|Reviews for Black Powder|
| nangelique chapter 1 . 9/18/2010
[review for the REVIEW GAME]
Amen to this. :)
I love you poem. I agree that we shouldn't be held back by other people. I really like these lines:
"And I need to rid myself of these parasites
that insist on clinging to my
I love the imagery it gives me and the feeling it gives off. Great work!
I didn't really find anything I didn't like or anything that was wrong. :))
| Midnight In Eden chapter 1 . 9/12/2010
Initial thought before indepth review:
The language is intriguing, the flow draws you in and there is a high level of emotion (mainly anger and bitterness) that you convey very effectively. But the biggest problem I have with this poem is that I can't find a point to all the emotion and your language, while engaging, doesn't lead your reading to the answer.
1. I feel like you need to engage in some word economy. Some of the repetition feels unnecessary, particularly the second "generations" in the second line of the second stanza. You could easily get rid of that and doing so would even out the read a bit more. The "right" at the end of the third stanza feels tacked on and reads incredibly awkwardly. It doesn't feel like there's any point to it being there either. Culling down some minor words like "along" on the first line, would again help the flow of the poem.
2. Speaking of the flow, it doesn't really feel like there is any. Sure, jarring poetry can work but this just reads awkwardly. Perhaps look at more even lines (not completely deadset even but maybe less random short bits).
3. I feel like this entire poem is about you rather than the relatives it seems you want to trash. In particular, stanzas 4-6. But maybe that's the point. This poem reads as if you're trying to keep your reader at arm's length and in the process reads as if the obtuse nature is deliberate.
4. Punctuation! I have absolutely no idea why you've punctuated this entire poem with random semi colons (before an "and"? why?) and misplaced commas/hyphens. If you're wanting to break the rules of punctuation, remember that you need to know the rules first. That being said, I feel like this poem has no need to be so randomly punctuated.
5. Even though I may have come off harsh above, I'm only trying to help you out because I really love a lot of your word choices and phrasing. It's wonderful to see such a large vocabulary on this site but it's important to remember that a poem isn't just about creative wording and abstractions - you've got to give your reader something concrete to hold onto and I feel like any message has been lost in the overtly emotive and tangled wording.
I hope this has been somewhat helpful and I apologise if you find it overly critical.
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
I sense much anger in you. But at what?
Are you angry at the habits of your family, especially the ones generations above you? What they've come to believe in their lives, what they've taken to telling you about who and what you are, who and what you can be? I think so.
But you're unsure if you're willing to fight for it.
Great wordplay throughout the poem, especially: bitch of a bitch, forever unreasonable doubt, neighborfucking (wow...), ink&blood-soaked, an-ces-tors.
This is definitely a situational reaction I recognize - your frustration fades to anger then to... flippance, perhaps?
Your tone is different, though, than any other poem of yours I've read. The speaker seems, in what I affectionately refer to as a "typical-dee," to have her head pointed forward, swinging her words around like weapons and making war on the world; in this poem, she's more reserved. It's interesting to see your voice so tame - it adds to the disillusionment and to the implied psuedo-maturity within the poem.
The title is, as always, awesome. Racial pride from Dee? Or is it the opposite of pride? I can see it being a double entendre; but perhaps the speaker is merely implying the volatile nature of the obviously racial situation.
I'm impressed with your response. It's the mature one, and very atypical from any person of your age. Bravo, Dee.
| Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 8/29/2010
A strong poem; the imagery works really well, and I like the juxtaposistion between the kind of literary language and lines like "I'm a neighborfucking..." etc. It kind of jerks you as you read it. Nice work.
| Adrenalin chapter 1 . 8/27/2010
There is a strange contrast between the levels of language you employ, like between "generations of ignorance, generations of disbelief" and "I'm a neighborfucking scientist". In this precise case, for example, I liked that the two verses contrasting the most were in the same position in their stanzas. It created an interesting effect of mirroring/opposing.
I was a bit thrown of with the parenthesis, the & in "ink&blood" and the "Ka-boom, Ka-pow!" which didn't flow as well as the rest of the piece.
My favorite line:
[The ocean, the ocean. I think I need to split the seas./
Because I'm almost half sure the fields are waiting for me.]
But I'm not sure the period after 'sea' is really necessary.