Reviews for Six Months Later
jake Chan chapter 2 . 9/18/2010
Okay! I made it. :D So, this is chapter two!

I love the beginning, with the metaphor(or is it a simile? Analogy? :-/ whatever it is, it’s awesome!). It just demonstrates really well the situation and I like how perfectly it leads to the background info about their childhood together. And that second paragraph is so sweet! There’s just such innocence and carefreeness in the words. And it’s also really nice how you were able to work your way from that scene to the dark reality.

So, Eric is sorry. I’m still finding it hard to sympathize with him, considering how the last chapter ended, but I feel like you did do a good job of conveying his confusion. In a way, he’s pitiful, because he’s so desperate, but he should know that he needs help and that when it comes down to it, he IS the reason she’s leaving.

It seems a little strange to me that so far, I haven’t seen Eric saying anything about changing. He talks about how he wants to go back to their childhood, and wants thing to be repaired, and he also acknowledges that he’s caused all the problems between them. But he doesn’t mention once about how he’ll try harder, how he just made a little mistake but it won’t happen again, he doesn’t flood her mind with empty promises about how things will get better, he promises.

Maybe he just doesn’t have any of that in him? I just sort of feel like hitting him over the head and trying to get him to see that he can’t keep clinging onto her and expecting things to work out without working on himself first. Arrg.

Jenny’s speech is amazing. Three cheers for Jenny! Really, she just gets to it, she basically tells him why she’s giving up and that she gave what she could. If there’s anyone I feel for and admire in this story, it’s Jenny. She seems to have a good grip on reality and on herself, even though she does break at the end. She just seems like a great character.

You’re really having fun with analogies in this chapter! :) And they’re great, believable, and they work. The idea of the ocean washing away past mistakes is perfectly believable, but the idea of the ocean being unable to wash away bruises and scars is even better. The only thing is that toward the end it starts feeling a little too narrated. It seems a little forced. Maybe try reading it out loud and seeing if you can picture Eric saying the words, because basically, this is him saying them, it’s his narration.

Otherwise, I think this is a great expansion of the story, and it’s great to see more of the character’s personalities. Please update soon!

Cheers!

jake
Mintiee chapter 2 . 9/10/2010
XDD Did you post the note about the clown to spur me into reviewing? XDD WHY A CLOWN? YOU KNOW I HATE THEM! YOU'RE TRYING TO MAKE ME PARANOID, AREN'T YOU?

But since I've left it so late, you've got every reason to sic clowns onto me XDD I'm sorry. Basically, it's school's fault XDD It made me exhausted and fed up and busy and unwilling to do anything. But I is sorry for neglecting you :3 Forgiveness? *Uber-super-extreme-intense puppy eyes*

I KNOW! XD You can have a chocolate from my treat bag.

*roots around in it*

...I feel like santa xD

...which do you want? Dairy Milk, Dairy Milk Caramel, Flake or Crunchie?

...Actually, you can't have the crunchies. Those are mine.

*moves them away from you*

...and...uh...so are the Flakes...*takes those too*

Y'know what? *gathers up all chocolate and backs away* I think these are gone-off...You can have the wrappers though! :D

Anyway, since I read this days ago...it's not all bad, right? RIGHT?

Please call the clown off? XDD

-

*goes from beginning*

-

A/N - XDD YAY, ANOTHER WARNING! XDD I expect one of these every chapter now XDD I don't care if you've got nothing to warn me about XDD write one anyway. I'm collecting them 8) Like bottle tops :3

I LOVE THE FIRST LINE! :33 It's so pretty, and metaphory, and brillianty, and it includes the ocean, and it's such a :33 image and :') ... HOW? TELL ME HOW, OR EARNEST-THE-UNDER-THE-BED-ELF DIES! HOW DID YOU DO IT? TEACH ME!

It's so true! And the tide is such a perfect image for the damage that Reric has caused because it's eternal and powerful. Just like what he's done to Jenny. Even if she does eventually forgive him, the damage will be there forever. ALSO, the idea of the tide of an entire, huge ocean emphasises how much damage he's actually caused. As well as that, there's the thing about it erasing Jenny from his future. So at every angle, it's immense :3

And :33 at the memory! OMG I LOVE :33 It's such a sweet, innocent image and it's awful to have to see what the drugs that make you die that reric got addicted to wrecked that :(

Childhood sweethearts, ftw :3

There's a couple little things about the paragraph.

making tiny footprints deep into wet sand - This sounds clunky, somehow. I think it's because you have both "tiny" and "deep", which is one descriptive word too many.

Run fast enough to keep our feet dry - If they're running on wet sand, their feet would be wet anyway, no? xD Maybe "We could never run fast enough to escape the waves" would be enough, and you could cut down on the length of that sentence :)

gleeful fun was in trying each time to beat the incredible - Don't need the words "each time". They disrupt the sentence, a little xD

And you also don't need "tiny" in front of "footprints" in the last sentence xD You already said they were tiny the first time, so to say it again is a bit pointless XDD

That over, OMFG I love the comparison between the wave leaving the shore and Jenny leaving :') Especially since they were powerless to stop the wave leaving, and Reric is just as powerless to stop Jenny leaving twenty-or-so years later :') It's amazing, really :3

TOO LATE TO BEG NOW, RERIC, YOU MADE YOUR CHOICES!

Btw, you started a new line for the second "Don't leave me" xD You don't need to, coz the same person is speaking. Unless Jenny said that, which would be a little confusing, coz it would mean she'd nicknamed Reric Jenny for some reason, although while that would be interesting topic to bring up at dinner parties, it wouldn't be entirely practical.

Also, she's leaving him. If she begged him not to leave while she was the one doing the actual leaving...it would seem that she's the one on drugs.

Oh, this bit:

the lack of emotion in her flat voice - Unnecessary word xD "Flat" isn't needed, because you already said "lack of emotion" which already tells us that it's flat

"...then." I say - Remember that punctuation rule I told you about a while back? xD Comma, not full stop ;)

Nice bit of body language there XD AND OH! I FORGOT HE LOOKS LIKE JAMES MARSDEN! *loves him again* Here, Reric. Have a Caramel.

It's short, it's strong, and it's all she has to say to make the point. - Are you actually analysing your own work as you go along? XDD You don't need that bit in. Reader figure it out by self. Also, the single, isolated word will make it sharper, because "No." Is the only word the reader sees, which is the only word Reric would hear. That way, it's as biting to the reader as it is to Reric, because it's as if she's saying it to us directly If you get what I mean XDD

I shuffle on the spot, completely lost for who to be. - :33 so simple, yet so brilliant. It sums up everything. He's not himself anymore, Jenny doesn't know him anymore, he's shocked himself with his actions and he's unsure of what he will and wont do. :33 Mega-love.

"Can I come with you?" - Get stuffed, Reric.

just this frail body - This sounds as though he;s talking about himself. It'd be better as - "her" frail body.

she has never been trained to deal with turbulence such as what I had just given her - awkward. Maybe "experience hasn't taught her how to deal with turbulence as bad as this."

weight knowing - You're missing an "of" xD

flat, once - Would make more impact as a full-stop.

I can hear the siren of the ambulance now, just outside on the road - They're so loud, Reric would've been able to hear them from miles away, even if he is a bastard.

XDD because bastards have poor hearing, apparently XD

going through your brain - this is preference, but brain is such an ugly word to use XDD Does that make me superficial? 0:)

She got his name wrong. IT'S RERIC, JENNY, /RERIC/. say it with me..."Reh...Rick." You should know this by now XDD

she lets her face, once more, become covered in salty water - XDD damn tears, they get everywhere XDD Tears covering her face is the wrong image to paint, wifey It's be kinda impossible, unless she rubs them all over her face like facewash, or if some randomer is standing out there with a bucket full of brine XD

"Reric, I have to leave you."

*she turns around*

"THINK FAST!"

She didn't think fast enough :/

welcome us play some more.- missing a word.

-

OMG I LOVE THIS CHAPTER SO MUCH :33 IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL AND HEARTBREAKING AND I FEEL SO SORRY FOR JENNY AND SHE'S STRONG FOR KEEPING HER COMPOSURE IN FRONT OF RERIC AND I LIKE HER FOR THAT. ALSO, YAY METAPHOR OF OCEAN/TIDE/FOOTPRINTS :33 Like footprints in the sand. Leona Lewis song, no? XDLove it so much :33

Anywho, wonderful chapter, wifey Honestly, everything was realistic and just :33

Update soon, mmkay?

-M.
Lupa Dracolis chapter 2 . 9/6/2010
Ooh, eternal glory! Even better than clown protection!

I love the slightly abstract feel of this chapter, referencing back to their childhood... it makes the reader (me, anyway) associate more closely with your characters, as everyone surely has done the running-away-from-the-sea thing at least once. Overall, a really good chapter.
jake Chan chapter 1 . 8/27/2010
YAY, NEW STORY! Okay, down to business. Wow, I’ve forgotten how to write reviews... but will give it a shot.

First, here are some corrections:

“Oh really?” should have a comma between the two words. Same thing with the first two in, “Well if that’s the case...”

‘"Lies." She hisses.’ should replace the period with comma and lowercase the ‘s’, like, ‘Lies,” she hisses.’

So I really like the very beginning: ‘Chapter One: The End’. What a way to start a story! :)

You love opening your stories with fights, don’t you? The beginning is great: it’s well written, flows, and I love the mix of action and his thoughts, his convincing himself that everything’s all right. It’s a little less fleshed out than A Scripted Love was, maybe a consequence of it being in first person? Congrats on venturing into this territory, by the way.

I’m not quite sure his reaction is really psychologically realistic, like if he really went back to doing drugs behind her back, would he really switch off the TV or just turn it down, leaving it on as a distraction? But I guess if she really looked mad enough, he would pay attention, even though he knows what’s coming. Maybe you could emphasize this more, that it’s what she looks like, her expression, that makes take her seriously.

Awesome description of his insides! :D

I like Jenny. She’s great, realistic, and her reactions and words are believable. One thing I might suggest is adding italic emphasizes to some words, just to show that she’s not just taking in one tone. Like in, “To make me believe I was important enough in your life to work for." maybe emphasize the ‘important’. I think it might also be nice to say how she said the word ‘cocaine’. Did she spit it, or say it in a strangled voice, or just say it without emotion? It’s such a hated word for her, and I think it’d add a bit to her character to show how she says the actual word.

‘"You are important-" I begin.’ Lying jerk. Well, actually you wrote in a way that the reader does sympathize with Eric because it’s his feelings and struggle we’re seeing, but still, his standpoint in the argument is definitely the losing side.

‘"Am I in the wrong here? Have I misjudged you, thought you were lying to me again and again and again, when you actually weren't? Well if that's the case, I guess you wouldn't mind I did this."’ I think there should be more bitterness in this speech. She’s obviously being sarcastic, but it doesn’t really bite.

‘Stride’ and ‘snatch’. I like your word selections!

But hold on, first you said he didn’t want it for the first time in a year, now he wants it again? Is this a mood swing, or is he in two minds about the drug? Maybe I’m expecting too much feeling and emotions- but that’s your specialty! :D

Wait, so his nails are long enough that they actually snag/catch her skin? If not, maybe use the word ‘scrape’ or ‘scratch’. If so, wow, nice detail of how far he’s let himself go.

I’m sort of not sure why he doesn’t just grab her, why he’s just trying to snatch the object from her hand. Is he really not a violent sort of guy?

The section after she flushes the cocaine seems a little rough. After Jenny making a statement like, "I was foolish enough to fall in love with you again,” I feel like Eric needs to go on the defensive, and say, no, she wasn’t. I’m not exactly sure what the, ‘That’s because’ relates to. What’s because? Her foolishness is a result of his stopping drugs? So he’s really agreeing that she’s foolish?

Also, is the timeline five months or six? Or is there a longer story to the vacillating times?

So what I’m getting from their argument is that the only reason he stopped doing drugs was for her. That he’d be perfectly happy to go back to ruining his life if she didn’t exist. And so he’s blaming her for the withdrawals he’s been experiencing the past 5 or 6 months.

But then he goes on this self-pity tangent, thinking about how he’s been so wrong... I just noticed he doesn’t really agree with it. He just says he doesn’t want to listen to more reason for why he’s useless. Hm... so, maybe it’s not self-pity.

‘How dare she.’ Hm, who’s the one who just hit who? :-/

So, this is your new story! You’re on an interesting subject, and you sure like putting your characters through headaches. I think you’re off on a good start. The only thing I felt nagging me that it felt slightly off, psychologically. I’m not sure that in some parts, the argument really flowed right.

But good job on a stab a writing in first person/present tense! You keep the action flowing really well, and end the chapter on a pretty intense cliffhanger. Please update soon!

(And please call off your clown. Clowns scare me to death!)

Cheers!

jake
Mintiee chapter 1 . 8/26/2010
ARGH DAMMIT I DIDN'T GET TO LEAVE THE FIRST REVIEW :(

I got called to dinner as soon as I got the update alert D:

CHILE CON CARNI (Spelling laughable) IS NOT AS GOOD AS SCRIPTED WRITING .

Oh well, I got my own warning XD I'm happy XD

Btw, "Mintiee's warning" sounds like the title of a chapter of a fantasy novel or sommet xD Like I'm gonna be some crone with one eye hanging around in a cave somewhere to warn the hero(ine) to BEWARE THE UNHOLY POWERS OF DARKNESS UNLEASHED UPON THE MASTER OF THE MIGHTY STAFF OF BALLY GOODNESS.

(Just read your profile too XD)

*gets on with review*

First word confused me XD I was like, who the hell is Eric? Then I remembered that there were name changes XDD Thought you should know :)

XDD the "shit." thing made me laugh for some reason. Sums it up in one word, really xD

I try to answer, but the strength to do so has evaporated from me in an instant. - (8) I TRY TO SPEAK BUT NOTHING'S COMING! (8)

Btw, I will repeatedly be making The Script references at every possible opportunity, because I want to and because you're the only person I get to do that with xD

and the paragraph about R-...Eric convincing himself to act as though nothing's wrong is great. how like a guy, to pretend nothing's wrong so they can't be blamed for not trying to fix it before they're made to

:O SHE FOUND THE DRUGS?...GENIUS!

Sidenote - you write really well in first person.

It's so much easier to accept when you aren't thinking about what you are doing. What you have really given your life to. - The full stop is in a bad place, so I recommend

I recommend the fudge soufflé!

I recommend you go away!

XD sorry. My sister sings that all the time, in opera style, and now I can't say/think the word 'recommend' without it playing through my mind XD

Anyway, what was I saying? *looks back*

Oh yeah. IMO, you should put "when you're not thinking about" before "What you have really given your life to." Repetition would be a nice, effective touch in that admittance about how he deals with his cocaine habit.

Also, that strikes me as brilliant. So realistic that he doesn't like to think about what he's taking really is Gives a nice insight to his character too, because it immediately shows him as being more than your average druggie who just doesn't care any more. He is at least ashamed of his actions, which gives him brownie points from me and makes him more likeable as a character

Bitch - don't need the capital letter.

But :O didn't expect that reaction from him. Since he was ashamed of himself I expected him to be too morose to put up any fight when she got rid of the drugs. But meh, cocaine will do that to you. I'm guessing XD It's understandable, anyway.

Although I would DEFINITELY not regret flushing it down the toilet. Yeah, I can see where the fear comes from coz Eric may well snap, but it strikes me that Jenny should be more hurt at what he called her than regretting what she'd done. Especially since the word "bitch" used in that sense, by someone you love and used in a genuine expression of hatred for you for what you just did, even though it was essentially for their own good...It would be like a slap across the face, but I still don't think anyone would regret doing it.

ooh, y'know something was bugging me about your dialogue and I just figured out what it is You don't shorten any words, you've put everything in full form, which strikes me as a little strange and formal for speech between two people who have been in a relationship for months. I think it would be a little more realistic if you used slang a bit more and used contractions :D

"You have felt alone? After everything I have done for you, everything I given up for you, all the support I have given you. You say you are alone. You ungrateful bastard."

Because I'm lazy and showing is easier than telling, I'll rewrite this so you can see what I mean and also to show how body language is amazing :33

"You think you're alone?" Her eyes flash as she draws herself up to full height, as if to tower over me. "After everything I've done for you, all I've given up, all of the support I've given you..." she trails off, her eyes meeting mine, her gaze sparkling with tears of fury. When she speaks again her tone is flat and cold. "You say you are alone."

There is a short, heated silence as she waits for me to correct myself. I don't.

She shakes her head, disgusted. "You ungrateful bastard."

The more feelings and emotions you use, the better show how the character's emotions change throughout to give the speech power and passion. (credit for than nugget of wisdom goes to the author who's writing course I'm subbed to )

:O How dare he call her happy? Insensitive jackass.

XDD sorry. But he is.

Hmm...maybe Jenny's answer to that is a bit too long

There is a second where fear and regret pass over her face - No time for regret, only fear. Also, maybe try replacing 'pass' with a faster, more dramatic word like "flash" or something to imply a sense of urgency and things happening quickly.

(8) It's all about emotive...lang-uage! (8)

XDD that wasn't a Script reference, I just remember rules of writing by making up jingles in my head XD

But :O HE HITS HER?

THAT IS SO...FREAKING...

*points* TRAINWRECK!

D:

I'm calling social services for your characters XDD I mean, I kill mine, but you abuse yours! XD That's horrible!

Bloody hell...that was a shock XD Really good, mind you, but I stand by what I said before. You're evil XDD

I changed my mind, I don't like him anymore. I want Owen back please. *points at AsLo* Go and fetch him XDD

...What a jerk.

Eric, not Owen XDD

OMG THIS BRINGS BACK SUCH MEMORIES OF MICHAEL! I'm going to spend plenty of time thinking of all the weird and wonderful ways Reric can be punished for this.

Plagiarism torture springs to mind.

Brilliant first chapter, wifey Room for improvement, sure, but it's still a great hook for a first scene and you got the emotions of R-.../Eric/...pinned down beautifully, as usual XD

No wonder you got a freaking A* in English Lit XDD You rock at writing it XD

UPDATE SOON! (Yay I get to say that again xD)

OR ELSE!

*points at cupboard where machine gun is kept*

-M.
Lupa Dracolis chapter 1 . 8/26/2010
Anything to protect me from the clown!

This is certainly an intriguing start to a story... throwing us into the action in the first chapter. I definitely want to hear more of this!
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