THOUGH xD it made me laugh, and I needed something to replace the Viva La Owen thing XD
I look up at the barmaid who offers me a sympathetic smile, she looks as if she's about to say something, but then moves on quickly to serve another. - RUB IT IN, WHY DON'T YOU XD
Love the whole ending bit for that :3 It's so surreal and bitter :33
XDD Run headfirst into a solid brick wall? XDD Why, I know exactly what that feels like ! do it all the time 8) xD
Anything to get out of P.E.
I've never had a really bad hangover, the worst I've felt is a bit dizzy and queasy the morning after So I can't really say if that comparison is accurate or not xD But, I do know that you're head is aching bad enough that you don't wanna move, or sit up, and the moment you do the pain radiates like a starburst in your skull And You're dizzy, dry-mouthed and dying for a drink of something. That is my knowledge xD
Aw, the whole bit where he didn't even remember that she'd gone kinda made me sorry for him :( Like, look at the state he's in, and all he cares about is that she'll be mad and that he's broken his promise to her. It's cute :3
1 to reric.
ooh, very powerful last line. I like :3
Nicely done, hubby (Tbh, I prefer calling you wifey xD Ima go back to that) So yeah, very realistic and detailed with Reric coming to turns with what happened, and you pulled it off amazingly It wasn't melodramatic, or pointlessly angsty with "omg she left me I'll never be happy again ima throw myself off a bridge and then become emo. Whilst dead. That is the extent of my grief.". It was all quite understated, which I think worked perfectly coz he could have been just any guy drowning his sorrows. No stupid circumstances to add excitement, like, I dunno, him fighting or something. Just reric, his music and his drink. But even with the simplicity of that, it was poignantly (I've never used that word before xD YAY ADVENTURE!)emotional and gloomy and the emotion was dead on and you seriously are better at this than me XD I couldn't have done that, ever xD
So yes. Amazing job, wifey! Update Soon!
| Fierce.Imagination chapter 3 . 10/5/2010
Agh, I read the entire thing with a constant frown. My eyes hurt. This is just such a helpless, hopeless, difficult situation. Very, very well described and explained. I will definitely read more, so please update soon.
The only criticism would be that the way they speak (Jenny, in particular) is a little too sophisticated and poetic and it sometimes feels unrealistic, you know, like a script. There are a lot of clever sentences in the story and it's all very beautiful while you describe everything, but in speech it feels a bit artificial.
Love the part about waves and footsteps and the entire idea.
Overall, it's an amazing story so far.
| Fierce.Imagination chapter 1 . 10/5/2010
Wow, I'm absolutely impressed. That was very… powerful, I guess. Your writing is very dramatic, which is perfect for the circumstances. A very sad situation and because it's so realistic, it's even more heartbreaking. Also I really liked the present tense you used to write this chapter, it fit perfectly. Very well done.
I'm intrigued, so I'll go and read the next chapter. :-)
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 3 . 9/25/2010
Yay FP started slightly working. This review will be both a response to your last PM and an actual review. Review first:
I seriously love the emotion and thought put into Eric's narrative. Everything about him feels genuine and his feelings for Jenny seem to radiate the same realness. The way he felt escapism through music only added a detail into the metaphorical sculpture that is Eric's character. Also, I think it's a very realistic quirk of his and weaves nicely into his drug addiction.
Also, I enjoyed the way his numbing session wasn't overdramatic or anything fake just to make some fake thrill. It was simple: he gets a drink and gets drunk. No fights, no hookups, just getting drunk. Then his hangover transitioned nicely and how he didn't remember at first felt realistic too.
Realistic; that should be my word of the review. XD
I've never had a hangover either so I can only guess you got it right!
Onto the PM response: FP is sucking for me right now. I haven't been able to see my hits in over a week! Should I report that or something cause it's getting on my nerves. :P
| Lupa Dracolis chapter 3 . 9/23/2010
Poor thing! It's like he's gone through her leaving him twice, now! I hope things (eventually) get better for our poor protagonist!
...I always use too many exclamation marks. It makes me seem all Japanese-schoolgirl-y. Not meaning any offence to Japanese school-girls, but you know what I mean, right?
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 2 . 9/20/2010
I felt bad not reviewing the second chapter when you only have two. Eric's beach metaphor was cool. It just fit well and images coming from it really help with the story. Eric and Jenny seem so complicated, it's really cool to watch.
| thenutrunningthenuthouse chapter 1 . 9/20/2010
Wow, that was an amazing first chapter. Don't worry about not doing the boy's POV right, cause Eric sounds perfectly masculine as well as an all-around interesting character. I loved that first chapter, with all the tension, and it was just written greatly. It feels totally unbiased, with both Eric and Jenny's reasoning working for them. Even after Eric knocks Jenny out, I'm still not against him. You wrote it in such a way that you know Eric has some issues, but you still feel for him.
I'd say thumbs up. :) In case you forgot, I'd love a review on my story, Narcotia's Eyes. Thanks in advance.