|Reviews for His Eyes|
| thewhimsicalbard chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
Thanks so much for your review of "One day a gangly man told me". I appreciate your comments.
I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm not at all a fan of poems with a strict rhyme scheme (they aren't very unique, and usually don't mean anything to me unless they have a specific spot in an entire book of poems), and I'm definitely not a fan of poems with fixed meter.
That said, your poem does not have a fixed meter - it appears to, at first, but then you disregard the eight-syllable lines you had been using. That said, your poem still comes across sing-songy and whimsical, like a nursery rhyme. I'm not sure you want to portray something as serious as your love for this guy, whoever he is, at a level comparable to Mother Goose. That's just me, though.
I'm not even going to try to sugarcoat this next part: your rhymes - my own personal opinion of poems that rhyme left out of the equation - are terribly cliche.
Above and love? Seriously? Those two lines didn't make me think of the could-be-wonderful relationship between you and this boy; it made me want to throw up. You need a better ending, and preferably, one that does not involve cliche. I would give you advice, but you are the writer, so only you know how you feel.
Please don't take this as a flame. I promise that it is not. To the best of my knowledge, every time I made criticism, I both explained why I did not like it and made a suggestion for improvement. I do hope to see more writing from you in the future. Hopefully the time you spent Kerouac-ing has provided you with plenty of inspiration.
Best of luck to you!