Reviews for Lost In A Parallel Universe
thefaultinourpatronus chapter 1 . 2/24/2011
Interesting theme! Definitely reads more like a song than a poem (: The parentheses had a great effect, and I especially like the first and last paragraph. Amazing job, here!

x mandy

payback via The Mathews Scenario would be appreciated! :D
A Kiss in the Dreamhouse chapter 1 . 10/22/2010
This poem felt more like a song than a poem! I think that was something to do with the repetitions, and the rhyming words in a line (e.g. 'No paper to insulate, instigate'). I enjoyed that a lot, thanks for writing this!

The message itself has been done over many times (especially in songs lol), but I enjoyed your take on it very much. Especialliy with lines like:

I'm blindfolded by faith, yet I'm agnostic

and

I'm the sinner who's tied you down

Awesome stuff!
Dreamers-Requiem chapter 1 . 10/3/2010
I'm not the best person to comment on poetry, but for what it's worth I really liked that. The emotions were really clear throughout, and the bracketed parts really added to it. I REALLY liked [(I'm blindfolded by faith, yet I'm agnostic;

I manage to see through the seams.)] and [You're perfect(ly bruised) by my standards], they were amazing, great lines and overall I really enjoyed reading the poem.
PencilSketchS chapter 1 . 9/21/2010
I don't have a poetic bone in my body, but for what it's worth, that captured my imagination. I like how you break up the sentences at the end, how the speaker struggles to make himself let go. It's got a sinister- obsessive undertone to it. I like the phrases in brackets the most.
ranDUMM chapter 1 . 9/18/2010
Hey,

This was a good poem! I really thought that the bits in brackets added a little something to it, and made it all that much better, so great work :)

I really liked the repetition of 'I can't'; it was really cool :D It drove the message right home, and I think that it helped the reader understand the meaning of it a lot better, which is harder in this type of poem. But you managed it fine, so awesome!

I thought that some bits were a bit repetitive; you seemed to say the same thing a few too many times at one point; maybe condense it a little? I dunno, that was just me.

Other than that, I thought it was awesome! Good luck in the WCC :)

ranDUMM
WriterOnTheMove chapter 1 . 9/13/2010
this poem was interesting...i found it a little bit difficult to read. Your writing style is interesting and new (sorry for using the same word twice, but i can't think of an alternate) the theme is quite unique, its not something you see often, but i guess that's what makes it seem so popular. I hope you win the (contest)? you have a good chance.

good job, keep writing.

WriterOnTheMove
sophiesix chapter 1 . 9/12/2010
Wow, this had this kinda relentless rythm and flow to it, I could totaly see it as a song.

"..., even/When I'm talking so much that/Those special words can't reach my mouth." love the picture that painted for me, teh nervous chatter with teh words trying to surface beneath

"I manage to see through the seams" my favourite line! teh aliteration together with teh imagery: just so poetic and teh second last stanza was just awesome too: I could hear teh voices intermingling in my head. great stuff!
Nesasio chapter 1 . 9/11/2010
I really like the stanza "Yeah, I'm held back by/Myself, but I'm only myself, mostly/Myself, when I'm with you". The 'mostly' is what gets me. I like how apologetic the whole thing is but that mostly in particular is great voice because I could picture the voice correcting himself as he said it. That was a nice little nuance.

I could definitely tell that this was based on a personal experience. The emotion throughout is great. It felt so genuine and made this an easy read.

I'm afraid I'm not great at analyzing poetry so that's about all I have to say. Seriously, though, I enjoyed it. :) Good luck on WCC!
Miz-KTakase chapter 1 . 9/10/2010
Stunnint, yet subtle. Wonderful poem.
C. Tattiana H-H chapter 1 . 9/9/2010
For the most part, this piece didn’t hit me like I wanted it to. I think your strongest stanzas were the first and last. The middle ones mostly flopped for me, unfortunately, because I found them to be somewhat simple, really. The parentheses did add a splash of creativity that created an interesting effect throughout my reading, but taken as a whole, I don’t think this is your best work. A couple lines that I really enjoyed, though, were, “'Cause I've got you wrapped around my fingers./(Oh, you're around my fingers, baby...)”. There was just something about those lines that jumped out. Best of luck in this month’s WCC.
Sercus Kaynine chapter 1 . 9/8/2010
"I'm a paradox in a box,"

Indeed! Haha.

I thought the tone here was very relatable and catchy. Something a lot of people could relate to, but with a personal touch thrown in. Good use of parenthesis. It really brought a quirk to the piece.

Good job and good luck in WCC!
Kobra Kid chapter 1 . 9/7/2010
I didn't hate any part of it! I loved all of it in fact! The metaphors and narration was powerful and direct, and and you're poetry has seemed to improve! Yay! -cheers- Ha, anyways, this was a lovely piece! Keep on writing! :D

B. Cross

-Payback via Ace Of Spades? Thanks!

P.S. It's AWESOME to have you back! :D
Vroooommmmmm chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
wow...very sweet poem that...full of meaning...an example poem of this genre...you have tried to express emotions clearly...u r on the way to becoming a poet...it exactly displays hurt and comfort...seriously this is much better than ur previous pieces...keep writing...

P.S : hey hows u...long tym...can pls repay me back via true love true sacrifice and/or midwich messiah...reviews will be appreciated..thnx in adv...n i most probably think you owe me 3 reviews still...sorry for being selfish but i think you it in ur own time...at ur upto u...anyways dis was a gr8 poem...congo
DarkHawk14 chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
Wow. There wasn't a single part of this I didn't love. It was something almost everyone can relate to, and was executed beautifully. I can't describe how amazing this is. I'll be sure to vote for it.

DarkHawk from the Roadhouse. :) Payback via Atrocity would be appreciated.
lookingwest chapter 1 . 9/6/2010
I think the favorite part of this poem to me was how you played with the parentheses in a very e.e. cummings sort of way-I never really see that done in poetry these days, and I think the best place you used it at was the (ly bruised), that worked really well and it made me stop for a moment to appreciate the line. I like the pacing in the last two stanzas too, I feel like if it was read aloud it would have a really cool beat thing going with it, because you kind of have to look twice before the words sort of blend together due to the pacing-that's a good thing for me, at least. The whole working of the prompt wasn't *too* creative, but I think the way you played with the poem to at least make it appear like it was a lot of fun was great. All in all I think the poem had a great flow, and though a basic subject matter of two loves parting or quarreling, you managed to keep the speaker's language (like using "'cause") consistent, and also the experimentation with the parentheses too. Best of luck in the WCC!
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